Humor & Laughs

a time to weep and a time to laugh  Ecclesiastes 3:4a (NIV)

(09/10/2022)

After the wedding, the little ringbearer asked his father, “How many brides can the groom marry?”

 

“One,” his father said. “Why do you ask?”

 

“Because the priest said he could marry sixteen,” the boy said, puzzled.

 

“How’d you come up with that?” his father asked.

 

“Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up like the priest said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”

(09/09/2022)

A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, “Don’t pay for me, Daddy, I’m under five.”

(09/07/2022)

Three people were visiting and viewing the Grand Canyon - an artist, a pastor and a cowboy. As they stood on the edge of that massive abyss, each one responded with a cry of exclamation.

 

The artist said, “Ah, what a beautiful scene to paint!”

 

The minister cried, “What a wonderful example of the handiwork of God!”

 

The cowboy mused, “What a terrible place to lose a cow!”

(08/30/3033)

A criminal with a long record of transgressions was on trial for his latest crime. The jury found him guilty on 33 counts and the judge sentenced him to 189 years. Realizing that even with time off for good behavior he would be over one hundred when he was released, the prisoner burst into tears.

 

Noting this display of remorse, the judge reconsidered. He said, “I didn’t mean to be so severe. Thinking it over, I can see that I’ve imposed an extremely harsh sentence. So you don’t have to serve the whole time.”

 

The prisoner beamed with new found hope until the judge leaned toward him and said, “Just do a much as you can.”

(08/27/2022)

The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women:

  • Fine- I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.

  • That's Okay- One of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.

  • Nothing- The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).

  • Five Minutes- If getting dressed, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house.)

  • Thanks- A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go.

  • Loud Sigh- Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing." (See #3)  

  • Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)

  • Don't worry about it, I got it- The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3)

(08/23/2022)

There's four main rules when looking a good woman in a relationship:

1) Find a woman who's a good cook and keeps a clean home.
2) Find a woman who is fiscally responsible and appreciative of gifts you can afford.
3) Find a woman who is passionate and loving.
4) And The Most Important of all: Make sure they never find out about one another.

(07/25/2022)

Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Yankees each buy a train ticket and watch as the three Southerners buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Yankee.

 

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Southerners.

 

They all board the train. The Yankees take their respective seats but all three Southerners cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

 

The Yankees see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Yankees decide to copy the Southerners on the return trip and save some money (being tight with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Southerners don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Yankee.

 

"Watch and you'll see," answers a Southerner.

 

When they board the train, the three Yankees cram into a restroom and the three Southerners cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

 

Shortly afterward, one of the Southerners leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Yankees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."

(07/23/2022)

A policeman was taking a vandalism report at an elementary school when he was interrupted by a six year old girl. She looked up and down at his uniform and asked, "Are you a policeman?"

 

"Yes, I am," he said.

 

"My mother told me that if I ever needed help I should ask a policeman. Is that right," the girl asked.

 

"Yes it is," said the policeman.

 

The girl extended her foot to the policeman and said, "OK, then, would you tie my shoe?"

(07/22/2022)

A professional juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

"What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your car?" asks the police officer.

 

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

 

"Oh yeah? Let's see you do it," says the officer.

 

So the juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches
masterfully.

 

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his
wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the DUI test they're giving now!"

(07/16/2022)

Why Men Are Happier:

 

Men can play with toys all their life.

Men can wear shorts no matter what their legs look like.

Men have one wallet and one pair of shoes which are good for every season.

Men can choose whether or not to grow a mustache.

Men can "do" their fingernails with a pocket knife.

Chocolate is just another snack.

The whole garage belongs to them.

Weddings take care of themselves.

Men's last name never changes.

Everything on a man's face stays its original color.

Men only have to shave their faces and necks.

Men can keep the same hairstyle for years, even decades.

Men can do their Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on Christmas Eve in 25 minutes.

For men, wrinkles add character.

Men can go on a week's vacation and pack only one suitcase.

Men's new shoes don't cause blisters, or cut or mangle their feet.

Men don't have to stop and think which way to turn a screw.

Men have one mood all the time.

A wedding dress cost $5000. A tuxedo rental - 100 bucks

(07/13/2022)

NASA put a bunch of cows into orbit. They call it the herd shot round the world.

