Humor & Laughs
Mar 2021 - Jun 2021
a time to weep and a time to laugh Ecclesiastes 3:4a (NIV)
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man replied, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked a second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
A man, down on his luck, went into a church which catered to the "uppity". Spotting the man's dirty clothes a deacon, worried about the churches image, went to the man and asked him if he needed help. The man said, "I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church."
The deacon suggested that the man go pray some more and possibly he might get a different answer. The next Sunday the man returned. The deacon asked, "Did you get a different answer?"
The man replied, "Yes I did. I told the Lord that they don't want me in that church and the Lord said, 'Don't worry about it son; I've been trying to get into that church for years and haven't made it yet."
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
A Sunday School teacher, said to her children, "We have been learning about how powerful the kings and queens were in Biblical times. But there is a higher power. Who can tell me what it is?"
George blurted out, "I know, Aces."
The Reverend Douglas Johnston was not the best of drivers. One Sunday he was driving home from church when unfortunately, he had a minor bump with cyclist. The poor man was knocked off his bike into the ditch.
The Vicar naturally stopped his car, got out and profusely apologized and gave the cyclist his calling card saying that if he could ever be of help, then the man should not hesitate to ask. As the man rode home he looked at the card which said, 'The Reverend Douglas Johnston is sorry he missed you today.'
A Sunday School teacher was describing that when Lot's wife looked back at Sodom she turned into a pillar of salt.
One of her students interrupted. "My Mom looked back once while she was driving," he announced, "and she turned into a telephone pole."
Father Brian, an elderly Catholic priest, was speaking to Father Karl, a younger priest, saying, "You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."
Father Karl nods, and the old priest continues, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n' roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the rafters."
"Thank you, Father Brian," answers the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."
"All of these ideas have been well and good," comments Father Brian wisely. "But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."
"But, Father Brian," protests the young Father Karl, "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"Indeed,' replies the elderly priest, " and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof."
Henry Marks, a collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance, Arnold, who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" gasped Henry.
"Yes, that was it," remembered Arnold.
"You idiot" Henry exploded, "you've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars."
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied Arnold. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."
MOTHER'S OF THE FAMOUS:
Columbus' Mother: "I don't care what you've discovered, Chris. You still could have written."
Michelangelo's Mother: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
Mary's Mother: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
Batman's Mother: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"
Goldilocks Mother: "I've got a bill here for a broken chair from the Bear family. Do you know anything about this, Goldie?"
Albert Einstein's Mother: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
George Washington's Mother: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
Superman's Mother: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"
Thomas Edison's Mother: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed."
When a woman discovered that she was pregnant, her four-year-old son overheard his parents' conversation. He didn't say anything until a week later when a family friend asked him if he was excited about the prospect of a new brother or sister.
"Yes," said the boy, "and I know what we're going to name it. If it's a girl, we're going to call her Emily, and if it's another boy we're going to call it Quits."
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
The Style: Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she doesn't want.
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Marriage: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
Men marry because they are tired. Women marry because they are curious. Both are disappointed.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her, a man, of the woman who didn't.
There are two times a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
Husbands: Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her way, and the other is to let her have it.
Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use in two people remembering the same thing.
The Battle: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A few hymns for those who are on the highway:
45mph – God Will Take Care of You
65mph – Nearer My God To Thee
85mph – This World Is Not My Home
95mph – Lord, I’m Coming Home
100mph – Precious Memories
They have Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now.
You call up and it rings and rings but nobody answers.
Johnny, a very bright 5 year old, told his daddy he'd like to have a baby brother and, along with his request, offered to do whatever he could to help. His dad, a very bright 35 year old, paused for a moment and then replied, " I'll tell you what, Johnny, if you pray every day for two months for a baby brother, I guarantee that God will give you one!"
Johnny responded eagerly to his dad's challenge and went to his bedroom early that night to start praying for a baby brother.
He prayed every night for a whole month, but after that time, he began to get skeptical. He checked around the neighborhood and found out that what he thought was going to happen, had never occurred in the history of the neighborhood. You just don't pray for two months and then, whammo- a new baby brother. So, Johnny quit praying.
After another month, Johnny's mother went to the hospital. When she came back home, Johnny's parents called him into the bedroom. He cautiously walked into the room, not expecting to find anything, and there was a little bundle lying right next to his mother. His dad pulled back the blanket and there was -- not one baby brother, but two!! His mother had twins!
