Humor

Jul-Sep 2015

 

(09/30/2015)  

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.

 

To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that that was pretty smart.

 

The accountant said that his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that that was pretty good.

 

The chemist said that his dog could do better still. He called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that that was pretty impressive.

 

Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, claimed he had injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workman's compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

 

They all agreed that that was brilliant!

 

(09/29/2015)

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.

 

After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

 

(09/28/2015)  

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

 

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

 

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

 

He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

 

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

 

"Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly."

 

 No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked.

 

 The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson."

 

 "Batteries?" cried the wife.

 

 "Yes" he replied. "Sally sells C cells by the Seashore."

 

(09/26/2015) 

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

 

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When
they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready ! to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

 

She came over with a box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.


Her friend said, "I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

 

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

 

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?"

 

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it!"

 

(09/25/2015)  

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation".

 

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000."

 

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is okay for the loan because he knows the bank manger.

 

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain pig about half an inch tall, bright pink, and perfectly formed.

 

Very confused, Patti explains that she will have to consult with the manager, and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says "There is a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this porcelain pig as collateral."

 

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

 

(09/24/2015)  

No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between
"complete" and "finished." However, in a linguistic conference,
held in London England, and attended by some of the best linguists
in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clever winner.

His final challenge was this. Some say there is no difference between
"complete" and "finished." Please explain the difference in a way
that is easy to understand. His response was:

When you marry the right woman, you are "complete." 
If you marry the wrong woman, you are "finished." 
And, when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman,
you are "completely finished."

 

(09/23/2015)  

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said, as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

 

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

 

The doctor quickly responded, $5,000 for a male brain, and $1,000 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity,
blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

 

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains,
because they've been used!" 

 

(09/22/2015)   

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him
what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name,
address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he
had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a
complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba
said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood
pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all
his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in
the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The
doctor asked, 'Where?' Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you
want me to unload 'em?

 

(09/21/2015)

A lady walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.


The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the lady hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. 

Two weeks later, the lady returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

 

The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" 

The lady replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

 

(09/20/2015)  

A missionary recruit goes to Venezuela for the first time, struggling with the language. He visits one of the local churches and sits in the front row. 

So as not to make a fool of himself, he decides to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He decides to follow the man sitting next to him in the front pew. As they sing, the man claps his hands, so the missionary recruit claps, too. When the man stands up to pray, the missionary recruit stands up, too. When the man sits down, the missionary sits down. 

Later in the service, the man next to him stands up again, so the missionary stands up, too. 

Suddenly a hush falls over the entire congregation. A few people gasp. The missionary looks around and sees that no one else is standing. So he sits down. 

After the service ends, the missionary recruit greets the preacher. "I take it you don't speak Spanish," the preacher says. 

The missionary replies, "No, I don't. It's that obvious?" 

"Well yes," the preacher says. "I announced that the Acosta family had a new-born baby boy, and I asked the proud father to please stand up."

 

(09/19/2019) Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep."

"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.

"Wow!. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise." 

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss that in, it's gotta make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...

Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever saw. It came running like crazy and just jumped
into this hole!" 

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie." 

 

(09/18/2015)  

A little girl was writing a school paper asked her father, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"

 

"It's mostly a matter of degree." the dad replied. " Let me show you what I mean". With that the dad picked up the phone and dialed a number at random. A man  answered the phone and the dad says, "Hello, is Homer there?" The man on the other end answered, "I'm sorry, you must have the wrong number. There's nobody here by that name."

 

The father hangs up and immediately hits redial, "Hello, is Homer there?" asks the father. "Now listen up buddy, there's nobody here by that name so quit bothering me!" The dad listens as the man slams the phone down.

 

You see, says the dad, he is starting to get angry. He hits redial and a loud voice comes on the line. "HELLO!" the man yells. "Yes, is Homer there? asks the father calmly. "Are you crazy?" the man screams, " I told you Homer doesn't live here so don't call back again!" then he slams the phone down again.

 

"Did you hear that?" the father asked the little girl, "Now that is what anger sounds like." "Now you're going to hear exasperation." He picked the phone up and hit redial again. "HELLO!" boomed the voice on the other end.

 

"Hello" the dad says politely, "This is Homer, have I had any calls?"

