(06/30/2016)

On land by the Cheyenne River, an enterprising Native American founded a business manufacturing crepe paper. Using modern equipment and Internet marketing, he established a reputation for quality paper printed with traditional tribal designs.

 

As word of this unique product spread, it reached the ears of a New York gourmet chef who was planning a retirement party for a friend. Logging on to the Internet, he ordered what he thought was going to be twenty sets of designer-pattern crepe paper. However, when the shipment arrived, it turned out that the order had been incorrectly entered as twenty cases of crepe paper.

 

Assuming his habitual restaurant demeanor, he bellowed at an assistant: "Send this back! The crepe Sioux sets have been grossly overdone."

 

(06/29/2016) 

A stockbroker's secretary answered the telephone: "I'm sorry, Mr. Johnson is on another line."

 

The caller said: "This is Mr. Stewart. I just wanted to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."

 

"He's talking to his wife," said the secretary. "Right now I'd say he was sheepish."

 

(06/28/2016) 

A teacher asked her young class: "Give me a sentence about a public servant."

 

One boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

 

The teacher called the boy to one side to correct him. "Jamie," she said, "do you know what the word pregnant means?"

 

"Yes," replied Jamie. "It means carrying a child."

 

(06/27/2016) 

A tough old cowboy told his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

 

The grandson did this religiously and lived to the age of ninety-eight. When he died, he left sixteen children, twenty-nine grandchildren, thirty-seven great grandchildren, and a fifteen-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

 

(06/26/2016) 

After losing another tooth, seven-year-old James became more curious about the elusive tooth fairy. Finally putting two and two together, he came right out and asked his mother if she was the tooth fairy.

 

Thinking that he was now old enough to hear the truth, she confessed: "Yes, I am."

 

James thought about this revelation for a moment and then said: "So how do you get into the other kids' houses?"

 

(06/25/2016) 

A man went to a hardware store and bought a chainsaw that was guaranteed to cut through six trees in an hour.

 

The following day he took it back to the store and complained: "That chainsaw is useless! It took me all day just to cut down one tree."

 

To find out what the problem was, the salesman took the chainsaw and started it up.

 

The man looked startled and said: "What's that noise?"

 

(06/24/2016) 

It was the first day of a big sale at the city's leading department store. Determined bargain hunters had been lining up all night so that by 8:30 in the morning the line stretched completely around the block.

 

Amid the anticipation and impatience, a small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be shoved back by the irate shoppers. When he tried again to barge his way forward, he was punched in the face for his trouble and thrown back to the end of the line.

 

As he got to his feet for the second time, he said to one of the shoppers: "I've had enough! If they hit me one more time, I'm not going to open the stupid store."

 

(06/23/2016)

A tough old lawyer was diagnosed with a terminal illness. He was determined to disprove the old saying "You can't take it with you." In order that he could take at least some of his money with him when he died, he instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw a sufficient amount of cash to fill two pillowcases. He then told her to take the bags of money up to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to Heaven.

 

A couple of months after the funeral, his wife, while cleaning the attic, came across the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.

 

"Silly old fool," she said. "I knew he should have put the money in the basement."

 

(06/22/2016) 

The pastor of a local church phoned the city newspaper office and told them: "Thank you very much for the error you made when you printed my sermon title on the church page of the newspaper. The topic I sent you was 'What Jesus Saw In A Publican.' You printed it as "What Jesus Saw In A Republican.' I had the largest congregation of the year."

 

(06/21/2016)

A honeymoon couple stayed at the famous Watergate Hotel in Washington D.C. Remembering the Richard Nixon scandal that involved the hotel, the bride was worried in case the place was still bugged with recording devices, so she asked her new husband to search the room thoroughly.

 

He looked behind the curtains, under the bed, in the closets, and finally under the rug. And there, beneath the rug, he found a mysterious disc with four screws. Using his Swiss army knife, he managed to take out the screws and then threw the disc out the window.

 

The following morning as they were checking out, the manager asked: "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"

 

"Why so many questions?" asked the husband.