Johnny's dad looked down at him and said, "Now aren't you glad you prayed?"
Johnny hesitated a little and then looked up at his dad and said, "Yes, but aren't you glad I quit when I did?"
Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other?
Dill with it.
The Sunday School teacher gathered her class around her and exclaimed, "Well, class, all those who want to go to heaven, raise your hands." Everyone around her raised their hands, except one boy.
"Don't you want to go to heaven, Billy?" asked the teacher.
"I can't ma'am," Billy replied. "My Mom wants me to come straight home.
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia.
She whispers, "They're right behind you!"
A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.
"What did you take?" his priest asked.
"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."
"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"
"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."
A wealthy man named Richard Ellis had been counting his money. When he finished, he accidentally left a $100.00 bill on his desk. But when he returned for it a short while later, it was gone. Only two other persons could have seen the bill. One was the maid; the other was the butler.
The maid told him that she had hidden it for safekeeping under a green book that was on the desk. But when they looked the bill was not there.
The butler said he had found the bill where the maid had left it. He had placed it inside the book, where he thought there was less chance that somebody would find it. He had written down the page numbers so that he would not forget them. The bill was between pages 35 and 36, he said. But when they looked, there was no money in the book.
After Mr. Ellis had talked to the maid and the butler, he called the police. He was sure he knew who had taken the money. Who was it, and how did he know?
The butler did it. Mr. Ellis knew the butler was lying because pages 35 and 36 in a book are always printed on opposite sides of the same piece of paper
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied: “They couldn’t get a baby sitter.”
Do you know your hymns?
Dentist’s Hymn – Crown Him with Many Crowns
Weatherman’s Hymn – There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
Contractor’s Hymn – The Church’s One Foundation
The Tailor’s Hymn – Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer’s Hymn – There’s a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician’s Hymn – Standing on the Promises
Optometrist’s Hymn – Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent’s Hymn – I Surrender All
The Gossip’s Hymn – Pass It On
The Electrician’s Hymn – Send The Light
The Shopper’s Hymn – Sweet Bye and Bye
The Realtor’s Hymn – I’ve Got a Mansion Just over the Hilltop
The Massage Therapists Hymn – He Touched Me
The Doctor’s Hymn – The Great Physician
Little Johnnie desperately wanted a bright red wagon for Christmas. His friends were writing letters to Santa Claus, but Johnnie decided to go one better.
“Dear Jesus,” he wrote. “If I get a red wagon for Christmas, I won’t fight with my brother Hank for a year.” Then Johnnie thought, Oh, no, Hank is such a brat, I could never, ever keep that promise. So Johnnie threw away the letter and started again.
“Dear Jesus, if I get a red wagon for Christmas, I will eat all my vegetables for a year.” Then Johnnie thought, Oh, no, that means spinach, broccoli and asparagus. Yuck! I could never ever keep that promise.
Suddenly Johnnie had an idea. He went downstairs to the living room. From the mantel above the fireplace, he grabbed the family’s statue of the Virgin Mary. Taking the statue to the kitchen he wrapped it in newspapers and stuffed it into a grocery bag. He took the bag upstairs to his room, opened the closet and placed the package in the farthest, darkest corner. He then closed the closet door, took a new sheet of paper and wrote, “Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again…”
A father was at the beach with his children when the 4 year son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
“Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked.
“He died and went to Heaven,” the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, “Did God throw him back down?”
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, “Boys and girls, what do we know about God?”
A hand shot up in the air. “He is an artist!” said the kindergarten boy.
“Really? How do you know?” the teacher asked.
“You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven… ”
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.”
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about.
He said “Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.”
Confessor: I have stolen a fat goose from a poultry yard!
Priest: That is very wrong.
Confessor: Would you like to accept it, Father?
Priest: Certainly not- return it to the man whom you stole it from.
Confessor: But I have offered it to him and he won’t have it.
Priest: In that case you may keep it yourself.
Confessor: Thank you, Father.
The Priest arrived home to find one of his geese had been stolen…
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.”
There was a guy who owned his own business. He sold plastics to many different companies. One day one of his warehouses burned to the ground. This led to many orders being cancelled and a loss of customers. The insurance company was not going to cover the damage. The guy was in real trouble and he could lose everything.
