Humor & Laughs
a time to weep and a time to laugh Ecclesiastes 3:4a (NIV)
First image from the Webb space telescope.
12/29/2021 (click to enlarge)
10/02/2021 (click to enlarge)
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
And not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him.
After starting a new diet I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favorite bakery. I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and as I approached, there in the window were a host of chocolates, donuts, and cheesecakes.
I felt this was no accident, so I prayed … “Lord, it’s up to You. If You want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery.”
And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was! God is so good!
Two American Jewish men send their sons to Jerusalem to learn about their culture.
A year later the two are having a chat:
"I am so disappointed in my son, I don't know what to do... Once he returned, he claimed to have become Christian!"
"My son as well, this is a tragedy."
"We should go see our Rabbi, maybe he can guide us."
The two then visit the Rabbi and tell him their stories, to which he replies:
"Unfortunately, I'm in the same boat as you two. I sent my son to Jerusalem a few years ago and he also became Christian. Only God can help us now, we should pray to him!!!"
So they start praying: "Please help us God, we sent our sons to Jerusalem so they could learn about our culture, but instead they returned as Christians!!!"
God thinks for a while and says: "You guys won't believe this, but 2000 years ago I too sent my Son to Jerusalem..."
At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshipers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister. As one of them left, he shook the minister's hand, thanked him for the sermon and said, "Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, you must be smarter than Einstein." Beaming with pride, the minister said, "Why, thank you, brother!"
As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man's compliment. The more he thought, the more he became baffled as to why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So he decided to ask the man the following Sunday.
The next Sunday he asked the parishioner if he remembered the previous Sunday's comment about the sermon. The parishioner replied that he did. The minister asked: "Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?"
The man replied, "Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Reverend, no one can understand you."
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420-YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
"Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."
George Bush was traveling through an airport just recently when he saw a man that looked just like Moses. He had long, white hair, had a shepherd’s staff, he was wearing a cloak and holding onto two stone tablets.
George goes up to him and says, “Pardon me, but are you Moses?” The man doesn’t even acknowledge him. He doesn’t look and him or say anything.
Again, George says, “Excuse me – you look just like Moses – are you?” The man still does not respond in any way. By now, George is starting to get irritated… he’s not getting any answers!
About this time a secret service agent approaches and asks if there is a problem. George tells him – “I’ve asked this guy if he is Moses two times and he hasn’t even responded to me!” The secret service agent looks at Moses and asks “So, are you Moses? Why won’t you talk to us?”
Moses finally looks at the secret service guy and says “The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years wandering in the desert.”
When the family returned from Sunday morning service, the Dad criticized the sermon, the daughter thought the choir's singing was atrocious, and Mom found fault with the organist's playing.
The small boy of the family piped up, "But it was a good show for a quarter, don't you think, Dad?"
In Washington D.C., helicopters are often used to monitor the traffic conditions.
Frequently jammed is the Francis Scott Key bridge, named after the man who wrote the national anthem.
The bridge's traffic problem is notorious; among some, it's known as the Car Strangled Spanner.
A nun who works for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a station just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men walked by. One of them turned to the other and said: “Now that is what I call faith!”
A Texan walked into the offices of the president of a small Texas college and said, "I would like to donate a million dollars tax free to this institution."
The president's eyes opened wide and he said, "That is a kindly notion, sir. We will be pleased to accept it."
"There's a condition. I would like to have an honorary degree."
"No problem," said the president. "That can be arranged."
"For my horse," said the Texan.
And now the president got to his feet in shock. "For your HORSE?"
"Yes, my mare, Betsy. She's carried me for many years and I owe her a lot. I would like to have her receive a Tr.D., a Doctor of Transportation."
"But we can't give an honorary degree to a horse."
"I'm sorry to hear you say so, because in that case I can't give you a million dollars."
"Well, wait a minute," said the president, sweating profusely. "Let me consult the board of trustees."
The board was convened in a hurry and listened to the story in various degrees of shock and disbelief, all except the oldest trustee, whose eyes were closed and who seemed asleep.
One trustee expressed the general opinion, "We can't give a horse an honorary degree, no matter how much money is involved."
At this point, the oldest trustee opened his eyes and said, "Just take the money and give the horse his degree."
Said the president, "Don't you think that would be a disgrace to us?"
