Humor

Oct-Dec 2015

 

(12/31/2015) 

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 P. M. And getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom.

The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict.

When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"


The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? They're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

 

(12/30/2015)  

Stock Market Investment tips for 2016

 

Get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2016.

  • Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

  • Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly Warner Cracker.

  • 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood.

  • Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

  • FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

(12/29/2015)  

Two guys were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

 

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

 

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said one of the guys, "but we don't have a ladder."


The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

 

The other guy shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a woman! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

 

(12/28/2015)  

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."


"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

 

"I know all that."

 

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

 

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

 

(12/27/2015) 

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws:

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

The probability of the bread falling with the butter down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpeting

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

 

Mrs. Murphy's corollary: Murphy was an optimist

 

(12/25/2015)  

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc.

 

His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."

 

The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."

 

(12/24/2015)  

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

 

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”

 

The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”

 

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”

 

(12/23/2015)  

What would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men?

 

They would have asked for directions

 

They would have arrived on time

 

They would help deliver the baby

 

They would clean the stable

 

They would make a casserole

 

They would have brought practical gifts

 

And there would be peace on earth!

 

(12/22/2015)  

The burial service for the elderly woman climaxed with a massive clap of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder.

 

"Well," said her husband to the shaken pastor when it ended, "she’s there."

 

(12/21/2015)  

When a woman found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news.

 

One day later that week, she took her 4 year old son, Sam, out shopping. A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby.

 

"Yes", he said. "I know what we're going to name it. If it is a girl, we're calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we're going to call it quits.

 

(12/20/2015)  

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line." 

 

(12/19/2015)  

A Saudi prince goes to America to study. A month later, he e-mails his father: “New York is wonderful, but I’m ashamed to go to school in my gold Mercedes because all my teachers travel by subway.”

 

A few minutes later, his dad writes back: “Stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a subway too!”

 

(12/18/2015)  

A member of a diet club bemoaned her lack of will-power. She’d made her family’s favorite cake over the weekend, she explained, and they’d eaten half of it.

 

The next day, however, the uneaten half beckoned. She cut herself a slice. Then another, and another. By the time she’d polished off the cake, she knew her husband would be disappointed.

 

"What did he say when he found out?" one club member asked.

 

"He never found out," she said. "I made another cake and ate half."

 

(12/17/2015)  So God Made a Liberal… the Hilarious Send Up of Paul Harvey’s “God Made a Farmer”  Pretty funny.

 

(12/17/2015)  

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district-court judge found the perfect green tie to match one of her husband’s sport jackets. Soon after, while the couple was relaxing at a resort complex to get his mind off a complicated cocaine-conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the tie.

 

The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a "bug" planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters in Washington, D.C., for analysis. Two weeks later, the judge phoned Washington to find out the results of their tests.

 

"We’re not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays ‘Jingle Bells.’ "

 

(12/16/2015) 

Two convicts are working on a chain gang. "I heard the warden’s daughter up and married a guy down on cellblock D," the first convict says to the other. "The warden’s mighty upset about it too."

 

"Why?" asks the second prisoner. "Because she married a convict?"

 

"No. Because they eloped."


(12/15/2015)  FDR's Pearl Harbor Infamy speech, as Obama would deliver it today.  Pretty funny, though he left out the part about being on 'the wrong side of history.'

 

(12/14/2015)  

One friend complained to another, "All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds."

 

"If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?" asked the second friend.

 

"I’d like to lose another 15 pounds first."

 

(12/13/2015) 

Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. That evening, he decides to go out.

 

"Want to grab a drink?" he asks the centipede. But there’s no answer from the box. A few minutes later, he asks again—still no reply. Finally, he hollers, "Hey! Do you want to get a drink?"

 

"I heard you the first time!" says a small, irritated voice. "I’m putting on my shoes!"

 

(12/12/2015)   

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”

 

“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.

 

“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

 

(12/11/2015)  

A Scottish mother visits her son in his New York City apartment and asks, “How do you find the Americans, Donald?”

 

“Mother,” says Donald, “they’re such noisy people. One neighbor won’t stop banging his head against the wall, while the other screams and screams all night long.”