So the guy decided to see his minister. He said to the minister, “I need help! My warehouse burned to the ground, my product is all gone, my customers are leaving, and I am losing everything!”
The minister told him, “You can find all the answers to your problems in the Bible.”
The guy asked, “Where should I start?”
The minister answered, “If you do not know where to look, just open the book and place your finger on the page, and start right there. Sooner or later you will find your answers.”
A few months later the minister ran into the individual. It was obvious the individual had become very successful. He had a new car, new clothes, and several expensive rings.
The guy walks over to the minister and says, “Thank you. The answers I found turned my life around!”
The minister was curious and said, “In what passage did you find your answers?”
The man says, “I did just what you said. I opened the Bible to a spot, looked down, and found my answer staring me right in the face - “Chapter 11.”
The female always makes The Rules.
The Rules are subject to change without prior notification.
No male can possibly know all The Rules.
If the female suspects the male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
The female is never wrong.
If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
If the above rule applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
The female may change her mind at any time.
The male must never change his mind without the expressed written consent of the female.
The female has every right to be angry and upset at any time.
The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
The male is expected to mind read at all times.
The male who does not abide by The Rules cannot take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
If the female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void.
One day, a man was walking along the beach and came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared.
“For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes,” said the Genie. The man was ecstatic. “But there’s a catch,” the Genie continued.
“What catch?” asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously.
The Genie replied, “For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for.”
“Hey, I can live with that! No problem!” replied the elated man.
“What is your first wish?” asked the Genie.
“Well, I’ve always wanted a Ferrari!” POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.
“Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris,” said the Genie. “What is your next wish?”
“I could really use a million dollars…” replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. “Now, every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer,” the Genie reminded the man.
“Well, that’s okay, as long as I’ve got MY million,” replied the man.
“And what is your final wish?” asked the Genie.
The man thought long and hard, and finally said, “Well, you know, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney….”
There was a nice lady, a minister’s widow, who was a little old fashioned. She was planning a week’s vacation in California at Skylake Yosemite campground (Bass Lake, to the uninitiated), but she wanted to make sure of the accommodations first. Uppermost in her mind were bathroom facilities, but she couldn’t bring herself to write “toilet” in a letter. After considerable deliberation, she settled on “bathroom commode,” but when she wrote that down, it still sounded too forward, so, after the first page of her letter, she referred to the bathroom commode as “BC.”
“Does the cabin where I will be staying have its own ‘BC’? If not, where is the ‘BC’ located?” is what she actually wrote.
The campground owner took the first page of the letter and the lady’s check and gave it to his secretary. He put the remainder of the letter on the desk of the senior member of his staff without noticing that the staffer would have no way of knowing what “BC” meant. Then the owner went off to town to run some errands.
The staff member came in after lunch, found the letter, and was baffled by the euphemism, so he showed the letter around to several counselors, but they couldn’t decipher it either. The staff member’s wife, who knew that the lady was the widow of a famous Baptist preacher, was sure that it must be a question about the local Baptist Church. “Of course,” the first staffer exclaimed, “‘BC’ stands for ‘Baptist Church.’ ”
And he sat down and wrote:
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure in informing you that the BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the ‘BC.’
I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.
If you decide to come to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks. Remember, this is a friendly community.”
Three people were visiting and viewing the Grand Canyon — an artist, a pastor and a cowboy. As they stood on the edge of that massive abyss, each one responded with a cry of exclamation.
The artist said, “Ah, what a beautiful scene to paint!”
The minister cried, “What a wonderful example of the handiwork of God!”
The cowboy mused, “What a terrible place to lose a cow!”
In the days when the sun never set on the British empire, the Foreign Office posted Miles Cavendish in Khartoum, Libya. The colonial government had decorated the central square of the city with a dramatic equestrian statue of General Charles George Gordon. Gordon had died heroically in 1885 when Khartoum fell to the troops of the Mahdi after a ten-month siege. Converted into stone, Gordon now forever would survey the city from the back of his spirited horse.
Cavendish had one son. The boy was named Charles - after General Gordon, of course. Cavendish was a dedicated British civil servant. His heart swelled with the spirit of imperial obligation and pride. He made it his business to impress his son with the importance of the statue. “That is Gordon,” he said to his son, and bowed his own head in a moment of reverent silence. The boy loved the statue and virtually every day he would run to the square to take a look at Gordon.