"Of course not," said the oldest trustee. "It would be an honor. It would be the first time we ever gave a degree to an ENTIRE horse."
A little boy walked down the beach, and as he did, he spied a matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand. He walked up to her and asked, "Are you a Christian?"
"Do you read your Bible every day?"
She nodded her head, "Yes."
"Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she answered, "Yes." With that he asked his final question. "Will you hold my quarter while I go swimming?"
After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said:
"Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning? I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their t-shirt messages and dress habits. You want me to wage a war on drugs, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self-esteem?"
"You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job? I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and oh, make sure that I give the girls in my class 50% of my attention?"
"My contract requires me to work on my own time after school, evenings and weekends grading papers. Also, I must spend my summer vacation at my own expense working toward advance certification and a Masters Degree? And on my own time, you want me to attend committee and faculty meetings, PTA meetings, and participate in staff development training?"
"I am to be a paragon of virtue, larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. You want me to incorporate technology into the learning experience, monitor web sites, and relate personally with each student? That includes deciding who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit a crime in school. I am to make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments. Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap?"
"And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card. All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!"
"You want me to do all of this and yet you expect me . . . NOT TO PRAY?!?!?
At the end of the age when all the believers were standing in line waiting to get into heaven, the angel Gabriel appeared and said, “I want all the men to form two lines. One line will be for the men who were the true heads of their households. The other will be for the men who were dominated by their wives.”
Gabriel continued, “And now we need all of the women to report to Mary and Martha on the other side of the gate.”
The women left while the men hurriedly formed two lines. The line of men who were dominated by their wives was seemingly unending. The line of men who were the true head of their household had just one man standing in it.
Gabriel said to the first line, “You men ought to be ashamed of yourselves. You were appointed to be the heads of your households and you have not fulfilled your purpose. Of all of you, there is only one man who obeyed.”
Then Gabriel turned to the lone man and asked, “How did you come to be in this line?”
The man sheepishly replied, “My wife told me to stand here.”
A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have died and are in line together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter speaks with them and asks them what good they have done in their lives.
The doctor says, "I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for and healing thousands of people." St. Peter replies, "That's great. Go ahead into heaven."
"And what about you?" The nurse states, "I have supported the doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult, have taken time to explain things to patients, and have helped them lead healthy lives." St. Peter says, "Wonderful. Please proceed in with the doctor."
"And what about you?" The HMO executive says, "I was the president of a very large Health Maintenance Organization. I was responsible for the health care of millions of people all over the country." St. Peter says, "Oh, I see. Please go on in ... but you can only stay two nights!"
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
"Whenever I watch TV and watch those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president!" --Hilary Clinton, First Lady, commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." --Former French President Charles De Gaulle
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: how much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca
"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theismann, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC instructor
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, Vice President
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." --David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery, former Australian cabinet member
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on Christmas day their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse hay.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
"Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the piles of hay. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"
A Baptist preacher went to see a member of the community and invited him to come to Church on Sunday morning. The man was a producer of fine peach brandy and told the preacher he would love to attend his Church IF the Pastor would drink some of his brandy and then admit doing so in front of the congregation. The preacher agreed and drank up.
Sunday morning came and the man came to Church. The preacher recognized him from the pulpit and said: "I see Mr. Johnson is here with us this morning. I want to thank him publicly for his hospitality this week and especially for the peaches he gave me and the spirit in which they were given."
Some years ago a New Orleans lawyer sought a direct Veterans Administration loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be approved if he could provide proof of clear title to the property offered as collateral. The title for the property in question was complicated, and he spent a considerable amount of time reviewing all pertinent documents back to 1803. Satisfied with the depth and expanse of his examination, he submitted the information to the V.A. He soon received this reply from the V.A.:
"We received your letter today enclosing application for a loan for your client, supported by abstract of title. The application forms are complete, but you have not cleared the title before the year 1803. Therefore, before full review and possible approval can be accorded the application, it will be necessary that the title be cleared back before that year."