 

(09/17/2015)  

When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater, he walked over and whispered "Sorry sir, but you are allowed only one seat." The man moaned but didn't budge.

 

"Sir," the usher said more loudly, "if you don't move, I'll have to call the manager." The man moaned again but stayed where he was.

 

The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. The cop looked at the reclining man and said, "All right, what's your name, joker?"

 

"Joe", he mumbled.

 

"And where are you from, Joe?"

 

Joe responds painfully, "The balcony!"

 

(09/16/2015) 

In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, “Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.”


Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it.

 

“Well, said Mr. Johnson, I was looking over your test and the question was, ‘Who was our first president?’, and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put ‘George Washington,’ and so did you.” 

“So, everyone knows that he was the first president.”

 

“Well, just wait a minute,” said Mr. Johnson. “The next question was, ‘Who freed the slaves?’ Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you.” 

“Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that,” said Johnny. 

“Wait, wait,” said Mr. Johnson. The next question was, ‘Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?’ Mary put ‘I don't know,’ and you put, ‘Me neither’.”

 

(09/12/2015)  

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."

 

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

 

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer" the old man said. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.


Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "There's no way they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife, smiling. "Great," he says, "they're coming home for Christmas AND paying their own way!!

 

(09/11/2015)   Several men are in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues: 

"Hello?" 

"Honey, It's me." 

"Sugar!" 

"Are you at the club?" 

"Yes." 

"Great! I'm at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?" 

"What's the price?" 

"Only $1,500." 

"Well, okay, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much." 

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2016 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..." 

"What price did he quote you?" 

"Only $60,000!" 

"Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options." 

"Great! Before we hang up, something else..." 

"What?" 

"It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...well, I stopped by to see the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $650,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." 

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $620,000, OK?" 

"Okay, sweetie. Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye." 

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and asks aloud, "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

 

(09/10/2015)  

One day a man ran into an old friend and asked him if he was still dating the same girl. "No" Replied the friend. "She wasn't the brightest bulb in the chandelier. Just the other day she decided to ride a horse for the first time.

 

Without any instruction she hopped on and took off at full gallop. Everything was fine for a minute until she started losing her grip and began sliding down the side of the horse. She started grasping desperately at the reigns and the horse's mane. The horse kept it's pace up as she bounced up and down on the ground with the horse's hooves pounding away inches from her head.

 

The horse might have killed her if it were not for an alert WalMart greeter who ran over and unplugged the thing!"

 

(09/09/2015)  

A man sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. He goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."

"I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. But, the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down."

"So, I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals." 

"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
 

The man is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

 

(09/08/2015)  

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

 

The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

 

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

 

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

 

The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

 

(09/07/2015)  

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

 

"The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause]  "Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" 

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." 

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." 

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." 

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?" 

 

(09/05/2015)

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

 

(09/05/2015)

 

At New York's Kennedy airport, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

 

The Attorney General believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

 

"Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed", the Attorney General said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like "x" and "y", and, although they are frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

 

"As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

 

 

(09/02/2015) 

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them.

 

The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for 1,000 cartons of cigarettes.

 

At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific!"

 

They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it."

 

They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"

 

(09/02/2015)  

An elderly pastor was searching his closet for his  tie before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills. He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents.

 

Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 25 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her why. The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. 

She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box. The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 25 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.

 

She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1."

 

(08/31/2015)  

A game warden stops a poacher walking along the beach and tells him he's going to fine him for taking lobsters without a permit.

 

The poacher tells the warden the two lobsters in his hands are his pets and he was just taking them for a walk.

 

"Nonsense," says the game warden.  "It's not against the law to walk your pets along the beach, is it?" asks the man. "I send them into the surf for a swim and when I whistle they come back to me".

 

"I've got to see this; show me."  says the game warden.

 

So the man tosses both lobsters into the ocean and the game warden says, "Okay, now let's hear you whistle for your lobsters to swim back to you."

 

"Lobsters?" asks the poacher, "What lobsters?"

 

(08/27/2015) 

George was a thoughtful husband. He wanted to give his wife something special for her birthday which was coming up soon. As he sat on the edge of the bed, he watched his wife turning back and forth and looking at herself in the mirror. "Reta," he said, "What would you like for your birthday?"

 

His wife continued to look at herself and said, "I'd like to be six again."