When the Foreign Office informed the elder Cavendish that he was being transferred from Khartoum to Lahore, the boy’s last deed before leaving was to proceed to the square to say a solemn farewell to Gordon. As Miles watched, his eyes welled up with tears. He said to himself, “Indeed, here beats the heart of a true Englishman. The lad is well named indeed!”
On board the steamer to Lahore, the boy turned to his father thoughtfully and said, “Father, I have a question I have always wanted to ask.”
“Yes, my son?”
“It concerns Gordon. There’s one thing I don’t understand.”
“What is that, my son?”
“Tell me. Who is that silly looking man who sits on Gordon?
At church one day, the Sunday School teacher, was telling his class the story of the Prodigal Son. Wishing to emphasize the resentful attitude of the elder brother, he laid stress on this part of the parable.
After describing the rejoicing of the household over the return of the wayward son, the teacher spoke of one who, in the midst of the festivities, failed to share in the jubilant spirit of the occasion. “Can anybody in the class,” he asked, “tell me who this was?”
Nine year old Olivia had been listening sympathetically to the story. She waved her hand in the air. “I know!” she said beamingly. “It was the fatted calf.”
A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.
“Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?” yelled an irate man.
She rolled down her window and said, “What makes you think these are all mine?”
Says one humorist: “Life is unfair. I lost my car keys at a ball game and never found them. I lost my sunglasses at the beach and never found them. I lost my socks in the dryer and never found them. I lost three pounds on a diet - I found them and five more.”
A elderly couple went to breakfast at a restaurant where the “seniors' special” was 2 Eggs, Bacon, Hash Browns and Toast for $2.99.
“Sounds good” the wife said, “but I don't want the eggs.”
“Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte", the waiter warned her.
“You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?", the wife asked incredulously.
“Yes!”, stated the waiter.
“I'll take the special then", the wife said.
“Great…how do you want your eggs?", the waiter asked.
“Raw and in the shell", the wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake. DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
Odd Newspaper Headlines From Around the World
Include your children when baking cookies
Something went wrong in jet crash
Experts says police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
Safety experts say that school bus passengers should be belted
Drunk gets nine months in violin case
Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents
Miners refuse to work after death
Juvenile Court to try shooting defendant
Two Soviet ships collide, one dies
Red tape holds up new bridge
Astronaut takes blame for gas in spacecraft
Kids make nutritious snacks
Man minus ear waives hearing
There was once a Canadian bird who decided he didn’t want to fly south for the winter. He decided it was nonsense to go all the way down south when he could just stay right where he was at. So he stayed behind.
Well after awhile, it got kind of cold. Finally, he could take it no more and decided to fly south after all. As he was flying through the air, ice began to form on his wings to the point where he could no longer fly so he glided down and landed in a barnyard.
So here is the bird, he’s half frozen in a barnyard and at the point of death. About that time along comes a cow who walks right over the bird and drops a “plop” on him. Now the bird is really disgusted. He’s half frozen, dying, and now he has this “plop” on him. After a short time though, the ice begins to melt off of the bird. He starts to get warm under that “plop.” He begins to think to himself, “It’s getting warm. I’m going to live! I’m going to live!” Then right there underneath that “plop” he starts to sing little bird songs. He’s now happy once again.
About that time a cat comes along and hears this noise coming from underneath this “plop.” He moves the stuff off the bird and eats the bird.
There are three morals to the story:
Not everyone who drops a “plop” on you is necessarily your enemy
Not everyone who moves it off of you is necessarily your friend
And if someone does drop a “plop” on you, keep your mouth shut.
A mother went to wake her son for church one Sunday morning. When she knocked on his door, he said, "I'm not going!"
"Why not?" asked his mother.
"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me. Two, I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why YOU WILL go to church. One, you're 47 years old. Two, you're the pastor!"
A pirate had a wooden leg, a hook on one arm, and a patch over one eye. Someone asked him how these things happened.
He said that a whale bit off his leg, a crocodile had chewed off his hand, and a bird dropping hit him in the eye.
The other guy replied that he understood about the wooden leg having had his original bite off by a whale, and the hook was there to replace the hand the crocodile had chewed off, but a patch over the eye because of a bird dropping … that he didn’t understand.
The pirate said that when the bird dropping hit him in the eye, that was the first day he had had his hook.