Annoyed, the lawyer wrote the V.A.:
"Your letter regarding titles in case #9378329 received. I note that you wish titles extended further back than I have presented. Your attention is invited to the following information to update your records for the property prior to 1803:
a) I was unaware that any educated person would not know that the United States gained clear title to Louisiana from France in 1803. This title transfer was a result of a real estate transaction known as The Louisiana Purchase.
b) France gained clear title to Louisiana by right of conquest from Spain under the Treaty of San Ildefonso (1800).
c) The land came into the possession of Spain by right of discovery in 1492 by a sailor named Christopher Columbus. He was acting on behalf of Isabella, Queen of Spain, and had her permission to claim newly discovered lands for Spain.
d) The good Queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles -- almost as careful as the V.A. -- took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before authorizing the voyage.
e) The Pope is a servant of God; God created the world.
f) Therefore, I believe that it is safe to presume that God created title to that part of the world called Louisiana and thus was the original holder of the property in question."
A bright 8-year-old child was being tested by the Speech Teacher and was given analogies and asked to describe the following differences:
Speech Teacher: "What's the difference between an oak tree and a Christmas tree?"
Child: "One has leaves and the other has needles."
Teacher: "Very good! What's the difference between a saucer and a plate?"
Child: "One files and the other doesn't."
I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. The Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here, he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life. Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.
P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh, I do it all the time." No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"
A Sunday School teacher asked her class, "Does anyone here know what we mean by sins of omission?"
A little girl replied: "Aren't those the sins we should have committed, but didn't?"
The following short quiz consists of four questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "professional." According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers!
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the door.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.
OK, even if you didn't answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
One day a space shuttle crashed to the ground in the yard of a preschool. When he finally struggled out of the wreckage, the astronaut shouted, "I'm free! I'm free!!!"
At this point, one of the little children standing there shouted back, "Big deal, I'm four!"
Billy's homework assignment was to think of a true story with a moral so he goes home and thinks about it all night. He finally has one!
The following day, Suzy raises her hand first and says, "My Dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs into a basket and onto the truck. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all of the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road". The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Suzy replies, "Don't put all of your eggs in one basket".
Next is Lucy. "Well, my Dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend, only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral of my story is, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch".
Billy is the last to speak. He says, "My Uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane got shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a parachute, a machine gun, a machete and a bottle of bourbon. As he floated down, he drank the bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed smack dab in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 of them with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets. So he pulled he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. But the blade broke, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there could possibly be a moral to his story.
Billy replies - - - "Don't mess with my Uncle Ted when he's been drinking".
Cop: You know how fast you were going?
Guy: Sorry officer, I was just trying to catch up with traffic.
Cop: What traffic? The road is empty.
Guy: Yea, that's how far behind I am.
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
His mother was now living in Miami Beach, and the young man didn't see her that often. His father was no longer around and he was worried that Mom was lonely. For her birthday, he purchased a rare parrot, trained to speak seven languages. He had a courier deliver the bird to his dear mother.
A few days later, he called. "Ma, what do you think of the bird?"
"The bird was good, but a little tough. I should have cooked it longer."
"You ate the bird?!? Ma, the bird was very expensive. It spoke seven languages!"
"Oh, excuse me. But, if the bird was so smart, why didn't it say something when I put it in the oven?"
Military leaders succeed in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. They are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.
The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?
Instantly the computer responds: YES, SIR.
A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order: "I want three flat tires and a pair of headlights."
The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen and asks the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires and a pair of headlights. What does he think, this is an auto parts store?!"
"No," the cook says. "Three flat tires means three pancakes and a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up."
"Oh," says the waitress. She thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.
The guy says, "What are the beans for?"
The waitress replies, "I thought that, while you're waiting for the flat tires and headlights, you might want to gas up."
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."
Little Johnny's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?"
"Yes," the mother replied, "We are so thankful; the doctor said he will have perfect vision."
"That's great," said Little Johnny, "Coz he'd be in trouble if he needed glasses."
The morning of the big parade, a man and a little boy entered a barber shop together. "Give me the full treatment," the man said. "I want to look good in the parade!"
After the man received a shave, manicure, and haircut, he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going to buy a new tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was done and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "It looks like your daddy forgot all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, "Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!"
A husband went to buy a birthday gift for his wife. Some friends had been invited over that night to celebrate her fortieth, and he wanted to get something special. At the store he spotted some cute little music boxes. One blue one was playing "Happy Birthday." Thinking they were all the same, he chose a red one and had it gift-wrapped.
