Humor

Apr-Jun 2015

 

(06/30/2015)   At a Wednesday evening church meeting a very wealthy man rose to give his testimony. 
       
"I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I can still remember the turning point in my faith, like it was yesterday: 
       
I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God's work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today." 
       
As he finished it was clear that everyone had been moved by this man's story. But, as he took his seat, a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said: "Wonderful story! I dare you to do it again!"

 

(06/29/2015) 

One balmy day in the South Pacific, a navy ship spotted smoke coming from one of three huts on an uncharted island. 
       
Upon arriving at the shore they were met by a shipwreck survivor. He said, "I'm so glad you're here! I've been alone on this island for more than five years!" 
       

The captain replied, "If you're all alone on the island why do I see three huts." 
       
The survivor said, "Oh. Well, I live in one, and go to church in another." 
       
"What about the third hut?" asked the captain. 
       
"That's where I used to go to church."

 

(06/28/2015)

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day.  "You know, I know everyone there is to know.  Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

 

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff.  "Ok, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise?"  "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door.  Sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba!  Great to see you!  You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

 

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical.  After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.  "Yes," Bubba says.  "I know him.  Let's fly out to Washington."  And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise.  I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and share a cup of coffee first and catch up."

 

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.  After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies.  "Sure!" says Bubba.  "I've known the Pope a long time."  So off they fly to Rome.

 

Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work.  I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people.  Tell you what.  I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

 

Bubba disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.  Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

 

By the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.  Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"  His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

 

(06/27/2015)

A preacher went to see a member of the community and invited him to come to Church on Sunday morning. The man was a producer of fine peach brandy and told the preacher he would love to attend his Church if the Pastor would drink some of his brandy and admit doing so in front of the congregation. The preacher agreed and drank up.

 

Sunday morning came and the man came to Church. The preacher recognized him from the pulpit and said: "I see Mr. Johnson is here with us this morning. I want to thank him publicly for his hospitality this week and especially for the peaches he gave me and the spirit in which they were given."

 

(06/26/2015)   This (or something similar) was one of RR's favorite jokes.

 

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up.

 

Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on Christmas day their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

 

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. "Why are you crying?" the father asked.

 

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.

 

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

 

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

 

(06/25/2015) 

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.


Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

 

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

 

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY... for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for the last 48 years."

 

(06/24/2015) 

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large tray of apples. A nun lettered a note and posted it on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving along the lunch line, at the other end was a large tray of chocolate chip cookies. A girl wrote a note, which she put next to the tray of cookies, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

 

(06/23/2015) 

Two priests die at the same time and meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "I'd like to get you guys in now but our computers are down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?"

 

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will you be keeping track of us, St. Peter ?" "No, I told you the computer is down. There's no way we can keep track of what you are doing. This week's a freebie."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rocky Mountains, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asks the Lord.

 

St Peter says,  "Because he's on a snow tire somewhere in Alaska."

 

(06/22/2015) 

A priest and a rabbi are in a car crash and it's a bad one. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither one of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi says, "So you're a priest. That's interesting; I'm a rabbi. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace."

The priest replies, "Oh, yes, I agree. It's a miracle that we survived and are here together."
 

"And here's another miracle," says the rabbi. "My car is destroyed but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink the wine and celebrate our good fortune," he says, handing the bottle to the priest.

The priest nods in agreement, opens the wine, drinks half of it, and hands it back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes it and puts the cap back on.
 

"Aren't you going to have any? asks the priest.

"Not right now," says the rabbi. "I think I'll wait until after the police make their report."

 

(06/21/2015) 

A religious woman upon waking up each morning would open her front door stand on the porch and yell, “Praise the lord.”

 

This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to counter back, “There is no Lord."

 

One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his neighbor praying for food and thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch.

 

The next morning the lady yelled, “Praise the Lord who gave me this food.” The neighbor, laughing so hard he could barely get the words out, yelled “It wasn’t the Lord, it was me.”

 

The lady without missing a beat yelled “Praise the Lord for not only giving me food but making the atheist pay for it!“

 

(06/20/2015)

Harry walked over to the Pastor after the service, “You know Father, I am really stuck in a quandary I would like to attend church next week but I just can’t miss the big game next Sunday, it’s just out of the question.”

 

“Oh Harry” said the Pastor putting his arm around Harry, “don’t you know? that’s what recorders are for.”

 

Harry’s face lit up “you mean I can record your sermon?”

 

(06/19/2015)

Existence was so tranquil and peaceful for the young couple Adam and Eve, like straight out of a story book, until one unfortunate day when Adam showed up one hour late for supper.

 

By the time Adam finally came home Eve was a nervous wreck, and her imagination was working overtime. “Honey, what happened? Why are you home so late?” Questioned Eve. “Oh I’m sorry! Adam responded with a wave of his hand, “I just lost track of the time.”

 

Now Eve didn’t have a Mother or girlfriend around to calm her fears, after all it was just her and her Husband and despite Adam’s convincing act  her overactive imagination could not be calmed.

