Humor & Laughs

a time to weep and a time to laugh  Ecclesiastes 3:4a (NIV)

(03/30/2020)

Computer users are divided into three types: Novice, Intermediate, and Expert.

Novice User - Someone who is afraid that simply pressing a key might break a computer.

Intermediate User - Someone who doesn't know how to fix a computer after pressing the key that broke it.

Expert User - Someone who presses the key that breaks someone else's computer.

(03/28/2020)

For some recruits, there is nothing basic about basic training.

It was clear that one soldier in particular was not getting the hang of it when on guard duty, he cried out, "Halt!  Don't shoot, or I'll move!"

(03/24/2020)

During training exercises, the green lieutenant was driving down a muddy back road.

He encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."

(03/19/2020)

A school teacher been teaching his seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, "What was the largest amphibious assault of all time?"

Expecting to see "the D-Day invasion" as the answer, the teacher found instead on one paper, "Moses and the plague of frogs." 

(03/10/2020)

The drill sergeant, making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good. Private Johnson will be setting the pace on our morning run."

With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Johnson was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Johnson will be driving a truck." 

(03/09/2020)

On the Navy carrier USS George Washington, the air wing was busy with training missions. After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, "That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd."

The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing:

"Be vewy, vewy quiet. We aw hunting submawines." 

(03/07/2020)

Dewey wanted to be an accountant, so he went and took the accountancy exam.

Examiner: If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?

Dewey: Five.

Examiner: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Dewey: Five.

Examiner: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of pop and then I give you another two bottles of pop, how many bottles of pop have you got?
Dewey: Four.

Examiner: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Dewey: Five.

Examiner: How on earth do you work out that two lots of two rabbits is five?
Dewey: I've already got one rabbit at home!

(03/04/2020)

I do not think -- therefore I am not. Here is the illustration of this principle:

One evening Rene Descartes went to relax at a local tavern. The tender approached and said, "Ah, good evening Monsieur Descartes! Shall I serve you the usual drink?".

Descartes replied, "I think not.", and promptly vanished.

(02/22/2020)

A teacher was taking her first golf lesson.

"Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.

"'Putt' is correct," he replied.  "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means a vain attempt to do the same thing." 

(02/21/2020)

Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring.

"There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice," said Mrs. Davis with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach."

"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me," declared Mrs. Jones proudly. "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house."

Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does. Nobody."

"So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.

"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour just to talk about me!"

(02/19/2020)

Tired from waiting for their overdue baby, a couple broke the monotony one night with a trip to the movies. The expectant went inside to get seats while her husband bought popcorn and drinks in the lobby.

Paying for the refreshments, he knocked over his soda. The clerk mopped up the mess and refilled his cup. Rattled, he then joined his wife. Talking over the background music, he dramatically described his embarrassing episode. One of his expressive gestures upset the bucket of popcorn. He sheepishly headed back to the lobby.

When he was out of earshot, the woman sitting next to the wife turned and said, "You're not going to let him hold the baby, are you?"

(02/18/2020)

The crowded cafeteria sported a large sign reading: "Watch Your Hat and Overcoat."

John did. He kept turning every minute, almost choking over his food. His pal, Dave, kept on eating, without thought of his own coat on the hook.

Finally Dave said, "You, dope...stop watching our overcoats."

"I'm only watching mine," replied John. "Yours has been gone for over half an hour."

(02/17/2020)

THE RULES OF BUREAUCRACY:

1. Preserve thyself.
2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.
3. A penny saved is an oversight.
4. Information deteriorates upward.
5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.
6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.
7. For any given large, complex, hard to understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap wrong answer.
8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.
9. To err is human; to shrug is service.
10. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.

(02/16/2020)

Every morning, a little girl would go in the bathroom to watch Mommy as she was putting on her makeup to go to work.

But this certain morning when Mom turned to leave the bathroom, the little girl loudly said, "Mom, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper goodbye!"

(02/15/2020)

A student was taking a ground school class for private pilots. During the sessions on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation - the act of going from a gas to a solid skipping the intermediate stage(s). e.g., frost - water vapor in the air becoming a solid on surfaces without first going through the liquid stage.

Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a solid to a gas (expecting "dry ice" as the answer).  