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
Two guys were watching an old cowboy movie and it came to the part when the cowboy, on his horse, at full gallop, was headed right towards a cliff. One of the guys said to the other, “Hey, I’ll bet you 10 bucks that he jumps over the cliff.”
The other said, “Your on!”
Well the cowboy and the horse went right over the cliff. The guy that lost the bet paid up. A while later, the guy who won said, “Hey, I’m feeling a little guilty about our bet and need to make a confession … I've already seen the movie.”
The other guy replied, “Well, I have also seen the movie before … but I didn’t think he’d do it again!”
Three blonde-haired men are stranded on one side of a wide river, and don't know how to get across.
The first man prays to God to make him smart enough to figure out how to cross the river, so God turns him into a brown haired man and he swims across.
The second man prays to God to make him even smarter, so God turns him into a dark-haired man and he builds a boat and rows across.
Then the third man prays to God to make him the smartest of all, so God turns him into a woman and he walks across the bridge.
A child at a Christian school was studying the early days of Mormonism in his class.
He wrote on his paper, "The early Mormons believed in having more than one wife. This is called polygamy. But we believe in having only one wife. This is called monotony."
A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house, it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the preacher knocked several times. Finally, the preacher took out his card, wrote out "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door. 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me. - Revelation 3:20'
The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the preacher's message was written the following notation: 'I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself. - Genesis 3:10'
After the fall in the Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden.
One of the boys asked, "What's that?"
Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”
The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, “For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’”
A young teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not an atheist."
Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a Christian."
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.
"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, and I am a Christian."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
She paused, and smiled. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be an atheist."
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and He is always ready to help you when you need Him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
An elderly woman and her young grandson, whose face was just covered in freckles, spent a day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with all kinds of colorful designs.
"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a little girl in the line giggled… .
The little boy dropped his head in shame and embarrassment.
His grandmother saw what happened and knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles, Honey. You know, when I was a little girl I always wanted freckles," she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful and the most beautiful thing you can see on someone’s face."
The boy looked up, "Really?"
"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why just name me one thing that's more beautiful than freckles."
The little boy thought for a moment. Then he looked up so sweetly into his grandma's eyes, and softly whispered..... “Wrinkles."
A police officer found a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding motorists. One day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit, so he investigated and found the problem.
Ten- year old Dennis was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "Radar Trap Ahead."
A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "Tips" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.
After the baby was baptized, her four-year-old brother was crying inconsolably in the back seat of the car.
"What’s the matter Johnny?" asked his concerned mother.
Johnny replied: "That man said that he hoped our baby would be raised in a good Christian home… I just want her to stay with you guys."
The church is struck by lightning. The insurance company refuses to pay out for damages incurred, as there is a specific disclaimer clause for "An act of God", which, amongst others, lightning is classified as.
The Pastor goes to every household and asks for a donation to rebuild the church. One Christian farmer protested, "I'm sorry, Pastor, but I can't give money to somebody who set his own house on fire!"
Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. Johnny asked his mom, “Where’d he come from?”
“He came from heaven, Johnny.”
Johnny responded: “Wow! I can see why they threw him out!”
The story of Adam and Eve was being carefully explained in the children's Sunday School class. Following the story, the children were asked to draw a picture that would illustrate the story.
Little Bobby drew a picture of a car with three people in it. In the front seat was a man and in the back seat, a man and a woman.
The teacher was at a loss to understand how this illustrated the lesson of Adam and Eve. Little Bobby was prompt with his explanation. "Why, this is God driving Adam and Eve out of the garden!"
A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.
"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."
The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"
"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."
"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."
Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he’d become comfortable, the front doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on terry cloth slippers and a large towel, wrapped his head in a smaller towel, and went to the door. A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any magazines. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.
The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and towels, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell, and hit his back against the hard porcelain of the tub.
Muttering under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.
After examining him, the doctor said, “You know, you’ve been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax. Why don’t you go home and take a long hot bath?”.
Things You Never Hear in Church:
Hey! It's MY turn to sit on the front pew!
I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went over time 25 minutes.
Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
I've decided to give our church the $500.00 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
Forget the denominational minimum salary: let's pay our pastor so she/he can live like we do.
I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
Since we're all here, let's start the worship service early!
Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
A Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog.”