 

“Oh, Donald! How do you manage to put up with them?”

 

“What can I do? I just lie in bed quietly, playing my bagpipes.”

 

(12/10/2015)  

Lenny tells the psychiatrist, “Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it.”

 

“Come to me three times a week for two years, and I’ll cure your fears,” says the shrink. “And I’ll charge you only $200 a visit.”

 

Lenny says he’ll think about it. Six months later, he runs into the doctor, who asks why he never came back.

 

“For $200 a visit?” says Lenny. “A friend cured me for $10.”

 

“Is that so! How?”

 

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”

 

(12/09/2015)  

Once upon a time, an American company and a Japanese company decided to have an annual boat race on the Bear River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. Each year on the big day, they both felt as ready as they could be.


The Japanese always won by a mile!

 

Afterwards the American team became very discouraged by the losses and morale began to sag. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found.

 

A "Continuous Improvement Team" was established to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.


THEIR CONCLUSION: The problem was that the Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering, whereby the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. An "American Corporate Steering Committee" was formed and immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some time and millions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing.


To prevent losing to the Japanese again, the American team's management structure was totally reorganized to three Steering Directors, three Steering Managers, and two Steering Supervisors. Also a new performance system for the person rowing the boat was developed to give more incentive to work harder. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment. That ought to do it."


The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.


Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower to "cut costs", sold all of the paddles, canceled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, gave a "Superior Performance" award to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

 

And that's how government works!

 

(12/08/2015)  

A kleptomaniac woman had been caught shoplifting in a supermarket and had to appear in court, taking along her long-suffering husband for marital support.


The prosecution proved that the theft had taken place so the judge told her that, considering her record, he was forced to impose a jail term. "This time you stole a can of tomatoes. There were six tomatoes in the can. Do you agree?"


The woman agreed.


"Then I sentence you to six nights in jail."


The husband jumped to his feet, addressing the judge, "Your honor, may I approach the bench?"


"Well," said his honor, "this is somewhat unusual but I will make an exception in this case. You may approach the bench."


The husband wasted no time getting there and, leaning forward, he said in a low voice, "She also stole a can of peas."

 

(12/07/2015)  

Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others including Love. One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all repaired their boats and left. 

Love wanted to persevere until the last possible moment. When the island was almost sinking, Love decided to ask for help.

 

Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said, "Richness, can you take me with you?" Richness answered, "No, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you."


Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel, "Vanity, please help me!" "I can't help you Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat." Vanity answered.

 

Sadness was close by so Love asked for help, "Sadness, let me go with you." "Oh.... Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!"

 

Happiness passed by Love too, but he was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her!


Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come, Love, I will take you." It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that she even forgot to ask the elder his name. When they arrived at dry land, the elder went his own way. Love realizing how much she owed the elder, asked Knowledge, another elder, "Who helped me?"

 

"It was Time," Knowledge answered.

 

"Time?" asked Love. "But why did Time help me?

 

Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered, "Because, only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."

 

(12/06/2015)  

A local business was looking for office help and put up a sign saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."


A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.


The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."


The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.


The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."


The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."


The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.


The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."


The dog looked at him and said, "Meow."

 

(12/05/2015)  

Larry was a photographer for the N.Y. Times, and was scheduled to meet a plane on the runway to take him on a job.

 

“Hit it,” said Larry climbing into the first plane he saw on the runway.

 

The pilot took off, and was soon in the air.

 

“OK,” said Larry, “fly low over the trees over there, I want to take a few pictures.”

 

“What do you mean?” asked the pilot.

 

Larry looked at the pilot and answered a little annoyed, “I need to take some pictures for the N.Y. Times, so please…..”

 

There was a long pause, before the pilot asked in a shaky voice, “you mean you’re not my pilot instructor?”

 

(12/04/2015)  

A boss asked one of his employees, "Do you believe in life after death?"

 

"Yes, sir," replied the new employee.

 

"I thought you would," said the boss. "Yesterday after you left to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"

 

(12/03/2015)  

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 

(12/02/2015)  

The California State Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the Yosemite and Mammoth areas.

