Humor & Laughs
a time to weep and a time to laugh Ecclesiastes 3:4a (NIV)
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approaches the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor, and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out." He passes the minister a $100 bill and walks away satisfied. \
On the day of the wedding, when it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulps, looks around, and says in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leans toward the pastor and hisses, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor puts a $100 bill in the groom's hand and whispers, "She made me a better offer."
A husband asks his wife, "Will you marry after I die?"
The wife responds, "No, I will live with my sister." The wife asks him back, "Will you marry after I die?"
The husband responds, "No, I will live with your sister."
A man and a woman are asleep when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!"
The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman, "Wait, I'm your husband!"
She replies giving him a dirty look, "So why did you run?"
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked puzzled.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
A married couple are out one night at a dance club. A guy on the dance floor is giving it large: break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
The husband says, "Looks like he’s still celebrating!"
A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk in, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.
The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything.
Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can't feel anything.
The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.
Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
Airline employee: "An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!"
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
The hospital's consulting dietician was giving a lecture to several community nurses.
"The rubbish we put into our stomachs and consume should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is terrible. Fizzy drinks attack your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous because of fertilizers and pesticides and none of us realizes the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking water. However, there is one food that is incredibly dangerous and we all have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives. Now, is anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 65-year-old nurse sitting in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
A fruit farmer hired two new workers for his fields, but before he sent them out for the day's work, he told them he had just one rule: don't steal any fruit. The two agreed to obey the rule.
After the day was over, the two workers came in to report to the farmer. He asked them if they had stolen any fruit, and immediately their conscience forced them to tell the truth.
"Yes, we did. We ate some when we got hungry," they said.
The farmer replied, "Ok, here is your punishment. I want each of you to go pick ten of your favorite fruit and come back to me." The men couldn't believe their ears. This seemed more like a reward than a punishment!
After fifteen minutes, the first thief came back with ten cherries. The farmer promptly told him that as part of his punishment, he would have to stuff each cherry up his nose. The thief was upset about this, but he knew he had done wrong, so he slowly began to push the cherries up his nose one by one.
As he was working on the third cherry, he began to laugh hysterically. The farmer asked him, "What's so funny?"
The thief replied, "The other guy is out there picking watermelons!"
A Jewish woman wants to take her dog to Israel, so she goes to the travel agent to find out how. He says, "It's easy. You go to the airline, they give you a kennel, you put your dog in it, when you get off at Tel Aviv go to the luggage rack, and there's your dog.
So she does, gets off at Tel Aviv, goes to the luggage rack, no dog. She goes to the lost and found, says, "Where's my dog?" They look all over the airport for it, and find the dog in another terminal. Only the dog is dead.
"Oh, my Gosh, they say, we killed this woman's dog. What are we going to do?"
Then one says, "Wait a minute, it's a cockerspaniel. They're common dogs.
There's a pet shop across the street from the airport. We'll get the same size, shape, color, sex. She'll never know the difference."
They bring the woman the other dog and she says, "That's not my dog." Laughingly and making light of it they say, "What do you mean that's not your dog?"
And she says, "My dog's dead. I was taking it to Israel to bury it."
One day at a meat shop a dog walks in and the butcher shoos him away. About 5 minutes later he comes back with $10 and a note saying “2lbs of steak” surprised the butcher reluctantly takes the money and hands him a bag with the meat.
As the dog left, the butcher closed down the shop and decided to follow it. The dog gets to the bus stop and waits. A few buses pass and the dog ignores them still not eating the meat. Finally bus 923 arrives and the dog pulls a ticket out of its collar, gives it to the driver and hops on.
The dog does this for three more buses and the man follows him every time. The dog got off of the last bus and began to walk still not have eaten the meat. Finally the dog walks up to a house and sets the meat down.
The dog backs up and charges and slams into the door. He does this two times. Finally a man opens the door and starts yelling at the dog calling him stupid and retarded.
The butcher finds this horrible so he talks to the man and says “STUPID?! This dog went to my shop, paid for meat and took it on a series of buses finding his way back home perfectly. HOW IS HE STUPID??!”
The man then replied saying “Yes, that’s all great but he forgot the key the third time this week!”
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?
'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'
The third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, 'Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.'
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, 'No he didn't. He just walked in the door.'