(07/08/2022)

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.

 

The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

 

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"

 

"So?," asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

(07/07/2022)

George was a thoughtful husband. He wanted to give his wife something special for her birthday which was coming up soon. As he sat on the edge of the bed, he watched his wife turning back and forth and looking at herself in the mirror. "Reta," he said, "What would you like for your birthday?"

 

His wife continued to look at herself and said, "I'd like to be six again."

 

George knew just what to do. On the big day, he got up early and made his wife a bowl of Fruit Loops. Then he took her to an amusement park where they rode all the rides. Five hours later, Reta's stomach felt upside down and her head was reeling. Never the less, George took her to McDonald's and bought her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Next, it was a movie with popcorn, soda and her favorite candy.

 

As Reta wobbled into the house that evening and flopped on the bed, George asked her, "Well, Dear, what was it like to be six again?"

 

Reta looked up at him. Her expression changed. She said, "I meant my dress size!"

(06/11/2022)

Fireman: Your husband is buried under the rubble and I'm afraid we won't be able to get him out in time.

Wife (moving towards rubble): LOOKS LIKE I'LL HAVE TO DO ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON.

Rumble (rubble starts to move).

(06/05/2022)

Kids have a greater need for speed than classroom computers can deliver.
Impatient to turn in his term paper, one restless student kept clicking the "Print" command.
The printer started to churn out copy after copy of the kid's ten-page report.
The topic? "Save Our Trees."

(06/03/2022)

This guy had a problem of oversleeping. He was always late for work, and his boss was getting mad. So he went to the doctor and got some pills that were supposed to help. That night he slept well and woke up even before the alarm! He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work.

"Boss," he said. "The pill the doctor gave me actually worked!"

"That's fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

(05/25/2022)

This has to be one of the best "singles" ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.

"A young SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant, but prefer Christian male. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand, and afterwards I'd love snuggling with you. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Ginger, I'll be waiting ..."

 

Over15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society

(05/13/2022)

When a mother saw a thunderstorm forming in mid-afternoon, she worried about her seven-year-old daughter who would be walking the three blocks from school to home.

 

Deciding to meet her, the mother saw her daughter walking nonchalantly along, stopping to smile whenever lightning flashed.

 

Seeing her mother, the little girl ran to her, explaining happily, "All the way home, God's been taking my picture!"

(05/10/2022)

Programmer to Team Leader:

"We can't do this proposed project. **CANNOT** It will involve a major design change and no one in our team knows the design of this legacy system. And above that, nobody in our company knows the language in which this application has been written. So even if somebody wants to work on it, they can't. If you ask my personal opinion, the company should never take these type of projects."

Team Leader to Project Manager:

"This project will involve a design change. Currently, we don't have any staff with experience in this type of work. Also, the language is unfamiliar to us, so we will have to arrange for some training if we take this project. In my personal opinion, we are not ready to take on a project of this nature."

Project Manager to 1st Level Management:

"This project involves a design change in the system and we don't have much experience in that area. Also, not many people in our company are appropriately trained for it. In my personal opinion, we might be able to do the project, but we would need more time than usual to complete it."

1st Level Management to Senior Level Management:

"This project involves design re-engineering. We have some people who have worked in this area and others who know the implementation language. So they can train other people. In my personal opinion, we should take this project, but with caution."

Senior Level Management to CEO:

"This project will demonstrate to the industry our capabilities in remodeling the design of a complete legacy system. We have all the necessary skills and people to execute this project successfully. Some people have already given in-house training in this area to other staff members. In my personal opinion, we should not let this project slip by us under any circumstances."

CEO to Client:

"This is the type of project in which our company specializes. We have executed many projects of the same nature for many large clients. Trust me when I say that we are the most competent firm in the industry for doing this kind of work. It is my personal opinion that we can execute this project successfully and well within the given time frame."

(05/07/2022)

MOTHER'S OF THE FAMOUS:

Columbus' Mother: "I don't care what you've discovered, Chris. You still could have written."
Michelangelo's Mother: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
Mary's Mother: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how it got a better grade than you."
Batman's Mother: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"
Goldilocks Mother: "I've got a bill here for a broken chair from the Bear family. Do you know anything about this, Goldie?"
Albert Einstein's Mother: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
George Washington's Mother: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
Superman's Mother: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"
Thomas Edison's Mother: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed."