 

"Well," said the manager, "the room below you complained that the chandelier fell on them."

 

(06/20/2016)  

A widow in New York City decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her lawyer that she wanted to be cremated and that she wanted her ashes to be scattered all over Bloomingdale's.

 

"Why Bloomingdales?" asked the lawyer

 

"That way I can be sure by daughters will visit me twice a week."

 

(06/19/2016) 

A big game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, the husband and wife were sitting around the campfire having supper when the wife realized that her mother was missing. The hunter picked up his rifle and, with his wife close behind, set off into the jungle to look for the missing mother.

 

After searching for over an hour, they finally spotted the mother-in-law backed up against a cliff with a huge lion facing her.

 

"What are we going to do?" shrieked the wife.

 

"Nothing," said the husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him figure it out."

 

(06/18/2016) 

Having missed the last bus, a teenage girl was forced to stay at a friend's house overnight. Knowing that her mother would be worried sick, she called home first thing in the morning to let her mother know that she was okay and safe.

 

The words came out in a breathless torrent, "Mom, it's Emma. I'm fine. I knew you'd be worried but I didn't get a chance to call you last night. I missed the last bus and by the time I got back to Sophie's house, I knew you'd have gone to bed and I didn't want to wake you. Please don't be mad with me."

 

By now, the woman on the other end of the phone realized that the caller had gotten the wrong number. "I'm sorry," she said, "I don't have a daughter named Emma."

 

"Gee, Mom, I didn't think you'd be this mad!"

 

(06/17/2016) 

One day, God decided to descend to earth for a good look around. He was walking along when he met a man crying by the side of the road. "Why are you crying?" asked God.

 

The man exclaimed, "I am blind and have never seen a sunset."

 

With that, God touched him and gave him vision. The man immediately stopped crying and praised God.

 

Further along the road, God met another man sobbing by the roadside. "Why are you so sad?" asked God.

 

"I have been crippled since birth and will never be able to walk," said the man.

 

So God touched him and restored the use of his limbs. The man stopped crying and also praised God.

 

Half a mile further along the road, God met another man in floods of tears. "Why are you crying? asked God.

 

"I'm a teacher at an inner-city elementary school," the man said.

 

God sat down and cried with him.

 

(06/15/2016) 

A conscientious student stayed up all night to prepare for a zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten bird cages, each partially covered with a sheet so only the birds' legs were visible.

 

The new professor announced that the students had to identify the different species of bird purely from looking at their legs.

 

Having spent the night poring over textbooks, the student thought he knew the subject by heart - the Latin names, the habitats, the nesting sites - but he certainly did not expect anything as silly as having to recognize birds by their legs. He said the task was ridiculous and impossible, but the professor was unmoved.

 

Eventually in sheer frustration, the student tore up the test paper and stormed towards the classroom door.

 

"Hey, you! shouted the professor. "Where do you think you're going? What's your name?"

 

The student rolled up his trouser legs and said: "You tell me!"

 

(06/14/2016) 

An archeologist was digging in a desert in Israel when he found a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a world-famous museum to report excitedly: "I've just discovered a three thousand year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure."

 

The curator replied: "Bring it in and we'll check it out."

 

A month later, the curator called the archeologist. "That's amazing. You were right on about the mummy's age and cause of death. How on earth did you know?"

 

"Easy," said the archeologist. "There was a piece of paper in his hand that said '10,000 shekels on Goliath'."

 

(06/13/2016) 

For once in his life, the real estate agent decided to be honest with a prospective house-buyer. "This property has its good and bad points. There is a chemical plant one block to the north and a slaughterhouse one block to the south."

 

"Well, what are its good points?" asked the client.

 

"You can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

 

(06/11/2016) 

Back in the 1920's, there was no such thing as sliced bread. That is, until a customer at a small bakery complained that she had cut her hand while slicing a loaf of bread and said that in the future, she wanted the baker to slice it for her.

 

The baker was happy to oblige and the pre-sliced bread proved so popular that soon the whole village was asking for it. The demand became so high that the baker started using a longer knife so that he could slice tow - and then three - loaves at a time.

