Humor & Laughs
a time to weep and a time to laugh Ecclesiastes 3:4a (NIV)
The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased with his meal that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.
"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."
"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported!"
A lady was visiting a church one Sunday and the sermon seemed to go on forever. Many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
And the gentleman replied, " You're not the only one ma'am, I'm glad it's done too!!!"
Jimmy was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the Pledge of Allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..."
When the teacher's eyes fell on Jimmy, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his behind.
"James, I will not continue till you put your hand over your heart."
Jimmy replied, "It is over my heart."
After several attempts to get Jimmy to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"
"Because, every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."
Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.
She returned to Kuwait after the war and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
Ms Walters approached one of the women for an explanation. “This is marvelous,” she said. “What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?”
The Kuwaiti woman replied, “Land mines.”.
Over breakfast, a woman said to her husband, “I’ll bet you don’t know what day this is.”
“Of course I do,” he answered, as if offended, and left for the office.
At 10:00 a.m., a dozen red roses arrived at the house. At 1:00 p.m., a two-pound box of chocolates was delivered. The designer dress arrived at 3:00.
When her husband came home, the woman ran to meet him and threw her arms around his neck, “I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!”.
Jennifer watched as the cashier rang up her purchases.
“Cash, check or charge?” the cashier asked after folding the items Jennifer had bought. As she fumbled for her wallet The cashier noticed a television remote control in her purse.
“Do you always carry your TV remote?” the cashier asked.
“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping for clothes with me, and I figured this was the best retaliation.”.
Marvin was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common sense.
He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. “I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”
His wife replies, “Why thank you, dear!”.
Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on the man’s shins.
He asked, “Do you play hockey, rugby, or any physical sport?”
“No. I just play bridge with my wife.”
A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read “Unique Breakfast” so he walked in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.
“What’s your ‘Unique Breakfast?'” he asked.
“Baked tongue of chicken,” she replied.
“Baked tongue of chicken?… Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken’s mouth!” he fumed.
Undaunted, the waitress asked, “What would you like then?”
“Just bring me scrambled eggs,” the man replied.
A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines.
“Don’t know,” the woman said.
He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rear view mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U-turn and drove up to them.
“This is my husband,” the old woman said. “He doesn’t know how to get to Des Moines either.”.
A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago, biting his fingernails and sweating profusely. Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says, “Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?”
The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly. Seconds later she comes back with a drink. He downs it quickly and seems to calm down.
Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees him shaking and biting his nails again. She brings him another drink which he downs immediately. A half hour later she returns to see him shaking uncontrollably, and almost in tears.
“My goodness,” the flight attendant says, “I’ve never seen someone so afraid to fly.”
“I’m not afraid of flying,” says the man.
“Then what’s the matter?
“I’m trying to give up drinking.”.
Bob had been shopping downtown all day with his wife and four little children. They were all so tired, he decided to take a taxicab home.
Approaching a cab driver, he demanded, “How much will you charge to drive us to the Bronx?”
“I figure $5 apiece for you and your wife,” said the driver. “I’ll take the four kids along for nothing.”
Bob turned to his children and said, “Jump in kids, and have a nice ride home. Momma and I will take the subway.”
During a Law course class, the 'Audi Alteram Partem' rule was explained. Translated it means "To hear the other party."
After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule.
Responded one woman, "My husband."