Humor & Laughs
a time to weep and a time to laugh Ecclesiastes 3:4a (NIV)
When a local doctor began attending church services the minister was delighted, and it wasn't long before they were helping each other in their work, the minister referring people to the doctor, and vice versa.
One referral from the doctor called at the church office with a note prescribing the minister's last four sermons. The minister was very pleased until he discovered that the patient's problem was insomnia.
Two boys from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce the boys had to hide under their blankets to keep from being bitten.
Then one of them saw some lightning bugs, and said to his friend: "we might as well give up, now they're coming at us with flashlights!"
Bob, had heard a rumor that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays. So, on his 21st birthday, Bob his good friend Brian headed out to the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted.
When Bob and Brian arrived at the lake, they rented a boat and began paddling. When the got to the middle of the lake, Bob stepped off of the side of the boat... and nearly drowned. Furious and somewhat shamed, he and Brian headed for home.
When Bob arrived back at the family farm, he asked his grandmother for an explanation. Grandma, why can I not walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?"
The feeble old grandmother took Bob by the hands, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January... you were born in July, dear."
A new missionary recruit went to Colombia for the first time. He was struggling with the language and didn't understand a whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place. Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row.
So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too. When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down. When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord's Supper, he held the cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit didn't understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.
Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too. Then the preacher said some words that he didn't understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.
After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English: "I take it you don't speak Spanish."
The missionary recruit replied: "No I don't. It's that obvious?"
"Well yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta family had a new-born baby boy and would the proud father please stand up."
Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, were vacationing in Europe -- as it happens, in Transylvania. They were driving a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see ten feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road.
After a short while, he sees a light. He heads toward the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife, Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him."
Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor. I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab.
Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upsets Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. As the music fills the lab, his eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty Hill's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master,
"Master, Master! . . . The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
While driving with his granddaughter, a guy was getting annoyed with the driver ahead of him and he said, "Come on Sam, get moving."
The next week they were on the same road again with another slow driver ahead. Again the guy said, "Come on Sam, get moving."
His granddaughter quickly replied, "That's not Sam. Sam has a blue car."
Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch. The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life.
Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found. "He's perfect. He's handsome, he's sweet, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!"
"He said 'will you marry me'?" Marcy asked.
Heather replied, "No, he said 'put your money away'."
Little Susan was mother's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guest came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing.
"Susan," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith's place."
"I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susan. "Daddy says he always eats like a pig!"
Dangling Participle Alert!
~ The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.
~ The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.
~ Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.
~ Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.
~ The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.
~ We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.
~ Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants armed only with spears.
Bobby came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance. "Bobby," he called, "how many more times have I got to tell you to come downstairs quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come down like a civilized human being."
There was a silence, and Bobby reappeared in the front room. "That's better," said his father, "now in future will you always come down stairs like that."
"Suits me," said Bobby. "I slid down the railing."
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the driver. "Sir, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"
The guy replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Sir... that's your air freshener."
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over dinner, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"
The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."
"What was the result?"
"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in two's for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!"
"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry."
The start of the new school term always brings out the most interesting questions for computer consultants on campus. The predominant questions pertain to "getting into" E-mail and how to access the "Information Highway."
An obviously distraught student came into the consulting office complaining that his E-mail wasn't working; his attempts to get tickets for an on-campus concert kept resulting in returned mail.
He showed the consultant the email address he was attempting to reach. The counselor asked him where he obtained such an unusual email address.
He replied, "The sign told me, 'begins@7:30 P.M.'"
Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had only one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one.
"Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?"
The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one."
Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it."
"Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?"
The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back -- no problem."
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?"
"No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is florescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
The other guy replies, "I found it."
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything, including me."
An elderly went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "Seniors' Special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
"Sounds good," the wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" the wife asked incredulously. "Then I'll take the Special."
"How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell!" she replied. She took the two eggs home.
A father grew increasingly displeased as his teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.
"I have to ask you to move your car," the father told him.
"Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?"
"No," the Dad replied, "it's at the wrong address."
ACADEMIC PHRASES AND THEIR MEANINGS:
"It has long been known"... I didn't look up the original reference.
"A definite trend is evident"... These data are practically meaningless.
"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions"... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.
"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study"... The other results didn't make any sense.
"Typical results are shown"... This is the prettiest graph.
"These results will be in a subsequent report"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"In my experience"... once "In case after case"... twice "In a series of cases"... thrice "It is believed that"... I think.
"It is generally believed that"... A couple of others think so, too.
"Correct within an order of magnitude"... Wrong.
"According to statistical analysis"... Rumor has it.
"A statistically oriented projection of the significance of these findings"... A wild guess.
"A careful analysis of obtainable data"... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a cup of coffee.
"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs"... I don't understand it.
"After additional study by my colleagues"... They don't understand it either.
"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions"... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
"A highly significant area for exploratory study"... A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field"... I quit.
Never having learned to ride a bicycle as a child, a woman finally decided to do learn how in her late twenties. Her boyfriend, William, offered to teach her, and they headed to the park for the first lesson.
He held on to the seat as she wobbled down a path. Her self-consciousness was just beginning to disappear when she saw a father, teaching his little daughter to ride a bike, approaching.