A previously unknown section of the student's mind took control of his mouth and immediately emitted the word "burrito."

It took the instructor about ten minutes to regain an academic composure. 

(02/12/2020)

A grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"!

 

Grandma mentally polished her halo while she asked, "No, how are we alike?"

 

You're both old," he replied.

(02/10/2020)

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.

 

As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.  At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.

 

As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

(02/07/2020)

A Granddad took his grandson, Billy,  on a vacation. As they entered their vacation cabin, they kept the lights off until they were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.

 

Still, a few fireflies followed them in.  Noticing them before his Granddad did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa.  The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

(02/05/2020)

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.  They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

 

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."

(01/31/2020)

Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.

 

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

 

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

 

"Sure," said the young boy confidently.  "It means carrying a child."

(01/30/2020)

A mother took her four-year-old daughter to a baptismal service at her church. Later that night, her daughter took all of her dolls into the bathtub with her and held her own "baptism."

As she dunked each doll under the water, she repeated, "Now I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and hold your nose."

(01/24/2020)

As a fun assignment, a teacher gave the students the beginning of a list of famous sayings and asked them to provide original endings for each one. Here are some examples of what the students submitted.
- The grass is always greener when you leave the sprinkler on.
- A rolling stone plays the guitar.
- The grass is always greener when you remember to water it.
- A bird in the hand is a real mess.
- No news is no newspaper.
- It's better to light one candle than to waste electricity.
- It's always darkest just before I open my eyes.
- You have nothing to fear but homework.
- If you can't stand the heat, don't start the fireplace.
- If you can't stand the heat, go swimming.
- Never put off 'til tomorrow what you should have done yesterday.
- A penny saved is nothing in the real world.

(01/20/2020)

Science Quotes From Kids (Part 3 of 4):

~ One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
~ You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
~ When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
~ When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy. When planets do it, we say they are orbiting.
~ While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
~ Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change into a sun in the daytime.
~ A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
~ Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to become oil.
~ Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.

(01/18/2020)

Science Quotes From Kids (Part 2 of 4):

~ A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
~ Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
~ Liter: A nest of young puppies.
~ Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
~ Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
~ Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
~ Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
~ Vacuum: A large, empty space where the Pope lives.
~ Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
~ To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
~ For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
~ For dog bite put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
~ For head cold use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
~ To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

(01/16/2020)

Science Quotes From Kids (Part 1 of 4):

~ H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
~ To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
~ Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
~ Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
~ Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
~ Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
~ The moon is a planet, just like the earth, only it is even deader.
~ Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
~ Mushrooms always grow in damp places so they look like umbrellas.
~ The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects.
~ The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
~ A permanent set of teeth consist of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.
~ The tides are a fight between the earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

(01/13/2020)

As a woman was conditioning her hair in the shower, she took time to read the shampoo bottle.  She was in shock!  The shampoo she uses in the shower that runs down her entire body says "for extra volume and body"!  Seriously, why had she not noticed this before?

Now she's going to start using "Dawn" dish soap!  It says right on the bottle, "Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove".

It pays to read the warning labels!

(01/11/2020)

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why on earth did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs." 

(01/10/2020)

Three guys went away on a hunting trip.

Once they'd set up their camp site, they prepared to leave for the hunt. Unfortunately, they discovered they'd only brought one hunting rifle along with them. So they decided they'd each take turns hunting.

The first one headed out and, a few hours later, he returned. He came back with a raccoon.

The other guys were amazed and asked how he got the raccoon. "Saw tracks, followed tracks, shot raccoon." he said.

The second hunter thought that this was going to be easy, so he headed out. After a short time, he came back with a bear. The other two guys asked how he got the bear and he replied, "Saw tracks, followed tracks, shot bear."

The third hunter thought that this was so easy, even he could do it. He left ... and came back three days later, battered and bruised. He looked awful. The other guys asked what had happened. He said, "Saw tracks, followed tracks ... got hit by train." 

(01/09/2020)

A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.

"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up?" 

(01/08/2020)

Many hymnals have a hymn called "Gladly the Cross I'd Bear."

It seems that one week when the church secretary was typing the Sunday bulletin, she asked the pastor which hymn would come just before the sermon. He replied with the above-mentioned hymn.