 

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bear unexpectedly. They also advise carrying pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

 

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity and know the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

 

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

 

(12/01/2015)  

I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my best friend Jeff. I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the craziest dream the other night. Jeff listened as I told him that the dream consisted of just one thing. A huge glowing number "5". It was made of gold and sparkled with shiny diamonds. Jeff's curiosity was peaked. I went on to say that the first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the daily racing digest and look up the 5th race.

 

Jeff raised an eyebrow. I told him that the #5 horse in the 5th race was named "The 5th Element."

Jeff started grinning. Then I told him point-by-point what I did that entire day.

 

I ate 5 bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank 5 cups of coffee

I went for a 5 mile jog to clear my head

I took a 5 minute shower to rinse off

I dressed in the 5th suit I found in my closet

I sat in my car for 5 minutes before starting it

I drove to the racetrack and parked in the 5th stall in the 5th row

I entered through the 5th admissions gate

I bought 5 programs

I went to the 5th betting window and bet $555 on the 5th horse in the 5th race

I went and sat in the 5th row of the bleachers making sure there were 5 people sitting on both sides of me.

I settled in and waited for the race to start.

 

"Well," said Jeff. "Did your horse win??"

 

I frowned at Jeff and said, "Stupid horse came in 5th."

 

(11/30/2015)  

A state trooper pulled over a car going just 19 miles per hour on the highway. As the officer approached the car, he noticed it was two elderly women and they both looked very pale and wide-eyed.

 

"Good afternoon ladies. Do you know why I am pulling you over?" asked the trooper.

 

"I'm terribly sorry if I did something wrong but I know I was not speeding" said the driver.

 

"Well, that is true, you weren't speeding...but you were going entirely too slow on a highway and that is equally as dangerous."

 

"No, Officer. I was going exactly the speed limit...19 miles per hour!"

 

The trooper laughed a little to himself. "Maam', this is Highway 19. That is not the speed limit, but simply the number of this highway."

 

Very embarrassed, the elderly driver grinned and thanked the trooper over and over for informing her of the mistake.

 

"But before I let you go, I have to ask... are you guys feeling okay? You both look awfully shaken."

 

"Oh sure, we'll be fine. We just got off of Highway 120"

 

(11/29/2015)  

Billy's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the acting roles for the school play were being posted that day, he asked Billy if he got a part.

 

Billy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

 

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

 

(11/28/2015)  

Norman is 89 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement over 20 years ago. One day he arrives home upset. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight is so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where the dang thing goes."

 

His wife sympathizes and makes him a hot cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one last try."

 

"That's a terrible idea" says Norman, "your brother's 102 years old. How could he help?"

 

 

"He may be 102 years old", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

Norman figured he'd give it a try So the next day he heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"

 

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

 

"Where did it go?" says Norman.

 

"Where did what go? Do I know you?"

 

(11/27/2015)  

During a visit to the local mental institute, John asked the Director during a tour how to determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

 

"It's simple actually," said the Director. "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a Teaspoon, a Teacup and a Bucket to the patient. We ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

 

"Ohhhh, I understand. "Obviously a normal person would choose the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

 

"No. A normal person would pull the plug and let it drain. Do you want a bed near the window?"

 

(11/26/2015)  

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called David, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

 

David clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

 

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

 

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

 

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID Ten T error?

What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

 

David grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

 

"No", I replied.

 

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

 

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

 

I used to like that little boy.

 

(11/25/2015) 

An 86 year-old man is out fishing. He was sitting in his boat when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up!"

 

He looked around and did not see any one. He thought he was dreaming until he heard the voice again. "Pick me up."

 

The old man looked in the water and there, floating on a lilly pad was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?" 

 

The frog replied, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."

 

The man looked at the frog for a minute in confusion, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

 

The frog screamed, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride!"

 

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

 

(11/24/2015)  

Passengers on a small plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them the pilots will be there soon, and then the flight can take off.

 

Finally the entrance opens, and two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a white cane.

 

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

 

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

 

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane really is in good hands.