 

That night after two hours of restlessly turning in her bed, enough was enough. “What in the world are you doing!” hollered Adam jumping out of bed. “You know very well what I'm doing” screamed Eve right back, “Now you better lay still right now and let me finish counting those ribs!".

 

(06/18/2015)  

Three elderly men, Eddie, Jenkins and Martin men go to the doctor's for their memory test. The doctor begins by asking Eddie, "What is five times five?" "191," is his reply.

 

The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to Jenkins, "It's your turn. What is five times five?" "Wednesday," replies Jenkins.

 

The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay Martin it's your turn. What's five times five?" "Twenty five," says Martin.

 

"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get your answer?" "Easy," says Martin, "just subtract 191 from Wednesday."

 

(06/17/2015) 

A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancé to his study for a glass of tea.

 

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Bible scholar," he replies.

 

"A Bible scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice home for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study,' the young man replies, 'and God will provide for us."


"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé. 


The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

 

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, darling?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is, he thinks I'm God."

 

(06/16/2015) 

Pastor John is walking down the street one day when he notices Nathan, a very small boy, trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, Nathan is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

 

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, Pastor John moves closer to Nathan's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to Nathan's level, Pastor John smiles benevolently and asks, 'And now what, my little man?'

 

To which Nathan replies with a beaming grin, 'Now we run!'

 

(06/15/2015) 

A recently ordained priest, Father Henry, was to hold his first ever graveside burial service at a pauper's cemetery for an destitute man with no family or friends.

 

Father Henry, not knowing where the cemetery was, made several wrong turns and got lost. He eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the spade was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.

 

Father Henry, being a reliable young priest went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Feeling guilty because of his lateness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in considerable style.

 

As the good Father returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say to the other, "Do you know, fancy that, I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty five years and I ain't never seen anything like that."

 

(06/14/2015) 

Pastor George was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it only one word: 'Fool'.

 

The following Sunday, in church, Pastor George announced to the assembled congregation, "I have known many people who have written letters to me and forgotten to sign their names.  But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter"

 

(06/13/2015) 

It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, 5 year old Craig stayed home from church with a babysitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds.

 

Craig inquired as to what they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his father responded.

 

"Wouldn't you just know it?" Craig complained, "the one Sunday I don't go and He shows up."

 

(06/12/2015)  

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a street gang walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, "God, there are some evil, thieving gang members at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?".

God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell."

St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!"

"Who, the gang members?".

"No, the Pearly Gates."

 

(06/11/2015) 

There was once a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money, and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So, he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

 

An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him.

 

Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward, the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase, Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

 

But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"

 

(06/10/2015) 

A man had been lost and walking in the desert for about five days. One hot day, he comes to the home of a preacher. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The preacher takes him in and nurses him back to health.

 

Feeling better, the man asks the preacher for directions to the nearest town. The preacher tells him the directions, and offers to lend him his horse to make it. The preacher says, "However, there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."

 

Anxious to get to town, the man says, "Sure, okay," and gets on the horse. He says, "Thank God" and sure enough, the horse starts walking. A bit later he says louder, "Thank God, Thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God! Thank God! THANK GOD!" and the horse is soon up to a full run!

 

About then he realizes he's heading for a huge cliff and yells, "Whoa!" But the horse doesn't even slow! It's coming up REAL QUICK and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!" Finally he remembers, "AMEN!!!"

 

The horse stops a mere two inches from the cliff's edge, almost throwing him over its head. The man, panting and heart racing, wipes the sweat from his face and leans back in the saddle. "Oh!" he said, gasping for air, "Thank God."

 

(06/09/2015)

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So, he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to lead the service for him that day.

 

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

 

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

 

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 400 yard hole in one! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

 

(06/06/2015)  

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom and Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. 
       
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." 
       
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." 
       
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. 
       
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. 
       
The grocer, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so", said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." 
       
  "Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." 
       
  "Oh? What was it then?" 
       
  "I think it was the spin cycle!"

 

(06/05/2015) 

A young man was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life. 
       
 That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning. 
       
As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet. 
       
The guy never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

 

(06/04/2015) 

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Highway 401. Please be careful!" 
       
 "Hon" said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

 

(05/28/2015)  Dinner at the Ritz.  If you are in need of a good laugh, don't miss this.

 

(06/03/2015)

Farmers Fred and Luke were fishing on the side of the road. They made a sign saying "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!," and showed it to each passing car. 
       
One driver that passed didn't appreciate the sign and shouted, "Leave us alone you religious nuts!" 
       
 All of a sudden they heard a big splash. 
       
 Fred grinned at Luke. "Do you think we should just put up a sign that says: 'Bridge Out' instead?"

 

(06/02/2015) 

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." 
       
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" 
       
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." 
       
To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"

 

(06/01/2015) 

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.  All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."  Suddenly the sky clouded above his head, and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."  The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.  Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking.  The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific!  The concrete and steel it would take!  I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for wordly things.  Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time.  Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women.  I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes God said, "You want two or four lanes on that bridge?"