Later, at dinner, he gave it to his wife and asked her to open it. When she lifted the lid, out came the tune to "The Old Gray Mare, She Ain't What She Used to Be!"
A Catholic missionary is baptizing people in a river near an African village. He pushes Mutombo under water and raises him again. Then he tells him: "You are now a Christian, and so you are no longer called Mutombo, you are now Joseph. Oh and one more thing. Since you are Christian, you are no longer allowed to eat meat on Fridays. "
The next Friday, the Priest is walking through the village and sees Joseph sitting in front of his hut, chomping on a big piece of mutton.
He confronts him: "Joseph, what have I told you about eating meat on a Friday? And now I see you eating mutton?!"
Joseph replies: "But this is not mutton. I went to the river dipped it in the water and said: you are no longer mutton, you are now fish. "
A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, "I need a job and I think I'm pretty good."
The owner replied, "Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there." The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and said he was finished.
The owner was shocked and asked, "How did you chop that tree down so fast?"
The man said, "I got a lot of practice in the Sahara."
The owner replied, "You mean the Sahara desert?"
"Yes" he said, "or at least that's what they call it now."
The top ten dinner meals when Mom is away and Dad is cooking:
10. Hot dogs with just a hint of Tabasco.
9. "Kids eat free" night at the steak house.
7. Broiled bologna benedict on rye.
6. Back-of-the-fridge goulash (with lots of pepper).
5. Chips and salsa.
4. Cocoa Puff surprise.
3. Something old, something blue, something frozen, call it stew.
2. Cold pizza.
1. Whatever's cooking at Grandma's.0
A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explained, "my wife's expecting."
"Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck."
The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: "My wife's expecting."
The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the weekend off.
"When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. "Don't tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed.
"Yes sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She's still expecting."
"What on earth is she expecting?" cried the Officer.
"Me," said the soldier simply.
An older couple is having dinner in a restaurant. The wife sees another couple about their age sitting in a booth nearby. She sees the husband sitting close to his wife, with his arm around her. He is whispering things in her ear, and she is smiling and blushing. He's gently rubbing her shoulder and touching her hair.
The woman turns to her husband and says, "Look at the couple over there. Look how close that man is to his wife, how he's talking to her. Look at how sweet he is. Why don't you ever do that?"
Her husband looks up from his Caesar salad and glances over at the next booth. Then he turns to his wife and says, "Honey, I don't even know that woman."
A Christian newlywed couple buy their wedding cake. They ask the baker to print the Bible verse 1 John 4:18, which says the following: "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear..."
However, the baker accidentally ends up printing John 4:18 instead, which reads: "For you have had five husbands, and the one you now have is not your husband."
A fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. ,At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot.
When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity.
They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.
Well, they said, "let's try this out."
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounce the command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, me dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?”
Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there' another church of a different denomination down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature."
“Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?”
Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why did ya’ not tell me the dog was Catholic?"
"Mom," said little boy, "why does the minister get a month's vacation in the summer when Daddy only gets two weeks?"
"Well, son," answered his mother, "if he's a good minister, he needs it. If he isn't, the congregation needs it."
A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some money, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.
"Sweetheart, work with me on this," He says. "Buy a ticket."
“I hate to have to tell you this”, said the Doctor in a sad compassionate voice, “but you have unfortunately been diagnosed with a highly contagious disease. We will have to quarantine you and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.”
“That’s terrible!” Said the distraught young man, quickly sitting down before he could faint. “I don’t know if I could handle being in quarantine…and the cheese and bologna diet… What’s with the cheese and bologna diet anyway? I’ve never of such a diet before?!”
“It’s not exactly a diet”, responded the Doctor matter of factly, “it’s just the only food that will fit under the door!”
YOU MIGHT BE IN A COUNTRY CHURCH IF . . .
The doors are never locked.
The Call To Worship is "Y'all come on in!"
People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.
The Preacher says "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" - and 5 guys stand up.
The restroom is outside.
Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.
A member requests to be buried in his 4-wheel drive truck because "I ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get me out of".
In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of "2 calves".
Never in its entire 100-year history has one of it's pastors had to buy any meat or vegetables.
When it rains, everybody's smiling.
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay... It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
A lady went to a doctor’s office where she was seen by a Doctor. A few minutes into the examination, screeching could be heard from the room, and then the lady burst out of the room as if running for her life. After much effort a nurse finally managed to calm her down enough to tell her story.
