Humor & Laughs

Jul 2021 - Sep 2021

a time to weep and a time to laugh  Ecclesiastes 3:4a (NIV)

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07/09/2021 (click to enlarge)

(09/29/2021)

Mrs. Smart was fumbling in her purse for her offering when a large television remote fell out and clattered into the aisle.

 

The curious usher bent over to retrieve it for her and whispered, “Do you always carry your TV remote to church?”

 

“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come with me this morning, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”

(09/28/2021)

Timmy didn’t want to put his money in the offering plate Sunday morning, so his mother decided to use some hurried creative reasoning with him.

 

“You don’t want that money, honey,” she whispered in his ear. “Quick! Drop it in the plate. It’s tainted!” Horrified, the little boy obeyed.

 

After a few seconds he whispered, “But, mommy, why was the money tainted? Was it dirty?

 

“Oh, no dear,” she replied. “It’s not really dirty. It just ‘taint yours, and it ‘taint mine,” she replied. “It’s God’s.”

(09/27/2021)

A much loved-minister of God once carried a secret burden of long- past sin deep in his heart. He had committed the sin many years before, during his Bible school training. No one knew what he had done, but they did know he had repented. Even so, he had suffered years of remorse over the incident without any sense of God's forgiveness.

A woman in his church deeply loved God and claimed to have visions in which Jesus Christ spoke to her. The minister, skeptical of her claims, asked her, "The next time you speak to the Lord, would you please ask Him what sin your minister committed while he was in Bible school." The woman kindly agreed.

When she came to the church a few days later the minister asked, "Did He visit you?"

 

She said, "Yes."

"And did you ask Him what sin I committed?"

"Yes, I asked Him," she replied

"Well, what did He say?"

"He said, 'I don't remember.'"

(09/25/2021)

If students wrote the Bible:

 

Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold.

The Ten Commandments would actually be only five - double-spaced and written in a large font.

A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.

Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.

Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov.

The reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates.

The reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

(09/24/2021)

There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said, "Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door."

Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said, "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him. So give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen."

Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying "Good morning sir. I have a question for you... Are you ready to die?"

(09/23/2021)

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

(09/22/2021)

At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshipers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister. As one of them left, he shook the minister's hand, thanked him for the sermon and said, "Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, you must be smarter than Einstein." Beaming with pride, the minister said, "Why, thank you, brother!"

As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man's compliment. The more he thought, the more he became baffled as to why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So he decided to ask the man the following Sunday.

The next Sunday he asked the parishioner if he remembered the previous Sunday's comment about the sermon. The parishioner replied that he did. The minister asked: "Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?"

The man replied, "Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Reverend, no one can understand you."

(09/21/2021)

One afternoon in the arctic, a father polar bear and his polar bear son were sitting in the snow. The cub turned to his father again and said: "Dad, am I 100 per cent polar bear?"
     
The father replied: "Of course, son, you're 100 per cent polar bear."
     
A few minutes later, the cub turned to his father again and said: "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100 per cent polar bear? No brown bear or black bear or grizzly bear?"
     
The father answered: "Son, I'm 100 per cent polar bear, your mother is 100 per cent polar bear, so you are definitely 100 per cent polar bear."
     
The cub seemed satisfied, but a few minutes later he turned to his father once more and said: "Dad, don't think you're sparing my feelings. I've got to know. Am I 100 per cent polar bear?"
     
The father was becoming distressed by the continual questioning and said: "Why do you keep asking if you're 100 per cent polar bear?"
     
The cub said: "Because I'm freezing!"

(09/20/2021)

On the day of the nuptials, everything went well. Nevertheless, Luke, the groom, thought that everyone must have noticed his toupee. 

 

Next day, his youngest daughter sees his worried look and says, "What's the matter, daddy? Why are you looking so down about?"

 

"I'm not really sad, darling,' Luke replies, "it's just that I'm sure everyone yesterday saw that I was wearing a wig."

 

"No they didn't, daddy,' she answers, "Everyone I told didn't know it."

(09/17/2021)

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating fifty wonderful years together.

 

He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before our nuptials. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for fifty years if I didn't marry you.  Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"

(09/15/2021)

The two thousand member Catholic church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The priest was ready to start the Mass when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church. One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church.

 

They both reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons. The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"

 

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The elders ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the alter boy. After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The priest was holding steady in the pulpit.

 

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, "All right, Father, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the Mass."

(09/13/2021)

Church Bulletin Bloopers

 

“For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.”

 “The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.”

“The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.”

“Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.”

 “Anointing of the sick … If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the pastor. Special prayer also for those who are seriously sick by request.”

 “The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.”

 The sermon title this morning: WOMEN IN THE CHURCH - The closing song: RISE UP, O MEN OF GOD

 The sermon this morning: GOSSIP … THE SPEAKING OF EVIL - The closing song: I LOVE TO TELL THE STORY

 The sermon this morning: CONTEMPORARY ISSUES # 3 … EUTHANASIA - The closing song: TAKE MY LIFE

(09/12/2021)

A Baker was asked to print 1 John 4:18 on a wedding cake. He forgot, and instead printed John 4:18.


1st John 4:18 (ESV) reads “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.”


John 4:18 (ESV) on the other hand reads “For you have had five husbands, and the one you now have is not your husband.”

(09/11/2021)

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant (this was back in the day's when they had them) worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.


“Reverend,” said the young man, “I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”


The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”

(09/10/2021)

Funny Statements From Insurance Claims (part 2):

I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

 

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

 

I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

 

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

 

I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

 

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

 

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

 

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

 

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

 

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.

 

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

(09/09/2021)

The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetency can be highly entertaining.

 

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

 

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.

 

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

 

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

 

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

 

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

 

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

 

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

 

As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.

 

I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.

 

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

(09/08/2021)

A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.

 

“Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?” yelled an irate man.

 

She rolled down her window and said, “What makes you think these are all mine?”

(09/07/2021)

Odd Newspaper Headlines From Around the World:

 

Include your children when baking cookies

Something went wrong in jet crash

Expert says police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

Safety experts say that school bus passengers should be belted

Drunk gets nine months in violin case

Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents

Miners refuse to work after death

Juvenile Court to try shooting defendant

Two Soviet ships collide, one dies

Red tape holds up new bridge

Astronaut takes blame for gas in spacecraft

Kids make nutritious snacks

Man minus ear waives hearing

(09/06/2021)

A criminal with a long record of transgressions was on trial for his latest crime. The jury found him guilty on 33 counts and the judge sentenced him to 189 years. Realizing that even with time off for good behavior he would be over one hundred years old when he was released, the prisoner burst into tears.

 

Noting this display of remorse, the judge reconsidered. He said, “I didn’t mean to be so severe. Thinking it over, I can see that I’ve imposed an extremely harsh sentence. So you don’t have to serve the whole time.”

 

The prisoner beamed with new found hope until the judge leaned toward him and said, “Just do a much as you can.”

(09/04/2021)

There was once a Canadian bird who decided he didn’t want to fly south for the winter. He decided it was nonsense to go all the way down south when he could just stay right where he was. So he stayed behind.

 

Well after awhile, it got kind of cold and finally, he could take it no more and decided to fly south after all. As he was flying through the air, ice began to form on his wings to the point where he could no longer fly so he glided down and landed in a barnyard.

 

So here is the bird, he’s half frozen in a barnyard and at the point of death. About that time along comes a cow who walks right over the bird and drops a “plop” on him. Now the bird is really disgusted. He’s half frozen, dying, and now he has this “plop” on him.

 

After a short time though, the ice begins to melt off of the bird and he starts to get warm under that “plop.” He begins to think to himself, “It’s getting warm. I’m going to live! I’m going to live!” Then right there underneath that “plop” he starts to sing little bird songs> He’s now happy once again.

 

About that time a cat comes along and hears this noise coming from underneath this “plop.” He moves the stuff off the bird and eats the bird.

 

There are three morals to the story:

 

  1. Not everyone who drops a “plop” on you is necessarily your enemy

  2. Not everyone who moves it off of you is necessarily your friend

  3. And if someone does drop a “plop” on you, keep your mouth shut.

(09/02/2021)

A man was beaten up by robbers on the road. He lay on the side of the road, half dead.

 

A humanist came along, saw him and passed by on the other side.

 

A Marxist came by and also crossed to the other side.

 

Finally, a liberal came along, looked at the man and said: "Whoever did this to you needs help."

(08/31/2021)

When Queen Victoria reigned in England, she occasionally would visit some of the humble cottages of her subjects. One time she entered the home of a widow and stayed to enjoy a brief period of Christian fellowship.
     
Later on, the poor woman was taunted by her worldly neighbors. "Granny," they said, "who's the most honored guest you've ever entertained in your home?" They expected her to say it was Jesus, for despite their constant ridicule of her Christian witness, they recognized her deep spirituality.
     