 

Determined to keep pace with his increasing trade, he then began searching for a knife long enough to slice four loaves simultaneously, but was unable to find one long enough. For weeks on end, he visited every hardware shop in the area but was still unable to find a knife capable of slicing four loaves.

 

Then one day while he and his wife were visiting a neighboring town, something in a shop window across the street caught his eye. As he walked over and stared intently into the window, his wife came up next to him and asked what had so captured his attention.

 

Excitedly the baker replied: "I'm looking over a four loaf cleaver that I overlooked before."

 

(06/10/2016) 

Fred was continually plagued by his neighbor always asking to borrow things. One morning he saw his neighbor approaching his front door and was ready for him.

 

"Can I borrow your power saw this morning?" asked the neighbor.

 

"Afraid not," replied Fred gleefully. "I'll be using it all day."

 

"In that case, your won't be using your golf clubs. Mind if I borrow them?"

 

(06/09/2016) 

A husband was standing on the bathroom scales, desperately holding his stomach in.

 

His wife, thinking he was trying to reduce his weight, remarked: "I don't think that will help."

 

"It does," he said. "It's the only way I can read the numbers."

 

(06/08/2016) 

A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store where, in addition to the carefully prepared list of healthy items, they bought a box of sugar-rich cookies. When they arrived home and unpacked the groceries, his wife immediately glared at the cookiess.

 

"It's okay, honey," he said. "This box of cookies has one-third fewer calories than usual."

 

"How is that?" she asked.

 

"Because we ate a third of them on the way home."

 

(06/07/2016) 

Grossly overweight, a man was berated by his co-workers into going on a diet. For three weeks he resisted temptation, even changing his route to work to avoid going past his favorite bakery.

 

But then one day, to the dismay of his workmates, he turned up at the office clutching a huge chocolate cake.

 

When his colleagues confronted him, he was quick with an explanation. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there were loads of tasty treats in the window. I felt this was fate, so I prayed to God that if he wanted me to have one of those delicious chocolate cakes, He would show me a sign by letting there be a parking space directly in front of the bakery. And sure enough, the eighth time around the block, there it was!"

 

(06/05/2016) 

A pastor was walking down the street when he came upon a group of young boys who were crowded around a mangy dog. Concerned that the boys might be mistreating the animal, he went over asked them what they were doing.

 

One of the boys replied: "The dog in an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but since only one of us can take him home today, we're having a contest. Whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today.

 

The pastor was horrified! "You boys shouldn't be having a contest about telling lies. Don't you know it's a sin to lie?" He then launched into a ten-minute sermon against lying, concluding with the words: "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

 

Stunned into silence, the boys lowered their heads. Just as the pastor thought he had gotten through to them, one of the boys gave a deep sigh and handed him the leash.

 

"All right, Reverend," he said. "You win. You can take him home with you."

 

(06/04/2016) 

A Sunday School teacher was struggling to open the four digit combination lock on the storage cabinet. She had been told the combination, but just could not remember it. In the end, she asked the pastor for help.

 

After the first three numbers, the pastor paused, stared blankly for a moment, and then looked heavenward for divine inspiration. Immediately he came up with the fourth number and opened the cabinet.

 

The teacher gushed: "Pastor, I'm so impressed by your faith."

 

The pastor said: "It's nothing really. You, see, I can never remember the combination either. That's why I wrote the number of a piece of paper and stuck it to the ceiling."

 

(06/03/2016) 

Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when their car ran out of gas. As they stood beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them. Noticing the nun in distress, the truck driver stopped and offered to help them.

 

When the nuns explained that they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some gasoline from his truck, but that he did not have a bucket or a can.

 

One of the nuns produced a clean bedpan from the trunk of their car and asked the trucker if it would do. He said it would and proceeded to drain a gallon of gas into the bedpan. He then handed the bedpan to the sisters, got back into his truck, and waved goodbye.

