Humor & Laughs
a time to weep and a time to laugh Ecclesiastes 3:4a (NIV)
07/09/2021 (click to enlarge)
The reverend's sermon was based on forgiveness. He urged the congregation not to harbor grudges against those who have offended them. He asked everyone to stand.
He then said "those of you who forgive and forget past grievances please be seated". About half of those in the church sat.
He then quoted Biblical verses and repeated his question to those still standing. At this point most sat down.
He pleaded further for them to follow the Christian way and one by one they sat down. Just one old lady remained standing. "Madam" the reverend asked, "why can't you forgive your enemies?"
"Because I have none" she replied.
"That is remarkable; at your age to have no enemies is wonderful. To what do you attribute this achievement?"
She gave him her best smile and replied, "they've all died!"
Some Clever and Amusing Thoughts on Being a Christian:
Under same management for over 2,000 years.
Soul food served here.
Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk.
You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.
Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!
Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church.
We should be more concerned with the Rock Of Ages, instead of the age of rock.
Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!
Come early for a good seat in the back.
Life has many choices, Eternity has two. What's yours?
The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.
Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.
A man's character is like a fence. It cannot be strengthened by whitewash.
A Sunday School teacher had just concluded her lesson and wanted to make sure she had made her point. She said, “Can anyone tell me what you must do before you can obtain forgiveness of sin?”
There was a short pause and then, from the back of the room, a small boy spoke up. "Sin," he said.
The Sunday School Teacher asked, “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?”
“No Ma'am,” little Johnny replies, “I don’t have to – my Mom is a good cook!”
The Sunday School teacher asked her class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane. So, she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
“The flight to Egypt,” said Kyle.
“I see… And that must be Mary, Joseph, and the Baby Jesus,” the teacher said. “But who’s the fourth person?”
Kyle explained, “Oh, that’s Pontius the Pilot!”
A man in a hurry taking his eight-year-old son to school made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.
"Uh-oh, I think I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.
"It's okay, Dad," the boy said, "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
A mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy finally got her son to sit still and be quiet during the service at the First Baptist Church.
About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, "If you don’t be quiet, the Pastor is going to lose his place and he will have to start his sermon all over again!"
A cheating painting contractor had been skimping by excessively thinning his paint. Nevertheless, he landed a big job painting a church. He was almost done when a major storm blew up. It washed all the paint off.
Amid the thunder and lightening, there came a loud voice…
“REPAINT,” it boomed. “REPAINT, AND THIN NO MORE!”
It was the day after Christmas and he pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside to look and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus. He walked up to the boy and said, “Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?”
The little boy replied, “I got him from the church.”
“And why did you take him?”
The boy said, “Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it."
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The Deacons met and decided to put a water-slide in the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
And not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him.
A Sunday School teacher asked her group of children if anyone could quote the entire 23rd Psalm. A golden-haired, four-and-a-half-year-old girl was among those who raised their hands. A bit skeptical, the teacher asked if she could really quote the entire Psalm.
The little girl came to the front of the room, faced the class, bowed, and said, “The Lord is my shepherd, that’s all I want.” She bowed again and went and sat down.
That may well be the greatest interpretation of the 23rd Psalm ever heard.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Curt and Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News in Starkeville, Mississippi, and decided to buy a mule for $100. The farmer who owned the mule agreed to deliver it the following day.
The next morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows - I have some bad news. The mule died last night."
"Well, then - just give us our money back," Leroy said.
The farmer replied, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"Ok then, the men replied. Just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer replied, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curt replied, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Leroy and Curt at the grocery store and asked, "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They replied, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do." Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."
The farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis replied, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They're overseeing the Government Bailout Program.
In a third-world country, an incensed man was on a soapbox in the middle of the city yelling in a loud voice - "THE GOVERNMENT IS CORRUPT! I TELL YOU, THE GOVERNMENT IS CORRUPT!!"
Suddenly the storm troopers came and began to drag the man away (I'm certain either to prison or to hang in the gallows).
"WAIT, WAIT!" the man shouted. "I DIDN'T SAY WHICH GOVERNMENT WAS CORRUPT!"
One of the storm troopers replied, as they continued to drag him away, "YOU KNOW THERE'S ONLY ONE CORRUPT GOVERNMENT HERE!"
Two men, Shot and Not got into a duel.
Now the shot that Shot shot, shot not Not, but shot not at all.
But the shot that Not shot, shot Shot.
Now Shot being shot, and Not not, Not won, Not withstanding.
A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought that the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close their doors, but they ignored him.
So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close up shop. Hugh beat up the friars mercilessly and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close down immediately.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.
A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful.
"Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"
"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in just one session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" the son asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."
A little boy was given a five dollar bill to put in the collection plate. When the offering came around, he wouldn't put it in. But after the end of the service, when he went to shake the pastor's hand, he pulled out the five dollar bill and gave it to the pastor.
The pastor asked him, "Why are you giving me this money? Why didn't you put it in the offering plate?"
The boy answered, "Because my mommy told me you're the poorest pastor we've ever had!"