 

George knew just what to do. On the big day, he got up early and made his wife a bowl of Fruit Loops. Then he took her to an amusement park where they rode all the rides. Five hours later, Reta's stomach felt upside down and her head was reeling. Nevertheless, George took her to McDonald's and bought her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Next, it was a movie with popcorn, soda and her favorite candy.

 

As Reta wobbled into the house that evening and flopped on the bed, George asked her, "Well, Dear, what was it like to be six again?"

 

Reta looked up at him. Her expression changed. She said, "I meant my dress size!"

 

(08/25/2015)  

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

 

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

 

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

 

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

 

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

 

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................

 

"Where's that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

 

(08/24/2015)  

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

 

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

 

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

 

"I think you're bad luck."

 

 

(08/21/2015) 

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan.

 

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she says to her husband, “I wish I had a picture of Ahmal as well.”

 

Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

 

(08/18/2015)  

Three pastors are out in their boat fishing.  One of them says, "Shoot, I forgot to bring the cooler on the boat, and I really feel like a soda."  He stands up, steps out of the boat, walks across the water to the shore, grabs a soda out of the cooler, then walks back to the boat across the water, and steps into the boat.

 

The second pastor says, "You know, I feel like a soft drink, too."  He stands up, steps out of the boat, and walks across the water to the shore, grabs a soda, then walks on the water back to the boat.

 

The third pastor is stunned, but figures if they can do it, so can he. He stands up, steps out of the boat, and SPLASH! he's treading water.

 

The first pastor looks at the second and says, "Do you think we should have told him where the rocks are?"

 

(08/17/2015) 

Mr Arnold, a businessman from Tulsa, Oklahoma, went on a business trip to Amarillo, Texas. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Paula.  Unfortunately, he forgot his wife's exact e-mail address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. P. Arnold in Rapid City, South Dakota, the wife of a preacher who had just died. The preacher's wife, Penny, took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.

 

When she was finally revived by her daughter, Penny hysterically pointed to the message, which read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."

 

(08/14/2015) 

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy. St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED -- you're in."

 

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of bikers assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about fifty of 'em abusing this terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and  a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the biker gang formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

 

St. Peter, impressed, says, "Really? When did this happen?"

 

"Oh, about two minutes ago."

 

(08/13/2015)  

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

 

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

 

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

 

"Come on God, give me a break!!," the man pleaded. "two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

 

------

 

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

 

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

 

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

 

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic.  But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

 

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:  "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."

 

(08/11/2015)  

A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter from his mother he just got that morning. As he opened it a twenty dollar bill fell out. He thought: "Thanks, mom, I could use that right about now." As he finished his meal he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. He thought: "That fellow could probably use the $20 more than I."
 
So he crossed out the names on the envelope and put the $20 in the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters. 'PERSEVERE!' So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled.

 

The next day, while the pastor was eating his lunch, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills. Surprised the young pastor asked him what that was for?

 

The man replied, "This is your half of the winnings. 'PERSEVERE' came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday, and he paid 30 to 1."

 

(08/10/2015)  

A pastor was in the habit of reading every word of his sermons - which were rather long and tedious.  One of the congregation thought to cure him of this, and, before the service, slipped into the pulpit and removed one page at random.


The preacher began.  After a while he reached the point where the page was gone.   "And Adam said unto Eve..."  He paused.   "And Adam, uh, said unto Eve...uh...There seems to be a leaf missing!"

 

(08/07/2015)  

A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her. He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind-hearted?"

 

The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."

 

"Why did you make her so good-looking?"

 

"So you could love her, my son."

 

"Why did you make her such a good cook?"

 

"So you could love her, my son."

 

The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don`t mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but ... why did you make her so stupid?"

 

"So she could love you, my son."

 

(08/06/2015)  

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

 

“But why?” they asked, as they moved off.

 

“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

 

(08/05/2015) 

Two guys decide to go ice fishing. They head out, find a nice spot, cut a hole in the ice, and stick in their poles.


Suddenly, a loud voice booms from above, "THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!!!"

 

The two guys look around, look at each other, and look up, and they don't see anyone. They figure the voice knows what it's talking about, so they get up and find another spot on the ice, cut a hole, and stick in their poles.

 

Once again, the voice booms from above, "THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!!!"