The nurse then barged into the office of the Doctor and screamed, “shame on you, Mrs. Smith is 82 years old, and you told her she’s pregnant.”
The Doctor continued writing calmly and barely looking up said, “does she still have the hiccups?”
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 plus years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance!?"
God replied, "My child, I am sorry, I didn't even recognize you!
While taxiing at LaGuardia the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right!"
Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "You've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!
You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... and left it there all night.
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car.
His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car.
They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."
To which his father replied,"Yes, and they walked every where they went!"
Setting: A small rural community, so small, in fact, the only church in town is a small Baptist church whose pastor must also double up as the local barber to make ends meet.
There happened to be a man in this small community who had invested wisely and was enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed one day to go through his daily routine. He looked into the mirror as he was about to shave and decided, "I make enough money now, I don't have to shave myself. I'll go down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." So he did.
He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber was out calling on the shut-ins.
His wife, Grace, said "I usually do the shaves anyway ... sit down and I'll shave you." So he did. She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?" "$25," Grace replied.
The man thought that was somewhat expensive and that he may have to get a shave every other day. Nonetheless, he paid Grace and went on his way.
The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as smooth as the day before. No need for a shave today, he thought, well, it was a $25 shave. The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as the day before. Wow! he thought. That's amazing, as he normally would need to shave daily to keep his clean-shaven business look. Day three, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the minute after Grace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed, the man went down to the barber shop to ask some questions. This particular day the pastor was in and the man asked him why his face was as smooth as it was the first day it was shaven.
The kind old pastor gently retorted, "Friend, you were shaved by Grace ... and once shaved, always shaved."
A preacher's little boy inquired, "Daddy, I notice every Sunday morning when you first come out to preach, you sit up on the platform and bow your head. What are you doing?"
The father explained, "I'm asking the Lord to give me a good sermon."
The little boy said, "Then why doesn't he?"
After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained four new families."
The Presbyterian preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained six new families."
The Baptist pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"
Why did the art thief's vehicle run out of gas?
He had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
The pastor was noticing the Fellowship Hall paint was showing its age, so, bright and early Saturday morning, he pulled the supplies from the shed, and got down to work.
Hours went by, and slowly, but surely, he was getting the job done. He was also getting tired when, late in the afternoon, he realized that he was going to fall just a little short on paint.
So instead of driving all the way into town for another gallon, he decided to add a little water to the paint, an so he finished off the job.
Sunday morning found him standing in front of that last wall, the difference in paint obvious. And as the congregation passed by him, following his gaze, he heard the still, small voice inside, "Repaint, and thin not!"
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”
She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she’d asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, “Colonel Sanders.” Guess where I am now...
A boy was sitting on a park bench with one hand resting on an open Bible. He was loudly exclaiming his praise to God. “Hallelujah! Hallelujah! God is great!” he yelled without worrying whether anyone heard him or not.
Shortly after, along came a man who had recently completed some studies at a local
university. Feeling himself very enlightened in the ways of truth and very eager to
show this enlightenment, he asked the boy about the source of his joy
“Hey” asked the boy in return with a bright laugh, “Don’t you have any idea what God is able to do? I just read that God opened up the waves of the Red Sea and led the whole nation of Israel right through the middle.”
The enlightened man laughed lightly, sat down next to the boy and began to try to open his eyes to the “realities” of the miracles of the Bible. “That can all be very easily explained. Modern scholarship has shown that the Red Sea in that area was only 10-inches deep at that time. It was no problem for the Israelites to wade across.”
The boy was stunned. His eyes wandered from the man back to the Bible laying open in his lap. The man, content that he had enlightened a poor, naive young person to the finer points of scientific insight, turned to go. Scarcely had he taken two steps when the boy began to rejoice and praise louder than before. The man turned to ask the reason for this resumed jubilation.
“Wow!” exclaimed the boy happily, “God is greater than I thought! Not only did He lead the whole nation of Israel through the Red Sea, He topped it off by drowning the whole Egyptian army in 10-inches of water!
An elderly nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their
ways. She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: “And do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other... somewhat confused. Then one of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, “Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?”
One of the steelworkers yelled down, “Why?”
The worker yelled back, “’Cause his wife’s here with his lunch.”