(05/01/2022)

During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!!!"
The METHODISTS gathered in the corner and prayed.
The BAPTISTS passed the plate to cover the damage.
The QUAKERS quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
The LUTHERANS posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil.
The CATHOLICS "Where is the holy water?"
The JEWS posted symbols on the doors hoping the fire would pass.
The CONGREGATIONALISTS shouted, "Every man for himself!"
The FUNDAMENTALISTS proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God!"
The EPISCOPALIANS formed a procession and marched out.
The CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS concluded that there was no fire.
The PRESBYTERIANS appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.
The SECRETARY grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.

(04/28/2022)

A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little daughter started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you...."

(04/27/2022)

An Irishman moved into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walked into the local pub, and promptly ordered three beers. The bartender raised his eyebrows, but served the man three beers, which he drank quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man had finished the three beers and ordered three more. This happened yet again. The next evening the man again ordered and drank three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town was whispering about The Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broached the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers at a time?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replied. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank, as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and a source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then one day, the man came in and ordered only two beers. The bartender poured them with a heavy heart. This continued for the rest of the evening. "Each time he orders only two beers," the word flew around town. Prayers were offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender said to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know -- the two beers instead of three, and all..."

The man pondered this for a moment, then replied, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

(04/25/2022)

A man is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught in some railroad tracks. He tried to get it out, but it was really stuck in there. He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming. He panicked and started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop drinking!"


Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop drinking AND swearing!"


Still nothing...and the train was just seconds away! He tried it one last time, "God please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit drinking, swearing and smoking."


Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way, just as the train passed. He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said... "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."

(04/23/2022)

There were two men shipwrecked on an island. The minute they got on to the island one of them started screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!"


The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly that it drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?!? We're going to die!!"


The second man replied, "You don't understand. I make $100,000 a week."


The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!!!"


The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 per week. My pastor will find me!"

(04/22/2022)

Rules For Dieting:

  • If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

  • If you drink diet soda with candy bars, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

  • When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.

  • Food used for medicinal purposes never counts, such as hot chocolate, toast, and Sara Lee cheesecake.

  • If you fatten up the people around you, then you look thinner.

  • Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and are not part of one's personal intake. Examples are Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.

  • Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking cookies causes caloric leakage.

  • Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife while making a sandwich, or ice cream on a spoon while making a sundae.

  • Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. For instance, spinach and pistachio ice cream, cauliflower and whipped cream. Note: Chocolate is a universal substitute and may be used in place of any other food.

(04/17/2022)

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding to the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room, the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over the toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

(04/16/2022)

A pastor assured his congregation he was their servant and that they should feel free to call him anytime they had a problem.

That night the pastor's phone rang at 3 a.m. On the other end was a dear elderly lady who said, "Pastor, I can't sleep."

"I'm so sorry to hear that," he comforted her. "But what can I do about it?" the pastor asked.

She sweetly replied, "Preach to me a while."

(04/15/2022)

A 4 year old's prayer:

"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

(04/13/2022)

The Pope has just finished a tour of the Napa Valley and is taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never driven a limo, he asks the chauffeur if he can drive for a while. Since the chauffeur really doesn't have much of a choice, he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.
     
The Pope proceeds down Silverado, and starts accelerating to see what the limo can do. He gets to about 90 MPH, and suddenly he sees the red and blue lights of the highway patrol in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window.
     
The trooper, seeing who it is, says, 'Just a moment please, I need to call in.' The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how he should handle it.
     
'It's not the Senator again is it?' asks the chief.
     
'No Sir!' replies the trooper, 'This guy's more important.'
     
'Is it the Governor?' asks the chief.
     
'No! Even more important!' replies the trooper.
     
'Is it the PRESIDENT??? asks the chief.
     

'No! Even more important!' replies the trooper.
     
'Well WHO is it?' screams the chief.
     
'I don't know Sir.' replies the trooper, 'but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur.'

(04/12/2022)

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
     
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
     
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
     
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

cartoon17.jpg

(06/10/2022) - Click to enlarge

cartoon16.jpg

(06/07/2022) - click to enlarge

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(05/05/2022) - click to enlarge

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