 

They look around, look at each other, then look up. Again, they don't see anyone. They find another spot on the ice, cut a hole, and stick in their poles.

 

Once again, the loud voice booms from above, "THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!!!"

 

They look around, look at each other, then look up, again seeing no one.  One of them calls out, "Is this GOD???!!!"

 

The voice responds, "NO! THIS IS THE SKATING RINK MANAGER! THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!!!"

 

(08/04/2015)  

A preacher buys a lawnmower from a neighbor of his, but he can't get it to run.

 

He goes to his neighbor and says, "Why can't I get the lawnmower to work?"

 

The neighbor says, "Oh, to get it to work, you have to curse it."

 

The priest says, "But, I haven't cursed in over thirty years!"

 

The neighbor says, "In that case, just keep trying to start it. It'll all come back to you!"

 

(08/03/2015)

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

 

The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."

 

So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.

 

The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."

 

(08/02/2015) 

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham
Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

 

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

 

She said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why doth thou travel far from town
to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?”

 

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, Dear?”

 

And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”

 

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

 

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham’s tent and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

 

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.

 

Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.”

 

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known “eBay” he said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.”

 

And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”

“YAHOO,” said Abraham.

 

And that is how it all began. It wasn’t Al Gore after all.

 

(08/01/2015)

In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light.

And God said, “Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit,” and God saw that it was good.

And God said, “Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth.” And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald’s. And McDonald’s brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, “You want fries with that?” And Man said, “Supersize them.” And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, “Try my crispy fresh salad.”

And Satan brought forth Hagen-daz. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, “I have sent thee hearty-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.”

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMOs.

 

(07/31/2015)

Between moments of dispensing wisdom it seems that historical religious leaders had also learned software programming. One day a great contest was held to test their skills.

 

After days and days of fierce competition only two leaders remained for the last day’s event: Jesus and Mohammed.

 

The judge described the software application required for the final test and gave the signal to start writing code. The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, classes, applets, and applications flew by on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows dialogs and other intricate graphics began forming on their monitors. The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished.

 

Suddenly, a bolt of lightening flashed and the power went out. After a moment it came back on — just in time for the clock to announce that at last the competition was over.

The judge asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software. Mohammed angrily said that he’d lost it all in the power outage. The judge turned to the other competitor.

Jesus smiled, clicked a mouse and a dazzling application appeared on his screen. After just a few moments the judge was clearly impressed and declared Jesus the victor.

When asked why the decision was made the judge pointed out the unique characteristic that set the winner apart from all the other leaders:

 

Jesus saves.

 

(07/30/2015)

Two guys were watching an old cowboy movie and it came to the part when the cowboy, on his horse, at full gallop, was headed right towards a cliff.

 

One of the guys said to the other, "Hey, I’ll bet you 10 bucks that he rides over the cliff."

 

The other said, "You're on!"

 

Well the cowboy and the horse went right over the cliff. The guy that lost the bet paid up.

 

A while later, the guy who won said, "Hey, I’m feeling a little guilty about our bet and need to make a confession ... I've already seen the movie."

 

The other one replied, "Well, I have also seen the movie before ... but I didn’t think he’d do it again!"

 

(07/29/2015) 

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. “I’ve just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!” the excited scientist exclaimed.

 

To which the curator replied, “Bring him in. We’ll check it out.”

 

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. “You were right about the mummy’s age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?”

 

“Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, ‘10,000 Shekels on Goliath’.”

 

(07/28/2015) 

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, “Good morning son.”

 

“Good morning pastor” replied the young man, focused on the plaque. “Sir, what is this?” Johnny asked.

 

“Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service,” replied the pastor.

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

 

Little Johnny’s voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, “Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?”

 

(07/26/2015) 

A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic’s lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside.

 

The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn’t find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.

 

That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight.

 

Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed, “A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!”

 

(07/25/2015)  

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say:

 

“Jesus is watching you!”

 

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

 

“Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.

 

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot:

 

“Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”

 

“Yes,” said the parrot.

 

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: “What’s your name?”

 

“Clarence,” said the bird.

 

“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”

 

The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus.”

 

(07/24/2015) 

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down

 

Finally the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining.

 

The doctor grabbed one and said “I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,” and jumped out.