One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother doing the dishes at the kitchen sink. She was noticing that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
After a while she said, "Why are some of your hairs white, Momma?" Her mother, wanting to get some sympathy replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this for a while, and then asked, "So, Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?”
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife…."
On a wintry day, a 90-year-old man was in the supermarket trying to pay for his groceries. Bundled up against the cold, his gloved hands were having trouble retrieving and counting the exact change.
The transaction evidently took too long for the man behind him in line, who muttered a curse.
Dad stopped counting, turned around, and warned, “Be quiet or I’ll write a check.”
A senior citizen was chatting with his 80-year-old buddy. "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Do I know her?"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Is she a good cook?"
"Nah, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!”
One day a famous man went to a nursing home to see all of his friends again and see how there were doing. When he got there EVERYBODY greeted him [because, of course, everybody knows him].
One man he noticed didn't come up to him or say anything to him, so later he walked up to the man and asked him "Do you know who I am?"
The old man replied "No, but you can go to the front desk and they'll tell you.”
Grandma Annie’s first great-grandchild was born. After a few weeks, when the parents said they needed a little break, Grandma Annie was given the job of watching the child.
During the day Annie’s friend Ruthie comes to visit. “Let me see the little cutie,” says Ruthie.
“Not yet”, Annie responds.
About five minutes later Ruthie asks again. Again, she is refused.
So, in a little bit Ruthie asks one more time and is refused again. “What are you waiting for?”, Ruthie shouts out.
“I’m waiting for her to cry. “ says Annie.
“Why??” Ruthie exclaims.
“Because I forgot where I put her.
A young man who volunteers to sing to patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in the Bronx and took his musical instruments along. He told some jokes and sang some songs at the patients’ bedsides.
When he was finished for the afternoon he said, in all sincerity, “I hope you get better.”
One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.”
"The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation..
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought... He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
A guy noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. He stopped and asked him what was wrong. He told him, "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
The guy said "Well, then why are you crying?"
The old mad added, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite biscuits, cleans the house and then watches sports on television with me for the rest of the afternoon."
The guy said, "Well, I still don't know why you're crying."
He said, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then we cuddle until the small hours."
The guy asked "Well then, why in the world would you be crying?"
The old man replied, "I can't remember where I live."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now writes error messages for Microsoft.
Rumor has it, Billy Graham Ministries is starting up an Emotional Support Group for middle-aged men experiencing hair loss. Apparently, they close every meeting with the benediction: "Go, and thin no more!"
A guy strikes up a conversation with a lumberjack that he meets in a bar.
"How many trees do you think you've chopped down?" the guy asks.
"Exactly 2,742," the lumberjack replies.
"How do you know?"
"Because every time I chop one down, I keep a log."
The Sunday School teacher was describing that when Lot's wife looked back at Sodom she turned into a pillar of salt, when Bobby interrupted. "My mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced, "and she turned into a telephone pole."
Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Ireland. One is holding a cross and the other a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money into the hat of the man with the cross. Soon, the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.
A priest watches for a while and then approaches the men. He says to the man with the Star of David, "Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions holding a Star of David."
The man turns to the one with the cross and says, "Moishe, can you imagine, this goy is trying to tell us how to run our business?"
How many members of the Tate family belong to your church?
There is old man Dic-Tate who wants to run everything, while Uncle Ro-Tate tries to change everything. There's sister Agi-Tate who stirs up plenty of trouble, with help from her husband, Irri-Tate. Whenever new projects are suggested, Hesi-Tate and his wife, Vege-Tate, want to wait until next year. Then there is Aunt Imi-Tate, who wants our church to be like all the others. Devas-Tate provides the voice of doom, while Poten-Tate wants to be a big shot.
But not all members of the family are bad. Brother Facili-Tate is quite helpful in church matters. And a delightful, happy member of the family is Miss Felici-Tate. Cousins Cogi-Tate and Medi-Tate always think things over and lend helpful, steady hands.
And of course there is the black sheep of the family, Ampu-Tate, who has completely cut himself off from the church.
How about it - do you know anyone in the "Tate" family?
(03/21/2021) One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"
"I know, I know!" a little boy exclaimed, "pantyhose!"
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping"
- You're running out of clean clothes and the robe saves on laundry.
- The church is usually crowded and you want to make sure you always have a seat.
- You've just been selected for jury duty and you want to get used to sitting with a large group of people.