The following Sunday the bulletin read:

Hymn No. 134: "Gladly, the Cross-eyed Bear." 

(01/06/2020)

You know you're a northerner when...

~ you know the 4 seasons - winter, still winter, not winter and almost winter
~ you have more miles on your snow blower than your car
~ driving in winter is better, because all the potholes get filled with snow
~ you feel warm and toasty at minus 26
~ you find minus 40 a mite chilly
~ the trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer
~ somewhere in the area is a piece of frozen metal with bits of your tongue stuck to it
~ you thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary
~ men think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown with only eight buttons
~ your dog wears boots too
~ the mayor greets you on the street by your first name
~ if you don't go out for lunch you miss the sunrise and sunset
~ there is a sign outside of McDonalds that says: "Park dogteams in back"
~ if the school district had snow days, no one would ever have to go to school
~ you live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is one yard above the ground

 

(01/02/2020)

Little Dewey burst through the front door with a smile on his face. Surprised, his mother asked, "Why are you home from school so early?"

Dewey said, "They let me go early because I was the only one who could answer a tough question."

"Oh, really? What was the question?" his mother asked.

"'Who threw the eraser at the teacher?'"

(12/31/2019)

One month into Marine Corps training in San Diego, Calif., a platoon was preparing for a ten-mile march in 100-degree weather when a jeep drove up with a large radio in the back.

"Who knows anything about radios?" the drill instructor asked.

Several hands went up, and anticipating a ride in the jeep, recruits began listing their credentials. Everything from a degree in communications to a part-time job in a repair shop was declared.

The DI listened to all the contenders, then pointed to the most qualified. "You," he barked. "Carry the radio." 

(12/30/2019)

The bookie slowly counted out the money into the old lady's wrinkled hands.

"Lady," he said, "I just don't understand. However did you manage to pick the winner?"

The old lady patted her white locks in place. She looked a little bewildered. "Really," she said, "I don't know myself. I just stick a pin in the paper and, well, there it is."

The bookie took a deep breath. "That's all very well, lady," he cried. "But how on earth did you manage to pick four winners yesterday afternoon?"

"Oh," replied the old lady, "that was easy. I used a fork." 

(12/28/2019)

Mother asks little Johnny, as they wait for the bus, to tell the driver he is 4 years old when asked because he will ride for free.

As they get into the bus the driver asks Johnny how old he is. "I am 4 years old."

"And when will you be five years old?" asks the driver.

“When I get off the bus," answers Johnny. 

(12/25/2019)

At the school where a girl's mother worked, the two first-grade teachers were Miss Paine and Mrs. Hacking. One morning the mother of the student called in the middle of a flu epidemic to excuse her daughter from school.

"Is she in Paine or Hacking?" the school secretary asked.

"She feels fine," said the confused mom. "We have company and I'm keeping her home."

(12/21/2019)

LAWS OF LIFE

  1. When ones hands are covered in oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of Itchiban)

  2. Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insuranctions So Sorry Law)

  3. When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law)

  4. The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it's exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of Pi Eyed)

  5. The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to its need to be clean. (Law of Campbell's Scoop)

  6. Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring. (Law of Gotta Go!)

  7. Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one's hairdo. (The Hair-Wind Principle)

  8. After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of Irreversibility)

  9. Arriving for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else arrived before you. (Law of De Lay)

  10. Do not take life too serious, because in the end, you won't come out alive anyway. (Law of Absolute Certainly)

(12/17/2019)

GRANDMOTHERS ACCORDING TO 8-YEAR OLDS:

A grandmother is a lady who has no little children of her own.  She likes other people's.
A grandfather is a man grandmother.
Grandmothers don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.  They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run.  It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks."
They don't say, "Hurry up."
Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandmothers don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like, "Why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?"
When they read to us, they don't skip.  They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

(12/16/2019)

Marv took his family to visit a living history museum, which included seeing houses and stores that were more than one hundred years old.
After they entered an old one-room schoolhouse Marv pointed to a desk that had an empty hole for an ink bottle.
"What do you think this hole was for?" he asked his kids.
His twelve-year-old son Martin replied, "It's a Coke can holder." 