 

Meanwhile, in the cockpit, the pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, "You know, Jim one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

 

(11/23/2015)  

On his 60th birthday, Jeff bought himself a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

 

"This is great," he thought as he roared down the Florida highway. He decided to see how fast this baby could really go pushing the pedal to the metal. He looked in his rear view mirror and saw a State Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

 

"I can get away from him with no problem" Jeff thought as he flew down the road at over 150 mph.

 

But then it suddenly hit him. "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."

 

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the car.

 

"Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

 

Jeff looked at the Trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper...I thought you were bringing her back"

 

"Have a great day," said the Trooper.

 

(11/22/2015)  

Psychology 101- Behavior Experiment


You start with a cage containing four monkeys, and inside the cage you hang a banana on a string, and then you place a set of stairs under the banana. Before long a monkey will go to the stairs and climb toward the banana.  You then spray ALL the monkeys with cold water.

 

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt. As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray ALL the monkeys with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

 

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new monkey. The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs.

To his shock, ALL of the other monkeys beat him up. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted.

 

Next, remove another of the original four monkeys, replacing it with a new monkey. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes

part in the punishment - with enthusiasm -- because he is now part of the "team."

 

Then, replace a third original monkey with a new monkey, followed by the fourth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Now, the monkeys

that are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs. Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. Having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, not one of the monkeys will try

to climb the stairway for the banana.

 

Why, you ask? Because in their minds, that is the way it has always been!

 

This is how today's government operates, and this is why, from time to time, ALL of the monkeys need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME!

 

DISCLAIMER: This is meant as no disrespect to monkeys.

 

(11/21/2015)  

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.

 

All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.

 

This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

 

(11/20/2015)  

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for my new dress. How much does it cost?"

 

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk on his face.

"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

 

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

 

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old man behind her, and smiled, "Grandpa's gonna pay the bill."

 

(11/19/2015)  

A doctor and an engineer entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking around, the doctor stole 3 chocolate bars.

 

As they left the store, the doctor said to the engineer, "Man! I'm the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no one saw me. You can't beat that."

 

The engineer replied, "Okay, you wanna see something better? Let's go back to the store and I'll show you real stealing."

 

So they both went up to the counter and the engineer said to the shop boy, "Hey, would you like to see some magic?"

 

The shop boy replied, "Yes!"

 

The engineer said, "Give me one chocolate bar." The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it... He asked for the second, and he ate that one as well. He asked for the third, and finished that one too.

 

The shop boy asked, "Okay, what are you trying to pull here? Where's the magic?"

 

The engineer replied, "Check in my friend's pocket. You'll find all three bars."

 

(11/16/2015)  

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and before you could snap your fingers it exploded into flames and the alarm went out to the volunteer fire departments from miles around.

 

When the volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out intact."

 

The fire chief ordered his men to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two hours of fighting the fire another fire department was called in and the president of the chemical company offered $100,000 to the firefighters who could bring out the company's secret files.

 

From the distance, a long siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little fire engine raced past everyone and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off their rig and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

 

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, fire fighters.

 

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

 

"Well," said the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we' re going to do is fix the brakes on the fire truck."

 

(11/13/2015)  

There were four University sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an A so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to school until early Monday morning.

 

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

 

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them each the 100 point exam. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy. Then they turned the page. On the second page was written...

 

For 95 points: Which tire? ____

 

(11/12/2015) 

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement – not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the perfect dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

 

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother. Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

 

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

 

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

 

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

 

(11/10/2015)  

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"

 

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

 

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

 

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

 

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."

 

(11/09/2015) 

A homeless man knocks on a woman's door. "Think you could spare a few bucks? Maybe some food?"

 

The woman thinks to herself for a few seconds, then says, "You could do some handy work around here. I'll give you $30 if you paint my porch. There's some green paint and a brush right around the corner there, have at it."

 

He thanks her, and heads towards the bucket. She returns inside and resumes her knitting. After about an hour, she gets up to check on his progress. She sees no man, and the porch hasn't been touched. Just then, she hears knocking again at her door. She is greeted by the same man, green paint splattered on his clothes and in his beard, a wide grin on his face.