 

(05/31/2015) 

A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on.  He asked for help and she could see why.  With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on.

When the second boot was finally on, she had worked up a sweat.  She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."  She looked, and sure enough, they were.  It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."  She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots.  My Mom made me wear them."  The teacher didn't know if she should laugh or cry.  She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"  He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots."

 

(05/30/2015) 

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long white beard and flowing white hair.  The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?"  The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?"  The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"  The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am."

George W. asked him why he was so uppity, and the man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert."

 

(05/29/2015)

One Sunday morning, the preacher brings in four covered jars with one live worm in each. In one he poured whiskey, in one he poured liquid chocolate, in the third one he poured cigarette smoke and in the fourth one he threw in dirt.

The result was nothing unusual. The worms in first three jars died. He then looked at the congregation and said, "I don't have to tell you much. I believe you have learned a clear lesson".

Then he pointed at a little girl and asked, "Can you tell us what have you learned?".

Without any hesitation she said, "If you drink, smoke and eat chocolate you'll never have worms". 

 

(05/28/2015)

Visiting his grandparents, a small boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out. He picked it up and found that it was an old leaf that had been pressed flat between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found," he called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked."
With astonishment in his voice, the boy answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

 

(05/27/2015) 

"There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service," announced the pastor. After the close of the service, the group gathered at the back of the auditorium for the announced meeting. But there was a stranger in their midst. He was a visitor who had never attended their church before.

"My friend," asked the pastor, did you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?"

"Yes," said the visitor, "and after that sermon, I'm about as bored as you can get!"

 

(05/26/2015)

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the burglar red-handed, and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38 (meaning, repent and be baptized...)!"

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman then calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the burglar, he asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "I thought she said she had an axe and two 38's!"

 

(05/23/2015)  A little boy was afraid of the dark.  One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.  The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there.  It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son.  "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained.  "Jesus is out there.  He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"  "Yes, I 'm sure.  He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little.  Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus?  If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?

 

(05/22/2015) 

Melinda asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Mitchell's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

"The flight to Egypt," said Mitchell.

"I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Melinda said, "but who's the fourth person?"

"Oh, that's Pontius-the Pilot."

 

(05/18/2015)  A student was sitting outside his university classroom, reading God's Word, when his atheistic professor walked by and happened to hear the student exclaim, "Wow! Praise the Lord!" Intrigued, the professor asked the student what had him so excited. "Well," the student replied, "I just read how God parted the waters of the Red Sea so the Jewish people could pass to safety." The professor calmly explained that in actuality there was a mistranslation and the Red Sea where the crossing actually took place was, at that time of year, only about three inches deep. Confident he had handled the situation, the professor went to retrieve something from his office. Upon his return a minute or two later, he again passes the student as once more the student loudly exclaims,"Wow! Praise the Lord!" Interested, the professor asks the student what is so fascinating this time. The student responds, "I just read how God drowned the entire Egyptian army in just three inches of water!"

 

(05/16/2015) 

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment of bringing something to represent their religion.       
The first student got in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is the Star of David."       
 The second student got in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is the Crucifix."       
The third student got in front of the class and said, " My name is Tommy and I am Baptist and this is a casserole."

 

05/14/2015) 

At the end of the age when all the believers were standing in line waiting to get into heaven, God appeared and said, "I want all the men to form two lines. One line will be for the men who were the true heads of their households. The other will be for the men who were dominated by their wives."

God continued, "I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

The women left and the men formed two lines. The line of men who were dominated by their wives was seemingly unending. The line of men who were the true head of their household had one man in it.

God said to the first line, "You men ought to be ashamed or yourselves. I appointed you to be the heads of your households and you were disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose. Of all of you, there is only one man who obeyed me. Learn from him."

Then God turned to the lone man and asked, "How did you come to be in this line?

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

 

 

(05/09/2015)  Two well worn bills arrived at the Federal Reserve Bank to be retired - a twenty and a one. As they traveled down the conveyor belt, they struck up a conversation. The twenty reminisced about the interesting life he had, traveling all over the country. "I've been to the finest restaurants, Broadway shows, Las Vegas , Atlantic City ," he said. "I even want on a Caribbean cruise. Where have you been?" "Oh," said the one dollar bill, "I've been to the Methodist church, the Episcopal church, the Lutheran church." "What's a church?" asked the twenty.

(05/07/2015)  A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon." How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

 

(05/05/2015)  An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their doctor to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.     
      When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"     
      "Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"     
      "Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."     
      "Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"     
      "OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.     
      "Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."     
      With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.     
      Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey, where's the toast?"

 

(05/04/2015)  A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.  "What denomination?" asked the clerk.  "Oh, my goodness! Have we come to this?" said the woman.  "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic!"

 

04/26/2015)  Scientist’s wife suggests accepting God if He’s sciency enough.  The scientist's wife is actually serious, but the article is pretty funny.

 

(4/9/2015) Media expertise regarding Christianity - If they don't know more about other subjects than they do Christianity, why should we pay any attention to them?

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