(12/15/2019)

A woman's husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years she had to think about preparing midday meals.
Tired of it after several months, she said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch."
"Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied.
A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited his wife to join him afterward.
"We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested.  She happily agreed.
At the restaurant the next day, they were seated and the waiter came to take their order. The husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, "Separate checks, please..."

(12/14/2019)

 With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The minister inquired trips to where? "For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."

The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"

Brother Ralph: "I'm going back to get her." 

(12/13/2019)

A young man was sitting next to a guy in one of the two "husband chairs" in a ladies' clothing store.

After 30 minutes and five outfits, the young man's wife came out of the change room again.

He looked at her and immediately said: "That looks good on you. Get that one."

"Honey," she replied, "this is what I was wearing when we came in." 

(12/11/2109)

Advertisements with unintended meaning:

 

- No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

- For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

- Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

- Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

- Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

(12/09/2019)

A man goes to the Chicago Bears ticket office and inquires about purchasing play-off tickets. The ticket teller replies that there weren't any tickets for sale because the Bears did not make it to the play-offs.

The following day the same man goes to the Chicago Bears ticket office and inquires about purchasing Bears play-off tickets. The ticket teller politely replies that there weren't any tickets for sale because the Bears did not make it to the play-offs.

This goes on for an entire week. The man goes to the Bears ticket office inquiring about play-off tickets and the teller says none are for sale because the Bears did not make it to the play-offs.

Another week of this goes by and the man still is asking the ticket teller about Bears play-off tickets. Finally the ticket teller in a loud voice says, "I'VE TOLD YOU FOR THE LAST 2 WEEKS THERE WERE NOT ANY TICKETS AVAILABLE BECAUSE THE BEARS DID NOT MAKE THE PLAY-OFFS."

The man replied, "I know. I drive all the way from Green Bay every day just to hear you say that!" 

(12/07/2019)

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while.

"I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five." 

(12/05/2019)

The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"

One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union." 

(12/04/2019)

Two guys meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."

"Chickens, eh?" says one guy. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"

"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "if you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."

The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?" 

(12/03/2019)

At 82 years old, a guy applied for his first passport. He was told he'd need a birth certificate, but his birth had never been officially registered.

 

When he explained his dilemma to the passport agent, the response was less than helpful.

 

"In lieu of a birth certificate," the agent said, "you can bring a notarized affidavit from the doctor who delivered you."

(11/27/2019)

To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chic Italian restaurant.

 

After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.

 

"Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That's the owner."

(11/24/2019)

A young teenager is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father explains, "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

 

The boy picks up his date and they go off to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. Suddenly, he remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.

 

He asks the girl, "Do you like spinach?"

 

She says "No," and the silence returns.

 

After a few more uncomfortable moments, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list.  He asks, "Do you have a brother?"

 

Again, the girl says "No," and there is silence once again.

 

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl, "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"

(11/22/2019)

Before going on vacation, a woman went to a tanning salon. She was under the lights so long that the protective shades she wore left a big white circle around each eye.

 

Gazing at herself in the mirror the next day, she thought, "Man, I look like a clown."

 

She had almost convinced herself that she was over-reacting until she got in line at the grocery store. She felt a tug at her shirt and looked down to see a toddler staring up at her.

 

He asked, "Are you giving out balloons?"

(11/21/2019)

Finishing up work at a trade show in San Diego, two workers decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, they went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware.

 

As they crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report.

 

"Not really," one replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased.

 

Everyone around them froze as she continued, "I only bought a little pot."

(11/20/2019)

A U.S. Coast Guard pilot was on an exchange tour with the Royal Navy in England.

 

Everyone who drove through the base's gates was required to hold an official ID card up to the windshield for inspection by the guards.

 

As a friendly competition, the pilot's squadron started flashing different forms of ID, such as a driver's license, just to see how far they could go to fool the busy guards.

 

The winner? The pilot who breezed past waving a piece of toast.

(11/19/2019)

The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"

 

"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked.

 

"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

(11/18/2019)

A secretary at an international airport had an office adjacent to the room where security temporarily holds suspects. One day security officers were questioning a man when they were suddenly called away on another emergency. To the horror of the secretary and her colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room.