 

The lawyer then said, “I’m a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world, I deserve to live!” He grabbed a parachute and jumped.

 

The priest looked at the little boy and said, “My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace”.

 

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, “Not to worry, Father. The ‘smartest man in the world’ just took off with my back pack.”

 

(07/23/2015) 

Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.


The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"


"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."


The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. 


He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."

 

(07/22/2015) 

There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said, "Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door."

 

Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said, "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment."

 

The barber went in the back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him. So give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen."

 

Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying  "Good morning sir. I have a question for you... Will you go to heaven when you die?"

 

(07/21/2015) 

What would have happened if it were three wise women instead of men?


They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought disposable diapers as gifts!

 

(07/20/2015) 

A Christian father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, 'I know what

the Bible means!'  
 
His father smiled and replied, 'What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
 
The son replied, 'I do know!'
 
'Okay,' said his father.  'What does the Bible mean?'
 
'That's easy, Daddy...' the young boy replied excitedly,' It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

 

(07/19/2015)  

The strongman at a circus sideshow demonstrated his power before a large audience. Towards the end, he squeezed the juice from a lemon between his hands. He then said to the audience, "I will offer $200 to anyone in the audience who can squeeze another drop from this lemon.

A thin scholarly looking man came forward, picked up the lemon, strained hard and managed to get a drop. The strongman was amazed. He paid the man and asked, "What is the secret of your strength?"

"Practice," the man answered. "I was the treasurer of the Baptist Church for thirty-two years!.

 

(07/18/2015) 

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.  The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him.  Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

 

'Reverend,' said the young man, 'I'm so sorry about the delay...  It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.'

 

The minister chuckled, 'I know what you mean. It's the same in my business.'

 

(07/17/2015)  Another one from Isaac Asimov:

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy. It just sat there, looking like a rock, but sometimes it lifted a lower edge and sucked in powdered sugar. That was all it ate. No one ever saw it move, but every once in a while, it wasn’t quite where people thought it was. There was a theory that it moved when no one was looking.

Bob Laverty had a heli-worm he called Dolly. It was green and carried on photosynthesis. Sometimes it moved to get into better light and when it did so it coiled its wormlike body and inched along very slowly like a turning helix.

One day, Jim Sloane challenged Bob Laverty to a race. ” My Teddy,” he said, “can beat your Dolly.”

“Your Teddy,” scoffed Laverty, “doesn’t move.”

“Bet!” said Sloane.

The whole crew got into the act. Even the captain risked half a credit. Everyone bet on Dolly. At least she moved.

Jim Sloane covered it all. He had been saving his salary through three trips and he put every millicredit of it on Teddy.

The race started at one end of the grand salon. At the other end, a heap of sugar had been placed for Teddy and a spotlight for Dolly. Dolly formed a coil at once and began to spiral its way very slowly toward the light. The watching crew cheered it on.

Teddy just sat there without budging.

“Sugar, Teddy, Sugar,” said Sloane, pointing. Teddy did not move. It looked more like a rock than ever, but Sloane did not seem concerned.

Finally, when Dolly had spiraled halfway across the salon, Jim Sloane said casually to his rockette, “if you don’t get out there, Teddy, I’m going to get a hammer and chip you into pebbles.”

That was when people first discovered that rockettes could read minds. That was also when people first discovered that rockettes could teleport.

Sloane had no sooner made his threat when Teddy simply disappeared from his place and reappeared on top of the sugar.

Sloane won, of course, and he counted his winnings slowly and luxuriously.

Laverty said bitterly, “You knew the damn thing could teleport.”

“No, I didn’t,” said Sloane, “but I knew he would win. It was a sure thing.”

“How come?”

“It’s an old saying everyone knows. … Sloane’s Teddy wins the race.”

 

(07/16/2015) 

A mother asked her nine-year-old son what he learned in Sunday School that day.

 

He said "The teacher told them how God sent Moses behind enemy lines to rescue the Israelites and lead them out of Egypt. When they got to the Red Sea, the army built a pontoon bridge and everyone walked across safely. Then they saw the Egyptians coming, so Moses radioed for reinforcements. Bombers came and blew up the bridge, so the people were saved."

 

His mother asked, "Is that really what the teacher said?"

 

"No," he replied, "but if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it."