 

"All done ma'am. And by the way, it's a Cadillac, not a Porsche."

 

(11/08/2015)  

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.

 

Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den.

 

The man starts screaming, "HELP!! HELP!!!"

 

Suddenly a lion pounces on him from behind and whispers in his ear, "If you don't shut up you're going to get us both fired."

 

(11/06/2015)  

After 30 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

 

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.

 

The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

 

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I go fishing."

 

(11/05/2015) 

The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name, sailor?"

 

"John," the new seaman replied.

 

"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy stuff they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, Jackson, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Master Chief.’ Do I make myself clear?"

 

"Aye, Aye, Master Chief!"

 

"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"

 

The seaman sighed. "Darling, My name is John Darling, Master Chief."

 

"Okay, John, here's what I want you to do ...."

 

(11/04/2015)  

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor. They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.

 

As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.

 

A few minutes later, a man on his way home passed near the cemetery gate and heard a voice saying: "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you."

 

He immediately ran as fast as he could to a church nearby. "Father, please come with me. Come and witness God and Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery."

 

They both ran back to the cemetery gate and the voice continued: "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you." Suddenly, the voice stopped counting and said: "What about the two at the gate?"

 

(11/03/2015) 

An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner.  During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was.  Over the course of the evening, he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye.

 

Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elder priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional.

 

About a week later the housekeeper went to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.  You don't suppose  he took it, do you?" 

 

The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure."  So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle.  But fact remains that one has been missing ever since your visit."

 

Several days later, the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read, "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper.  But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."

 

(11/01/2015)  

A priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper behavior for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.

 

"Don't play with your food," one second-grader cited.

 

"Don't be loud," said another, and so on.

 

"And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?" the priest inquired of one little boy.

 

Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap."

 

(10/31/2015)  

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

 

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

 

"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

 

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

 

(10/30/2015)  

10 Things You Never Hear in Church:

  1. Hey! It's MY turn to sit on the front pew!

  2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went over time 25 minutes.

  3. Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

  4. I've decided to give our church the $500.00 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

  5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

  6. Forget the denominational minimum salary: let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

  7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

  8. Since we're all here, let's start the worship service early!

  9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

  10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

 

(10/29/2015)  

Two bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

 

"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."

 

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.

 

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -- 'Take a clean dish...'

 

(10/28/2015)  

Once there was a girl who wanted a boyfriend. Her mom wanted to help her, so she set up a blind date for her daughter.

When the girl got back from the date she said "That was the worst night of my life!"

"Why is that?" her mom asked.

"He owns a 1922 Rolls Royce!"

"Isn't that a good thing?"

"Mom, he's the original owner!"

 

(10/26/2015)  

A guy came home to his wife and said: "Guess what? I've found a great job. A 10am start, 2pm finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $800 a week!"

 

"That's great," his wife said.

 

"Yeah, I thought so too," he agreed. "You start Monday."

 

(10/25/2015)  

After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking was helping.

 

His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.

 

In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, and then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"

 

(10/24/2015) 

A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH.

 

He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up. The man noticed the chicken had three legs. He followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. As he got out of his car, he noticed all the chickens had three legs.

 

He asked the farmer "What's up with these chickens?"

 

The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs. I bred a three legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire."

 

The man asked him how they tasted.

 

The farmer said "Don't know, haven't caught one yet.

 

(10/23/2015) 

Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course.

 

But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.

 

"Madam," he explained, "This is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."

 

"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all!"

 

(10/22/2015)  

When a mother saw a thunderstorm forming in mid-afternoon, she worried about her seven-year-old daughter who would be walking the three blocks from school to home.

 

Deciding to meet her, the mother saw her daughter walking nonchalantly along, stopping to smile whenever lightning flashed.

 

Seeing her mother, the little girl ran to her, explaining happily, "All the way home, God's been taking my picture!"

 

(10/21/2015)  

There were 11 people hanging on to a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men and one woman.

 

They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go.

 

Finally the woman gave a really touching speech on how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children and giving in to men.