But to their surprise she answered, "The most honored guest I've entertained is Her Majesty the Queen."
     
"Did you say the Queen? Ah, we caught you this time! How about this Jesus you're always talking about? Isn't He your most honored guest?"
     
Her answer was definite and scriptural, "No, indeed! He's not a guest. He lives here!"
     
Her hecklers were put to silence!

(08/30/2021)

A pastor decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said, "Today, in church, I'm going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."
     
The pastor shouted out "Cross." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison The Old Rugged Cross.
     
The pastor hollered out "Grace." The congregation began to sing Amazing Grace.
     
The pastor said "Power." The congregation sang There Is Power in the Blood.
     
The pastor said 'Sex.' The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way in the back of the church, a little 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing Precious Memories.

(08/28/2021)

Relationships can be very puzzling as we all know. Take celibacy, for example; this can be a choice, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

 

While attending a special Marriage Awareness Weekend in Doncaster, Yorkshire, England, Nicky and Victoria listened to the facilitator say, "It is so very important that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.

 

"He turned to the men and asked, "Can you each name your wife's favorite flower?"

 

Nicky leaned over, touched Victoria's arm gently and whispered, "Self raising, isn't it?"

 

Thus began Nicky's life of celibacy.

(08/25/2021)

John wants to get his beautiful wife, Emma, something nice for their first wedding anniversary.  So he decides to buy her a mobile telephone.  Emma is excited, she loves her phone.  John shows her and explains to her all the different and varied features on the phone.

 

On Monday Emma goes shopping in the local supermarket. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi ya, Emma," he says, "how do you like your new phone?"

 

Emma replies, "I just love it, it's so small and light and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one feature that I really don't understand though."

 

"What's that, Emma?" asks the husband.

 

"How did you know that I was at Wal-Mart?"

(08/21/2021)

The neighbor of a four-year-old child was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

 

When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

(08/20/2021)

Married for many years, Paul had been ignored by his wife, Liz, for some days, so eventually he confronted her with what he perceived as the problem.

 

"Come on Liz, admit it," he ranted, "You only married me because my granddad left me $6 million, didn't you?"

 

"You really are silly, Paul," retorted Liz, "I couldn't care less who left it to you."

(08/19/2021)

Father Henry was planning a wedding at the close of the morning service. After the benediction Father Henry had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.

 

"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front? Father Henry requested.

 

Immediately nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

(08/18/2021)

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."

 

His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

(08/17/2021)

A guy recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" he asked.


She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?"


"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" the guy asked.

 

"No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to him and he took the key and manually unlocked the door.

(08/15/2021)

A woman went to her mail box several times a day before it was even time for the mailman to make his rounds. A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was waiting for a special delivery.

The woman looked at the neighbor and said: "No, My computer keeps telling me I have mail"

(08/03/20210)

One summer, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, could you sleep with me tonight?"

 

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring kiss. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."


Finally, he said, in his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

(07/27/2021)

The reverend's sermon was based on forgiveness. He urged the congregation not to harbor grudges against those who have offended them. He asked everyone to stand.

 

He then said "those of you who forgive and forget past grievances please be seated". About half of those in the church sat.

 

He then quoted Biblical verses and repeated his question to those still standing. At this point most sat down.

 

He pleaded further for them to follow the Christian way and one by one they sat down. Just one old lady remained standing. "Madam" the reverend asked, "why can't you forgive your enemies?"

"Because I have none" she replied.

 

"That is remarkable; at your age to have no enemies is wonderful. To what do you attribute this achievement?"

 

 She gave him her best smile and replied, "they've all died!"

(07/23/2021)

Some Clever and Amusing Thoughts on Being a Christian:

 

  • Under same management for over 2,000 years.

  • Soul food served here.

  • Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk.

  • You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.

  • Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!

  • Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church.

  • We should be more concerned with the Rock Of Ages, instead of the age of rock.

  • Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!

  • Come early for a good seat in the back.

  • Life has many choices, Eternity has two. What's yours?

  • The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.

  • Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.

  • A man's character is like a fence.  It cannot be strengthened by whitewash.

(07/22/2021)

A Sunday School teacher had just concluded her lesson and wanted to make sure she had made her point. She said, “Can anyone tell me what you must do before you can obtain forgiveness of sin?”

 

There was a short pause and then, from the back of the room, a small boy spoke up. "Sin," he said.

(07/21/2021)

The Sunday School Teacher asked, “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?”

 

“No Ma'am,” little Johnny replies, “I don’t have to – my Mom is a good cook!”