 

After a few minutes, the door opened and he began to walk out. Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, "Get back in there, and don't you come out until you're told!"  

 

The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door. When the security people returned, the women reported what had happened. Without a word, an officer walked into the room and released one very frightened telephone repairman.

(11/14/2019)

A guy was being sold a very cheap suit. "But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm," he complained.

 

"That's why the suit is such a bargain," the sales clerk explained. "Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this."

 

"But the right leg is way too short," argued the customer.

 

"No problem," the sales clerk answered. "Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That's why this suit is only thirty dollars."

 

Finally, the guy bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit's left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car.

 

Two doctors happened along and noticed him. "Good grief," the first doctor said to the second, "look at that poor crippled fellow."

 

"Yeah," answered the second doctor. "But doesn't that suit fit great?"

(11/13/2019)

Two intrepid explorers met in the heart of the Brazilian jungle.

 

"I'm here," declared one, "to commune with nature in the raw, to contemplate the eternal verities and to widen my horizons. And you, sir?"

 

"I," sighed the second explorer, "came because my young daughter has begun violin lessons."

(11/10/2019)

En route to Hawaii, a guy noticed one of the passengers sitting next to him in the coach section of the airplane dialing her cell phone.

 

"Excuse me. That can't be on during the flight," he reminded her. "Besides, we're over the ocean-you won't get a signal out here."

 

"That's okay," she said. "I'm just calling my daughter. She's sitting up in first class."

(11/07/2019)

A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott.

 

It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway, it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.

(11/06/2019)

Flying into a Middle East airport, the pilot  and co-pilot reviewed their flight plan for the trip back to the USS Enterprise. They were to pick up a Navy captain, and experience had taught the pilot that even seasoned vets turn white-knuckled during carrier landings.

 

Once the captain was strapped in, the pilot turned around to welcome him aboard. "Sir," he asked, "will this be your first carrier landing?"

 

Looking at the pilot with disdain, he opened his inflatable vest to display gold wings above five rows of ribbons. "Son," he said, "I have over 500 carrier landings in jet fighters."

 

"That's good to hear," the co-pilot said, winking at the pilot, "because this will be our first."

 

(11/05/2019)

The plane was only half-full. When an attractive young woman asked if the seat next to a guy was free, his male ego soared. Soon they were chatting pleasantly, and she told him it was her first flight.

 

"Mom said to sit next to someone I thought I could trust," she confessed nervously. "And you look just like my dad."

(11/01/2019)

This is supposedly a true story from a recent Defence Science Lectures Series, as related by the head of the Australian DSTO's Land Operations/Simulation division.

 

They had been working on some really nifty virtual reality simulators, the case in point being to incorporate Armed Reconnaissance Helicopters into exercises (from the data fusion point of view). Most of the people they employ on this sort of thing are ex- (or future) computer game programmers. Anyway, as part of the reality parameters, they included things like trees and animals. For the Australian simulation they included kangaroos. In particular, they had to model kangaroo movements and reactions to helicopters (since hordes of disturbed kangaroos might well give away a helicopter's position).

 

Being good programmers, they just stole some code (which was originally used to model infantry detachments reactions under the same stimuli), and changed the mapped icon, the speed parameters, etc. The first time they went to demonstrate this to some visiting Americans, the hotshot pilots decided to get "down and dirty" with the virtual kangaroos.

 

So, they buzzed them, and watched them scatter. The visiting Americans nodded appreciatively... then gaped wide-eyed as the kangaroos ducked around a hill, and launched about two dozen Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter.

 

Programmers looked rather embarrassed at forgetting to remove that part of the infantry coding... and the Americans left muttering comments about not wanting to mess with the Aussie wildlife!

 

As an addendum, simulator pilots from that point onward avoided kangaroos like the plague, just like they were meant to do in the first place.

(10/31/2019)

A busy mother sometimes accidentally left pots and pans on the stove with the burners on, so she resorted to posting this reminder on the kitchen door: "STOVE!"

 

Her daughter, back from college, noticed Mother's sign. Beneath it she taped her reply: "No -- Door! Trust me. I went to college."

(10/30/2019)

SOME LAWS OF LIFE (Part 2 of 2):

 * Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.

 * Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary: If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.