The bidding was proceeding furiously and strong when the Head Auctioneer suddenly announced, 'A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing ten thousand dollars. If returned, he will pay a reward of two thousand dollars.'
There was a moment's silence in the auction house and from the back of the room came a shout, 'Two thousand five hundred.'
A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter's plane to land. The daughter had just come back from abroad trying to find adventure during her gap year.
As the daughter was exiting the plane, her mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head.
The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.
Mom gasped out loud in disbelief and disappointment and screamed, 'I said for you to marry a rich Doctor .... a rich Doctor!'
Rupert and Elaine, a young couple, got married and went happily on their honeymoon.
When they got back, Elaine immediately 'phoned her mother and her mother obviously asked, 'How was the honeymoon, dearest?'
'Oh, Mom,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic...' Then Elaine burst out crying. 'But, Mom, as soon as we returned home Rupert started using the most ghastly language... saying things I've never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mom.'
'Calm down, Elaine!,' said her mother, 'Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?'
Still sobbing, Elaine whispered, 'Oh, Mom...words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.'
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day. 'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'
A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'
A man dies and meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. Peter says to the man, "Here's how it works. You need to have one hundred points to get into heaven. You tell me about all the good things you've done. They are all worth a certain number of points. If your total is one hundred or more, you can come in."
"Well," says the man. "I was happily married to the same woman for 52 years. I never looked at another woman. I was attentive and loved her dearly."
"That's great," says St. Peter. "That'll be two points."
"Hmmm," says the man. "This is going to be harder than I thought. Well, I attended church regularly, volunteered my time and tithed faithfully."
"Wonderful," says St. Peter, "That's worth another point."
"One point!" says the man. "Okay, okay. I was involved with a prison ministry for twenty-five years. I went into the prison, at least monthly, and shared Jesus with them."
"Wow!" says St. Peter. "That's another two points!"
"Only two points!" says the man. "At this rate, it'll be only by the grace of God that'll I'll ever get into this place."
"Bingo!" says St. Peter. "That's one hundred points! Come on in."
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!”
There were 3 men in the desert. They all wanted something to cool them down.
One brought a pail of water.
The second brought an umbrella.
The third took out a car door.
The other two said,"Why do you have a car door?"
The guy said, "So we can roll down the window when we get hot!"
Jim, Scott and Alex are tired after traveling all day and check into a hotel. When they get to reception, they find out they'll have to walk 75 flights of stairs to get to their room because the elevator is out of order.
Jim suggests that they do something interesting to pass the time while they walk the 75 flights. Jim will tell jokes, Scott will sing songs, and Alex will tell sad stories.
So Jim tells jokes for 25 flights, Scott sings songs for 25 flights and Alex tells sad stories for 24 flights.
When they reach the 75th floor, Alex tells his saddest story of all, "Guys, I left our room key at reception."
There are three friends named Mad, Brain, and Fight. One day Fight went missing and his friends Mad and Brain started searching for him.
Then Brain said, "Mad, let's file a missing person report with the police."
When they were about to walk into the police station, Brain said, "Mad, you go and make the report. I will wait for you here."
Mad said, "Okay."
Mad walked in but no police officers paid attention to him. Then he saw a policeman drinking a cup of coffee. Mad went to the officer, smacked the table, and the cup of coffee flew in the air, landing in the officer's lap. Angry, the policeman asked, "Are you looking for a fight?"
Mad replied, "Yes, I am."
The policeman asked, "Are you mad?"
Mad replied, "Yes, I am Mad."
The policeman then asked, "Don't you have a brain?"
Mad replied, "Brain is outside."
Late one night, a preacher was driving on a country road and had a wreck. A farmer stopped and said, "Sir, are you okay?"
The preacher said, "Yes, I had the Lord riding with me."
The farmer said, "Well, you better let him ride with me, because you're gonna kill him."
A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book titled "The Meaning of Dreams."
A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!"
The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'"
The robber says, "Please don't change the subject!"
Two guys are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle."
At the Sydney airport, they catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads."
"Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men.
"And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Years? Months? Weeks? What?!"
At the doctor's office, Tom was getting a check up.
"I have good news and bad news," says the doctor. "The good news is you have 24 hours left to live."
Tom replies, "That's the good news?!"
Then the doctor says, "The bad news is I should have told you that yesterday."