(07/20/2021)

The Sunday School teacher asked her class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane. So, she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

 

“The flight to Egypt,” said Kyle.

 

“I see… And that must be Mary, Joseph, and the Baby Jesus,” the teacher said. “But who’s the fourth person?”

 

Kyle explained, “Oh, that’s Pontius the Pilot!”

(07/19/2021)

A man in a hurry taking his eight-year-old son to school made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.

 

"Uh-oh, I think I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.

 

"It's okay, Dad," the boy said, "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

(07/18/2021)

A mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy finally got her son to sit still and be quiet during the service at the First Baptist Church.

About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, "If you don’t be quiet, the Pastor is going to lose his place and he will have to start his sermon all over again!"

 

It worked.

(07/17/2021)

A cheating painting contractor had been skimping by excessively thinning his paint. Nevertheless, he landed a big job painting a church. He was almost done when a major storm blew up. It washed all the paint off.

 

Amid the thunder and lightening, there came a loud voice…
“REPAINT,” it boomed. “REPAINT, AND THIN NO MORE!”

(07/16/2021)

It was the day after Christmas and he pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside to look and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus. He walked up to the boy and said, “Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?”

 

The little boy replied, “I got him from the church.”

 

“And why did you take him?”

 

The boy said, “Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it."

(07/15/2021)

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation.  After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

 

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The Deacons met and decided to put a water-slide in the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

 

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

 

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

 

But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

 

And not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him.

(07/14/2021)

A Sunday School teacher asked her group of children if anyone could quote the entire 23rd Psalm. A golden-haired, four-and-a-half-year-old girl was among those who raised their hands. A bit skeptical, the teacher asked if she could really quote the entire Psalm.

 

The little girl came to the front of the room, faced the class, bowed, and said, “The Lord is my shepherd, that’s all I want.” She bowed again and went and sat down.

 

That may well be the greatest interpretation of the 23rd Psalm ever heard.

 

(07/13/2021)

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

 

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

 

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

 

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

(07/12/2021)

Curt and Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News in Starkeville, Mississippi, and decided to buy a mule for $100. The farmer who owned the mule agreed to deliver it the following day.

 

The next morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows - I have some bad news. The mule died last night."

 

"Well, then - just give us our money back," Leroy said.

 

The farmer replied, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

 

"Ok then, the men replied. Just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer replied, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

 

Curt replied, "We gonna raffle him off."

 

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

 

Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

 

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Leroy and Curt at the grocery store and asked, "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

 

They replied, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do." Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."

 

The farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain?"

 

Curtis replied, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

 

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They're overseeing the Government Bailout Program.

(07/11/2021)

In a third-world country, an incensed man was on a soapbox in the middle of the city yelling in a loud voice - "THE GOVERNMENT IS CORRUPT! I TELL YOU, THE GOVERNMENT IS CORRUPT!!"

Suddenly the storm troopers came and began to drag the man away (I'm certain either to prison or to hang in the gallows).

 

"WAIT, WAIT!" the man shouted. "I DIDN'T SAY WHICH GOVERNMENT WAS CORRUPT!"

One of the storm troopers replied, as they continued to drag him away, "YOU KNOW THERE'S ONLY ONE CORRUPT GOVERNMENT HERE!"

(07/10/2021)

Two men, Shot and Not got into a duel.

Now the shot that Shot shot, shot not Not, but shot not at all.

But the shot that Not shot, shot Shot.

Now Shot being shot, and Not not, Not won, Not withstanding.

(07/09/2021)

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought that the competition was unfair.

 

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close their doors, but they ignored him.

 

So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close up shop. Hugh beat up the friars mercilessly and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close down immediately.

 

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

(07/08/2021)

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.

 

A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful.

 

"Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"


"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"


"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"


"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.


"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."


"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in just one session?"


"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."

(07/04/2021)

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.

 

"How do you know what to say?" the son asked.

 

"Why, God tells me."

 

"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

(07/03/2021)

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

 

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

(07/02/2021)

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

 

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

 

The little girl replied, "My homework."

(07/01/2021)

A little boy was given a five dollar bill to put in the collection plate. When the offering came around, he wouldn't put it in. But after the end of the service, when he went to shake the pastor's hand, he pulled out the five dollar bill and gave it to the pastor.

 

The pastor asked him, "Why are you giving me this money? Why didn't you put it in the offering plate?"

 

The boy answered, "Because my mommy told me you're the poorest pastor we've ever had!"