 * The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

 * Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle. Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.

 * Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

 * Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.

 * Loftus' Law: Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even which book it is.

 * Lovka's Dilemma: You never get away, you only get someplace else.

 * Mrs. Murphy's Corollary to Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist.

(10/29/2019)

SOME LAWS OF LIFE (Part 1 of 2):

 * Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

 * Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.

 * Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.

 * Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

 * The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

 * Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

 * First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you will want to be doing something else.

 * Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

(10/28/2019)

PROGRESSION OF DOG HOUSE RULES:

  1. Dogs are never permitted in the house.  The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog house.

  2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.

  3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.

  4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.

  5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the dog house in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever he pleases.

  6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.

  7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.

  8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole works and buy new furniture...  upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.

  9. The dog never sleeps on the bed.  Period.

  10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.

  11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under the covers.

  12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.

  13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores he's got to leave the room.

  14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I'm now sleeping.  That's just not fair.

  15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary resident," even if it's true.

(10/25/2019)

An Army National Guard helicopter pilot's youngest brother, Tony, had just completed Army basic training and was on leave prior to his first tour in Germany.

 

The pilot's other brother, John, is the crew chief. Since they were headed to the Air Base where Tony was to catch his overseas transport, they offered to take him in the helicopter.

 

When they landed at McGuire Air Force Base, several of Tony's fellow privates came out to greet him. Tony ran ahead, while the pilot and crew chief followed with his gear.

 

As Tony approached his buddies, he was bewildered by their dumbfounded stares. Then he realized that his friends weren't seeing his two brothers giving him a lift...

 

No... they were seeing a new private arrive in his *own* helicopter -- with a captain and sergeant carrying his bags!

(10/24/2019)

Reverend Smith, a respected church leader, arrived in a large city to deliver a series of speeches.

At a banquet the first evening, he noticed some reporters in the audience. Because he wanted to use some of the stories he told that night in his speeches the next day, he asked the reporters to omit them from their articles.

 

One article that came out the next day, written by a cub reporter, concluded with this line: "Reverend Smith also told a number of stories that cannot be printed."

(10/23/2019)

Joey walked into his dad's study while his dad was working on the computer.

 

"Dad," said Joey, "Remember when you told me you'd give me twenty dollars if I passed my math test?" Dad nodded.

 

"Well," said Joey, "The good news is that I just saved you twenty bucks."

(10/21/2019)

Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the midwest, a woman trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.

 

One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.

 

Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"

 

The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company...."

(10/20/2019)

Computer Acronyms:

ISDN - It Still Does Nothing

APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI - System Can't See It

DOS - Defective Operating System

BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM - I Blame Microsoft

CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW - World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

GIRO - Garbage In Rubbish Out

MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

(10/19/2019)

A very small town in South Carolina is such a small community, a reporter visiting there was surprised that they had a community paper. He asked one old-timer about it.

 

He replied, "We all know what everybody else is doing, but we like to read the paper anyway to see who's been caught at it."

 

(10/17/2019)

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

 

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

 

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

 

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

 

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

(10/16/2019)

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

 

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"

 

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

 

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. When he was almost there, he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

 

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

(10/09/2019)

Give a man a fish and he will eat all day.

 

Teach a man to fish and he will go out and buy expensive fishing equipment, stupid-looking clothes, a sports utility vehicle, travel 1000 miles to the "hottest" fishing spot and stand waist-deep in cold water so he can try to outsmart a fish.

 

Average cost per fish: $395.68

(10/08/2019)

At a training session in the fire station, the team was assembled around the kitchen table.

 

The training officer was discussing the behavior of fire: "You pull up to a house and notice puffs of smoke coming from the eaves, blackened out windows and little or no visible flame. What does this tell you?" he asked.

 

Expecting to hear that the house is in a possible back draft situation, a condition very dangerous to fire fighters, he instead heard from one quick wit:

 

"You got the right place."

(10/03/2019)

Little Johnny was one of those holy terrors.  His dad was surprised when Johnny's mom suggested that they buy him a bike for his birthday.

 

"Do you really believe that'll help improve his behavior ?" he said.

 

"Well, no," she admitted, "But it will spread it over a wider area."

spock.jpg

11/06/2019

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