 

While the nuns were carefully pouring the precious fuel into the tank of their car, a police officer happened to pass by. He stopped and watched them tipping in the contents of the bedpan before remarking: "Sisters, somehow I don't think that's going to work, but I sure do admire your faith."

 

(06/02/2016) 

Each day at sunrise it was the tradition at a monastery for the monks to sing out the solitary work "Morning" from their windows. On one particular day it was business as usual with a chorus of "Morning" ringing out across the monastery until, quite unexpectedly, the word "Evening" was heard from one window.

 

Two monks were strolling in the courtyard below. "Did you hear that, Brother Timothy?" asked one of the monks.

 

"Hear what, Brother Michael?"

 

Brother Michael burst into song, "Someone chanted evening . . ."

 

(05/31/2016) 

On a beautiful summer's day, a father and his eight-year old son were lying on the grass by the riverbank, looking up at the sky and watching the wisps of clouds that floated gently overhead.

 

After a few minutes of silence, the boy turned to his dad and said: "Dad, why are we here?"

 

"That's a good question, son. I think we're here to enjoy days such as this, to enjoy nature in all its glory. The vastness of the sky, the beauty of the trees,, the song of the birds, the rippling flow of the water. We're here to help make the world a better place, to pass on our wisdom to future generations who will hopefully profit from our achievements and learn from our mistakes. We're here to savor the small triumphs of life like passing your school exams, the birth of a new member of the family, a promotion at work, or a win for the home team. And we're here to comfort those dearest to us in times of distress, to provide compassion and kindness, support and strength, to let them know that no matter how bad a situation may seem, they are not alone. Does that answer your question, son?"

 

"Not really, Dad."

 

"No?"

 

"No, what I meant was, why are we here when Mom said to pick her up forty minutes ago."

 

(05/20/2016) 

A hydrogen atom is walking down the street with a friend when he suddenly stops.

 

The friend says, "What's wrong?"

 

The hydrogen atom replies, "I lost my electron!"

 

The friend says, "Are you sure?"

 

The hydrogen atom exclaims, "Yes, I'm positive."

 

The friend laments, "Oh, I thought you were just being negative again."

 

(05/19/2016) 

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." 

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." 

"But, officer, I just wanted to say. . ." 

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" 

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." 

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom." 

 

(05/18/2016) 

A salesman saw a young boy sitting on a porch and said: "Hi, son, is your Mom at home?"

 

"She sure is," replied the boy.

 

The salesman rang on the doorbell, but there was no reply. So he pressed again, and then for a third time. Still no reply.

 

Finally he turned to the boy and said: "I thought you said your Mom was at home?"

 

"She is," answered the boy, "But I don't live here"

 

(05/16/2016) 

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.  Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

 

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

 

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

 

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't.  He just walked in the door."

 

(05/13/2016) 

Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening. The last thing they do is put their cat out.

 

The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in. Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, "My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

 

Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, "Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!"

 

(05/11/2016) 

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about how great their fathers are.

 

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow."

 

The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet."

 

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is works for the government. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!"

 

(05/08/2015) 

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policeman stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. 

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket." 

Amazed, the driver asked what for. 

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion." 

 

(05/05/2016) 

A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows. They get out of the car and look at the problem.

 

The software manager says, "I can't do anything about this -- it's a hardware problem."

 

The hardware manager says, "Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself."

 

The marketing manager says, "Hey, 75% of it is working -- let's ship it!"

 

(05/03/2016)

Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet.

 

Soon another carp came along who stole it, and then a third joined in and stole it.

 

Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."

 

(05/01/2016) 

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. 

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

 

(04/30/2016) 

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. 

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?" 

 

(04/29/2016) 

Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.

Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers.

A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published."

 

(04/28/2016) 

As Bill was approaching mid-life, physically he was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of office work had given him a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him. That does it, he decided. I'm going to start a whole new regimen. He began attending aerobics classes. He started working out with weights. He changed his diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant. In six months, he was a different man. Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted. 

There he was, all dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever had. He stood poised to ring the woman's doorbell, when a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet. As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes toward the heavens and said, "Why, God, why now? After all I've been through, how could you do this to me?" 