 

All of the men started clapping.

 

(10/20/2015) 

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen.

 

After several minutes, Morris had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

 

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."

 

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

 

(10/19/2015)  

An irate senior citizen called the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

'Ma'am, said the employee, today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered 'til  Sunday.'

There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.

'So that's why no one was in church today.'

 

(10/17/2015)  

One summer, a drought threatened the crop in a small town. On a hot and dry Sunday, the village parson told his congregation, "There isn't anything that will save us except to pray for rain. Go home, pray, believe, and come back next Sunday ready to thank God for sending rain."

 

The people did as they were told and returned to church the following Sunday. But as soon as the parson saw them, he was furious.

 

"We can't worship today. You do not yet believe," he said.

 

"But," they protested, "we prayed, and we do believe."

 

"Do you?" he asked. "Then where are your umbrellas?"

 

(10/16/2015) 

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, You're the father of twins."

 

"What a coincidence" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

 

The nurse returned a little while later and turned to the second man, "You sir, are the father of triplets."

 

"Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation." My buddies at work will never let me live this one down.

 

An hour later, while the other two men enjoying celebratory cigars, the nurse came back, this time she turn to the 3rd man - who had been quiet in the corner and announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. When the man didn't reply the nurse asked "Don't tell me another coincidence?"

After regaining his composure, the man said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

 

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly came back to consciousness. When he was finally able to speak, he kept whispering the same phrase over and over again.

"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up... I should have never taken that job at 7-Up... I should have never taken that job at 7-Up... "

 

(10/13/2015)  

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.

 

(10/09/2015) 

A senior citizen and his wife decide to take a course being offered to help with their failing memory. The course lasted two weeks and they thoroughly enjoyed it.

 

After arriving home the day the course ended, the man was out getting the mail from the mailbox when his neighbor asked him who taught the course.

 

The old man said, "Uh, what is the name of that flower that smells so nice but has prickly thorns on it?"

 

The neighbor says, "A rose?"

 

The old man says, "Yeh, that's it" and then turns to the house and yells, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of that instructor?"

 

(10/06/2015)  

Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.


When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven."


The boy replied, "I don't think I'll be there... You don't even know your way to the post office."

 

(10/05/2015)  

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. 
His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. 
He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.


He begins to pray... "God, please help me. 
I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. 
Please let me win the lotto."


Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.


Joe again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! 
I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".


Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.


Once again, he prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? 
I've lost my business, my house, and my car. 
My wife and children are starving. 
I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. 
PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."


Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself:


"Joe, you have to meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

 

(10/04/2015)  

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother. 
His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. 
It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.


His grandmother remarked... "doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? 
Did you know God painted this just for you?"


Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."


This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him 
"What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"


"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"

 

(10/03/2015)  

Three pastors went to a pastor's convention and were all sharing one room.  The first pastor said, "Let's confess our secret sins one to another. 


I'll start - my secret sin is I just love to gamble. When I go out of town, it's cha-ching cha-ching, let the machines ring."


The second pastor said, "My secret sin is that I just hate working. I copy all my sermons from those given by other pastors."


The third pastor said, "My secret sin is gossiping and, oh boy, I just can't wait to get out of this room!"

 

(10/02/2015)  Letter from Mom:

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.

 

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.

 

I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

 

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

 

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

 

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

 

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

 

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

 

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

 

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

 

(10/01/2015)  

Moses and Jesus are part of a Threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulls up to the tee and drives a long one. The ball lands on the fairway, but rolls directly toward a water trap. Quickly, Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball rolls to the other side,
safe and sound.

 

Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It lands right in the center of the pond and kind of hovers over the water. Jesus casually walks out on the water and chips the ball right up onto the green.

 

Then, the third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there, it bounces onto the roof of a shack close by and rolls down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the fore mentioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad, where it comes quietly to rest. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumps on the lily pad and snatches the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swoops down, grabs the frog and flies away. As they pass over the green, the from squeals with fright and drops the ball, which bounces right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.

 

Moses leans over toward Jesus and whispers, Do you think your Dad would teach me that shot?"

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