 

(07/14/2015) 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

 

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

 

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

 

"What that tell you?" asks Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,

 

"Astronomically speaking, it tell me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically speaking, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically speaking, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically speaking, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?"

 

Tonto says, "You dumber than a buffalo. It means someone stole the tent."

 

(07/13/2015) 

The church was badly in need of a coat of paint. So the pastor decided he'd do the job himself. But all he had was one bucket of paint. So he got a bunch of buckets and some water, and he thinned the paint enough to cover the entire church.

 

Then he spent all day painting. That night it rained—very hard—and washed all the paint off. The pastor was quite discouraged and asked God, 'Why...why God, did you let it rain and wash off all my hard work?'


To which God thundered his reply, 'Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!'

 

(07/13/2015)

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super callused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.

 

(07/12/2015) 

The eleventh pun always gets a laugh, even if no pun in ten did.

 

(07/12/2015)  The Death of a Foy by Issac Asimov

It was extremely unusual for a Foy to be dying on earth. They were the highest social class on their planet (which had a name that was pronounced — as nearly as earthly throats could make the sounds — Sortibackenstrete) and were virtually immortal.

Every Foy, of course, came to a voluntary death eventually, and this one had given up because of an ill-starred love affair, if you can call it a love affair where five individuals, in order to reproduce, must indulge in a yearlong mental contact. Apparently, the Foy had not fit into the contact after several months of trying, and it had broken his heart — or hearts, for he had five.

All Foys had five large hearts and there was speculation that it was this that made them virtually immortal.

Maude Briscoe, earth’s most renowned surgeon, wanted those hearts. “It can’t be just their number and size, Ray,” she said to her chief assistant. “It has to be something physiological or biochemical. I must have them.”

“I don’t know if we can manage that,” said Ray Johnson. “I’ve been speaking to him earnestly, trying to overcome the Foy taboo against dismemberment after death. I’ve had to lie to him, Maude.”

“Lie?”

“I told him that after death, there would be a dirge sung for him by the world-famous choir led by Harold J. Gassenbaum. I told him that, by earthly belief, this would mean that his astral essence would be instantaneously wafted back, through hyperspace, to his home planet of Sortib-what’s-it’s-name — provided he would sign a release allowing you, Maude, to have his hearts for scientific investigation.”

“Don’t tell me he believed that.”

“Well, you know this modern attitude about accepting the myths and beliefs of intelligent aliens. It wouldn’t have been polite for him not to believe me. Besides, the Foys have a profound admiration for earthly science and I think this one is a little flattered that we should want his hearts. He promised to consider the suggestion and I hope he decides soon because he can’t live more than another, day or so, and we must have his permission by interstellar law, and the hearts must be fresh — Ah, his signal.”

Ray Johnson moved in with smooth and noiseless speed. “Yes?” he whispered, unobtrusively turning on the holographic recording device in case the Foy wished to grant permission.

The Foy’s large, gnarled, rather tree like body lay motionless on the bed. His bulging eyes palpitated — all five of them — as they rose, each on its stalk, and turned toward Ray. The Foy’s voice had a strange tone and the lipless edges of his open round mouth did not move, but the words formed perfectly. His eyes were making the Foyan gestures of assent as he said, “Give my big hearts to Maude, Ray. Dismember me for Harold’s choir. Tell all the Foys on Sortibackenstrete that I will soon be there.”

 

(07/12/2015) 

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." 

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

 

 

(07/09/2015) 

Do you remember the relief pitcher of yore, Mel Famie?  He was a pretty good pitcher, but he had a weakness for booze.  As an away game approached the bottom of the ninth and Famie's team up by three, he felt comfortable having a few beers.  Three runs later and runners on first and second, Mel was well into his fourth beer.  Much to his shock and dismay, his number was called to try to end the rally.  Hastily shoving his partially drunk bottle into his rear pocket he headed out to the mound.  Eight pitches, two walks and a run later, Mel began staggering towards the visitor's dugout.  The beer bottle fell out of his rear pocket.  A kid sitting above the home dugout called to one of the players asking what fell out.  The player repsonded "That's the beer that made Mel Famie walk us."

 

(07/09/2015)

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. 

The first said: "I built a big house for our mother." The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."

 

Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks.


"Milton," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.


"Gerald," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude!"


"But Donald," she said, "the little chicken you sent was delicious!"

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