From up above, there came a voice, "Sorry. I didn't recognize you." 

 

(04/27/2016) 

An elderly man was headed home in his car one evening, swerving and weaving on the road, when he was stopped by a policeman. "Have you been drinking tonight, sir?" the policeman asked 

. "Well, I may have had a pint or two." The man replied, smiling. "Why do you ask?" 

"Sir, your wife fell out of the car about a mile back." 

"Oh, thank goodness," the man exclaimed. "I thought I'd gone deaf!" 

 

(04/26/2016) 

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be standing close to a gorgeous blonde. 

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!" 

Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl." 

"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did." 

 

(04/25/2016) 

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. 

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. 

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and it was directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." 

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. 

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

 

(04/24/2016) 

The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats. 

The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway. 

"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," a voice intoned. "Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong ... Nothing can go wrong...Nothing can go wrong...."

 

(04/23/2016) 

A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him. 

While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes. 

"I would like an ice-cold Coke right now." He gets his Coke and drinks it.

 

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible." 

Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully.

 

He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd never have to work again."

 

Instantly, he was back in his government office. 

 

(04/22/2016) 

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

 

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

 

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

 

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

 

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

 

(04/21/2016) 

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's office.

 

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation.

 

"Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?"

 

"You would never get through basic training," scoffed another.

 

The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him.

 

When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"

(04/08/2016)  Mexican Drug Cartels Have Created More Shovel-Ready Jobs Than Obama Has.  This is a humor video, but when you get right down to it, it is true since Obama (or any President) really doesn't create jobs.

 

(04/20/2016) 

"Oh, boy! I'm glad you're here," the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother's side.

 

"Why?" she asked.

 

"Because now Daddy will do the trick he's been promising us."

 

"What trick?"

 

"Well, he told Mommy that if you came to visit, he would climb the walls."

 

(04/19/2016) 

From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"

 

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

 

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

 

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

 

(04/18/2016) 

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

 

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

 

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

 

(04/17/2016) 

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

 

(04/16/2016) 

A mother was walking with her four year old daughter one day when the daughter picked up something off the ground and started to put it into her mouth. The mother stopped her and said she shouldn't do that.

 

"Why not," asked the little girl.

 

"Because it’s dirty. It's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been. It probably has germs."

 

The little girl looked up at her mom with admiration and asked, "How do you know so much?"

 

Thinking quickly, the mother said, "All moms know so much. We have to. It's on the Mommy Test. If you don't know it, you don't get to be a mommy."

 

The little girl pondered this for a few minutes, then her face brightened. "I get it!" she said. "If you don't pass the test, you get to be a daddy!"

 

"Yup," said the mom.

 

(04/15/2016) 

A mother was struggling to get the ketchup out of the bottle when the phone rang. She asked her four year old daughter to answer it.

 

She heard her daughter say, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."

 

(04/14/2016) 

Little Philip was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in grade school. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

 

His grandmother commented, "Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery?  Did you know God painted this just for you?"

 

"Yes" replied Philip, "God did it and he did it left handed."

 

This confused his grandmother so she asked him, "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"

"Well", said Philip, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand."

 

(04/12/2016) 

Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high. 

Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes. The second 200 stories, Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story. They then started up the steps

After 2 hours it was Harry's turn. He turned to the other two and said "Ok guys, here's my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.

 

(04/09/2016) 

After the Baptism of his baby brother in church, little Dennis sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.

 

Finally, Dennis replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys."

 

(04/08/2016)  

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"

"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.

"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."

 

(04/05/2016) 

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".

Student: I is the...

Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".

Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

 

(04/04/2016) 

A man visited the vicarage and asked to see the vicar's wife, who was well known for her charity.

 

As he spoke to her he said in a voice breaking with emotion, "I'd like to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district.  The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving.  They are about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone pays their $400.00 in overdue rent."

 

"How frightful!" exclaimed the vicar's wife. "May I ask who you are?"

 

The man wiped his eyes with his handkerchief and wailed, "I'm their landlord."