- The collection plate is never passed to the choir.
- There's a clock in the back of the church and you want to know when one hour has passed.
- For years you have wanted to know who sits in the back of the church but were afraid to turn around and look.
- You've been known to nod off during the service and don't want the minister to catch you.
- The chairs for the choir are padded and are the most comfortable chairs in the church.
A man lay dying and he began to yell out, "I need a priest, I need a priest!"
Another man came along and asked what was wrong. The dying man said, "I need a priest to give me last rites, I'm dying," the man said.
"There are no priests around here, but maybe I can help." I'm not a religious person myself, but I have lived next to the Catholic Church my whole life and I hear their ritual all the time. I think that I can say it for you."
The dying man said, "Thank You."
So the helpful man leaned close to the dying man and in a soft voice repeated the ritual as he has heard it so many times: "B-6, N-33, G-52, I-24, ... Bingo.”
The Pastor came to visit the other day. He said that at my advanced age I should be thinking of the hereafter.
I told him, "Oh, I do it all the time."
"No matter where I am - in the living room, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I am always asking myself: 'Now, what am I here after?'"
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied,
"I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, its my face they would recognize."
Airline flight attendant: "Welcome aboard Stingem Flight XXX to YYY.' We are pleased to have some of the best pilots in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"
Fred was in his early 60's, retired and had started a second career in catering. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 2, 3, 5 minutes late. However, he was a good worker and very clever, so the owner was in a quandary about how to deal with it.
Finally, one day he called Fred into the office for a talk. "Fred, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a top class job, but you're being late so often is quite a worry."
"Yes, I realize that, sir, and I am working on it." replied Fred.
"I'm pleased to hear that, you are a team player. It's odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Navy. What did they say if you came in late then?"
"They said, "Good morning, Admiral".'
After his return from an overseas, a guy couldn't find his luggage in the airport baggage area. So he went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his bags hadn't shown up on the carousel.
She smiled and told him not to worry because they were trained professionals and he was in good hands. "Now", she asked him, "has your plane arrived yet?"
A man boasts to a friend about his new hearing aid, "It's the most expensive one I've ever had, it cost me $3,500."
His friend asks, "What kind is it?"
The man says, "Half past four."
A large factory in a small town will only recruit married men. One of the local women, a feisty young lady, was angry about this and demanded to speak to the manager to find out why.
She demanded to know, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous.......or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the Factory Manager replied. "It's because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut, and don't pout when I yell at them."
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman all entered a 26 mile long swimming race. After 12 miles the Scottish man gets tired and drops out. Then after 16 miles the English man gets tired and drops out. After 25 miles the Irish man decides he can't finish the race, so he turns around and swims back to the start.
Rosie buys a self-assembly, flat-pack, cupboard for her bedroom from her local Home Depot store. Reaching home she reads the instructions carefully, counts the pieces, then assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks great and she is delighted.
Now, Rosie lives near a railway line and as the train passes by the cupboard collapses. Undaunted by this misfortune she re-reads the instructions and reassembles the cupboard. Once more, another train passes and the whole cupboard collapses again.
Rosie, now frustrated and thinking that she must have done something, "wrong" re-re-reads the instructions and re-re-assembles the cupboard. Shortly, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses yet again for the 3rd time.
Rosie is now fed up and rather angry so she calls the customer service department at Home Depot. She is told that this is quite impossible and that they'll send along a carpenter to look at it.
The carpenter arrives and assembles the cupboard. Again, a train passes and the cupboard collapses. Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the carpenter decides to reassemble the cupboard and sit inside it to see whether he can find out what causes the cupboard to collapse.
At this point, Rosie's husband comes home, sees the cupboard and says, "Oh, that's a great looking cabinet," and opens it to look inside.
The carpenter, who had been wondering how to explain his position in Rosie's bedroom cabinet, blurts out, "You probably won't believe me, but I'm sitting here waiting for a train."
The hospital's consulting dietician was giving a lecture to several community nurses.
"The rubbish we put into our stomachs and consume should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is terrible. Fizzy drinks attack your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with msg. Vegetables can be disastrous because of fertilizers and pesticides and none of us realizes the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking water. However, there is one food that is incredibly dangerous and we all have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives. Now, is anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?:
A 65-year-old nurse sitting in the front row stood up and said, 'Wedding cake.'