As they passed, she was mortified when William said to the dad, "They grow up so fast, don't they?"
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 PM for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $3.50. Then my wife's father died and left us ten million dollars."
Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. "When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.
"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.
"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.
"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.
"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.
"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.
"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.
"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.
"Pew," Charlie retorted.
"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
Father O'Shea, the parish priest in the village, was giving a sermon about charity. He said, "The trouble with the world today is that some people have too much and others have too little. We must give of ourselves and our worldly goods to help the less fortunate."
He said to Harrigan, "If you had a million dollars, wouldn't you give half of it to the poor?"
He said, "I would that, Father."
The priest said, "If you had two greyhounds, wouldn't you give one of them to your neighbor next door?"
Harrigan said, "No."
The priest said, "And why not?"
He said, "I have two greyhounds."
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.
He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!"
A man goes into his local building supply store and orders 10,000 bricks.
"May I ask what you're building?" asks the man behind the counter.
"It's going to be a backyard barbecue."
"Wow, that's a lot of bricks for one barbecue!"
"Not really; I live on the 12th floor."
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday.
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied, "But where in the world was I going to find a fake Jeep!!"
A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the number and then sang "Happy Birthday" to him.
But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.
"Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused voice. "You folks need all the practice you can get."
A couple of guys in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One guy walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"Alright. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so mad that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and get rid the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
The bird said, "You know you are."
A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist. His office is just down the hall."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"
Man: "The light was on..."
Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps very difficult. They attach small lights called chemlites to make their jumpsuits visible to the rest of the team.
Late one night, lost after a practice jump, they knocked at the door of a small cottage. When a woman answered, she was greeted by the sight of five men festooned in glowing chemlites.
"Excuse me," one of them said, "Can you tell us where we are?"
In a thick English accent, the woman paused before answering and then replied, "Earth."
A new widow requested the epitaph "Rest in Peace" for her husband's tombstone. When she later found he had left his fortune to his mistress, she attempted to get the engraver to change the carving.
This was impossible; the words were chiseled and could not be changed.
"In that case," she said, "please add 'Till We Meet Again.'
A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you".
The vicar accepted the offer and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.
Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, vicar," said the man, "No expense was spared." And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in. But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew and it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar.
"You just wait until Sunday." said the rich man.
When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reach the front of the church it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back.
"Wonderful!" said the vicar, "Marvellous!"
The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text and, when 12 o'clock came, he was still going strong with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open.
"Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Marvellous!"
Proud and pleased as she could be, the new, young bride, Mrs. Stanford Strothers, strode briskly up to the teller's cage at the bank to cash her husband's pay check for the first time.
When the teller told her the check would have to be endorsed, the bride grabbed the pen and unhesitatingly wrote on the back, "I heartily recommend my husband, Stanford Strothers."
A young minister and an elderly parishioner, were playing golf. The minister's game was off and the old man was beating him quite badly.
At the end of the game, the old man tried to console his minister by saying, "don't worry, Reverend. One of these days you'll be burying me."
"Yes," sighed the minister, "but even then, it will be your hole!"
While discussing the plight of Driver's license examiners, a former motor-vehicle-bureau director told about a woman who was parallel parking.
The examiner asked her, "Could you get a little closer?"
Instead of moving the car, she slid over next to him.
The computer's swallowed grandma
Yes' honestly' its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
Its devoured her completely
The thought just makes me squirm.
Maybe she's caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind.
I've even used the Internet
But nothing did I find.
In desperation I asked a friend
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative
Not a thing was found 'online'.
So, if inside your 'In Box'
My Grandma you should see.
Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and 'Paste' her
In an e-mail back to me.
A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"
"Really!?" he said. "Have you tried mouthwash?"
The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?”
The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
A sign posted on the wall of an Army mess read, "Don't Waste Food -- Food will win the war."
Beneath someone had written, "That's fine, but how do we get the enemy to eat it?"
As the coals from a barbecue party burned down, the hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks.
Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.
All twelve of the party raced out of the back yard, down the street, where they found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly.
They glared at the party with looks of disgust. Suddenly, they realized why.........they were all still holding their roasting forks with marshmallows on them.
Some midshipmen were tasked at the maritime museum to do the "dirty work" of restoring a 60-year-old destroyer. One day the Navy sent a crew of 20 men, while the Marines sent a crew of three.
The curator teased one of the Navy midshipman, saying, "You mean it takes twenty Navy guys to do the work of only three Marines?"
"Sir, no sir," he snapped back. "The truth is, sir, it takes six or seven of us to supervise each one of those Marines!"
An elderly couple are attending a church service. About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.
It says, "I just silently passed gas, what do you think I should do?"
He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
When the company a guy worked for had an employee-suggestion competition, he told his staff to submit entries that would save money for the firm.
The winner was a man in the department who suggested they post corporate memos on bulletin boards instead of printing 200 individual copies for distribution. He got a helium balloon with the company logo and one share of stock.
A memo announcing the prize went out to 200 people.
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me any more?"
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."
The flight attendant watched a passenger try to stuff his hopelessly overloaded bags into the overhead bin. Finally she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage.
"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I never have this problem!"
She smiled and said, "Sir, when you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."