Well, Your Honor, I really didn't mean to get into a fight with the driver of the car I ran into the other day. I was rear-ended, which caused me to rear-end the car in front of me.
The driver, whom you can see is a dwarf, approached aggressively after the accident yelling, "I am NOT happy."
I decided that I would try to lighten things up and answered, "OK, I can see that, but then which one are you?"
That's when the fight started.
You've heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"
"That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies.
After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?"
"Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."
A new teacher thought she would use what she learned in her psychology courses. She said to her class, "Everyone who thinks they are stupid, please stand up."
After a few seconds, one boy stood. "Do you think you're stupid?" she asked.
"No, ma'am, but I just didn't want you to have to stand there all by yourself."
"Oh, boy! I'm glad you're here," the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother's side.
"Why?" she asked.
"Because now Daddy will do the trick he's been promising us."
"Well, he told Mommy that if you came to visit, he would climb the walls."
A farmer named Frank Kellogg raises sheep, and he has this surly, unpredictable ram which boldly tries to escape the pasture at any opportunity. He also has quite a temper (the ram, not Frank).
A bunch of ravens had their nests nearby -- about twenty ravens in all. Ten ravens make up a swoop, just like more than four sheep are a flock, etc. Anyways, these ravens loved to harass the ram. They'd fly down into the field and caw at him until he charged at them. Then they'd all fly upward, and the ram would crash into the fence.
One time though, one of the ravens didn't get out of the way in time, and he was crushed against the fence post. The others decided to get revenge.
When Farmer Kellogg came out to check on his sheep one day, he forgot to lock the gate properly. The ravens, working together, pushed it open, and lured the ram out into the hay field. They flew towards the bailing machine, the ram bleating furiously all the way.
At the last moment, the ravens pulled up -- and the ram ran straight into the bailer. He came out the other side in a mangled package. Twenty big black birds came to perch upon him, satisfied, leaving the farmer with two swoops of ravens on a package of Kellogg's brazen ram.
The baby was coming way too fast so the paramedics were called. To make it worse, when they arrived, there was a power outage. The paramedics asked the four year old sister to hold the flashlight for them.
Despite the difficulties, all went well and the mother delivered a baby boy. The paramedic smacked him on the behind and he began to cry.
Looking over at the wide eyed little girl, the paramedic asked her what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
She said, "That naughty boy should have never crawled in there. Spank him again!"
One warm summer evening a mother was driving with her three young children. A woman in the convertible in front of them stood up and waved. She had no clothes on.
As the mother was reeling from shock, the five year old said, "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
Two elderly ladies had been friends since their 30s. Now in their 80s, they still get together a couple of times a week to play cards. One day they were playing gin rummy and one of them said, "You know, we’ve been friends for many years and, please don't get mad, but for the life of me, I can't remember your name. Please tell me what it is."
Her friend glared at her. She continued to glare and stare at her for at least three minutes. Finally, she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?"
The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born."
The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?"
The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born."
The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?"
The momma cow replies" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head."
The final baby walks over and says, "Duh huh guh nuh!"
The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock."
A 92 year old man is walking through a park and sees a talking frog.
He picks up the frog and the frogs says, “If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and be yours for a week.”
The old man puts the frog in his pocket. The frog screams, “Hey if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and make love to you for a whole month.”
The old man looks at the frog and says, “At my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
A chicken walks into a library, goes up to a librarian and says, "Book book book." The librarian decides that the chicken wants a book so he gives the chicken a book and the chicken walks away.
About ten minutes later the chicken comes back with the book, looking a bit agitated, saying, "Book book book." The librarian decides the chicken wants another book so he takes the old book back and gives the chicken another book. The chicken walks out the door.
Ten minutes later the chicken comes back again, very agitated, saying, "Book book book!" so quickly it almost sounds like one word. The chicken puts the book on the librarians desk and looks up - waiting for another book. This time the librarian gives the chicken another book and decides that something weird is happening.
She follows the chicken out the door and into the park, all the way to the pond. In the pond is a frog sitting on a lily pad. The chicken gives the book to the frog, who then says, "Reddit, reddit."
One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it.
Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happened to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. In court, he pleads innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor.
In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it, but what did it taste like?"
The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"
Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude salesmen were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of the men said: "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."
The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
Golfer: "I'd move heaven & earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven; you've already moved most of the earth."
A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"
"Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"