a time to weep and a time to laugh Ecclesiastes 3:4a (NIV)
Humor & Laughs
Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.
"Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you."
"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."
A journalist was assigned to the Jerusalem bureau of his newspaper. He gets an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. After several weeks he realizes that whenever he looks at the wall he sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously.
The journalist wondered whether there was a publishable story here. He goes down to the wall, introduces himself and says: "You come every day to the wall. What are you praying for?"
The old man replies: "What am I praying for? In the morning I pray for world peace, then I pray for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a glass of tea, and I come back to the wall to pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."
The journalist is taken by the old man's sincerity and persistence. "You mean you have been coming to the wall to pray every day for these things?"
The old man nods.
"How long have you been coming to the wall to pray for these things?"
The old man becomes reflective and then replies: "How long? Maybe twenty, twenty-five years."
The amazed journalist finally asks: "How does it feel to come and pray every day for over 20 years for these things?"
"How does it feel?" the old man replies. "It feels like all I'm doing is talking to a wall."
A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion. "What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.
"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.
"If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest.
"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest, beginning to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."
"And then?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"
"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"
A much loved-minister of God once carried a secret burden of long- past sin deep in his heart. He had committed the sin many years before, during his Bible school training. No one knew what he had done, but they did know he had repented. Even so, he had suffered years of remorse over the incident without any sense of God's forgiveness.
A woman in his church deeply loved God and claimed to have visions in which Jesus Christ spoke to her. The minister, skeptical of her claims, asked her, "The next time you speak to the Lord, would you please ask Him what sin your minister committed while he was in Bible school." The woman kindly agreed.
When she came to the church a few days later the minister asked, "Did He visit you?"
She said, "Yes."
"And did you ask Him what sin I committed?"
"Yes, I asked Him," she replied
"Well, what did He say?"
"He said, 'I don't remember.'"
A new clerk had started working in a supermarket. A customer asked him if she could buy half a grapefruit. Not knowing what to do, he excused himself to ask the manager.
"Some nut out there wants to buy half a grapefruit..." he began, and, suddenly realizing that the customer had entered the office behind him, continued, " ... and this lovely lady would like to buy the other half."
The manager was impressed with the way the clerk amicably resolved the problem and they later started chatting. "Where are you from?" asked the store manager.
"Lancaster, Pennsylvania," replied the clerk, "home of ugly women and great hockey teams."
"Oh, my *WIFE* is from Lancaster," challenged the manager.
Without skipping a beat, the clerk asked, "What team was she on?"
A young man was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.
That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.
As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.
The guy never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.
One afternoon, this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake, a guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures for him to stop.
The guy rolls down the window and says, "How can I help you?"
"I am the red jerk of the highway. You got something to eat?"
With a smile on his face, the guy hands a sandwich to the guy in red and drives away. Not even five minutes later, he comes across another guy. This guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side of the road and waving for him to stop.
A bit irritated, our guy stops, cranks down the window, and says, "What can I do for you?"
"I am the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something to drink?"
Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the guy a can of Coke and stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset, he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what.
To his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of the road, this one dressed in blue and signaling for him to stop. Reluctantly, our guy decides to stop one last time. He rolls down his window, and yells, "Let me guess. You're the blue jerk of the highway, and just what the heck do you wanna have?"
"Driver's license and registration, please."
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
Once there was a woman who had a baby at the age of 85. The neighbor lady across the street was thrilled to see the baby and mama return home from the hospital in perfect health.
Later, the lady ventured across the street to ask to see the newborn babe. She knocked on the door and heard the new mama called out, "Come on in. It's open."
So she went on in and asked the older lady if she could see the baby. The older woman replied, "You can see it in a minute. The baby is sleeping." So they proceeded to have some tea and cookies.
Later, the younger lady looked at her watch and realized that the time had gotten away from them. So, she asked again if she could see the baby. This time the older woman seemed to be a little annoyed. Finally the younger woman said, "I really don't understand why you will not let me see the baby. It has been three hours and I am still waiting to see it."
With that the older woman replied, "I know you have been here for quite some time and have showed remarkable patience with me. The truth is I keep hoping the baby will wake up and start to cry so I can remember where I put it!"
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks,
"Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied,
"Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said,
"So, Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Oh Gosh," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"
An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!".
A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. "Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?" he asked.
"Well, I think I do." she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
“My darling," he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.
She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"
Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The funeral director," said his wife.
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Preacher," said the young man, "I'm sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
A prince had a curse put on him when he was a little boy. He could only speak two words every year. But, if he didn't speak for a whole year, he would then be able to speak four words the next year and so on.
One day he met a princess named Josephine and he wanted to say "My Princess".
The next year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess, i love you".
The third year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess I love you, will you marry me?" But, the young prince, now growing older knew he would have to wait a couple more years.
So, on the fifth year, excited to finally present his question, he visited the princess.
He approached her respectfully and asked, "JOSEPHINE, MY PRINCESS, I LOVE YOU. WILL YOU MARRY ME?"
And the princess said, "Pardon?"
A fruit farmer hired two new workers for his fields, but before he sent them out for the day's work, he told them he had just one rule: don't steal any fruit. The two agreed to obey the rule.
After the day was over, the two workers came in to report to the farmer. He asked them if they had stolen any fruit, and immediately their conscience forced them to tell the truth.
"Yes, we did. We ate some when we got hungry," they said.
The farmer replied, "Ok, here is your punishment. I want each of you to go pick ten of your favorite fruit and come back to me."
The men couldn't believe their ears. This seemed more like a reward than a punishment!
After fifteen minutes, the first thief came back with ten cherries. The farmer promptly told him that as part of his punishment, he would have to stuff each cherry up his nose. The thief was upset about this, but he knew he had done wrong, so he slowly began to push the cherries up his nose one by one.
As he was working on the third cherry, he began to laugh hysterically. The farmer asked him, "What's so funny?"
The thief replied, "The other guy is out there picking watermelons!"
A man comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead.
The guy panics. Thinking his neighbor is going to hate him forever, he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur. He then puts the rabbit back into the cage on the neighbor’s patio in hopes they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside. He asks the guy, “Did you hear that Fluffy died?”
The guy stiffens and says, “Um.. er.. no.. what happened?
The neighbor replies, “We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, we went outside and someone had dug him up, given him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!”
A chicken walks into a library, goes up to a librarian and says, "Book book book." The librarian decides that the chicken wants a book so he gives the chicken a book and the chicken walks away.
About ten minutes later the chicken comes back with the book, looking a bit agitated, saying, "Book book book." The librarian decides the chicken wants another book so he takes the old book back and gives the chicken another book. The chicken walks out the door.
Ten minutes later the chicken comes back again, very agitated, saying, "Book book book!" so quickly it almost sounds like one word. The chicken puts the book on the librarians desk and looks up - waiting for another book. This time the librarian gives the chicken another book and decides that something weird is happening. He follows the chicken out the door and into the park, all the way to the pond.
In the pond is a frog sitting on a lily pad. The chicken gives the book to the frog, who then says, "Reddit, reddit."
Four guys are driving cross-country together. Each man is from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Florida, and New York.
Shortly after the trip begins, the man from Idaho starts pulling potatoes from his bag and throwing them out the window. The man from Nebraska turns to him and asks, “What the are you doing?”
The man from Idaho says, “Man, we have so many of these things in Idaho, I’m sick of looking at them!”
A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins pulling ears of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window.
The Floridian asks “What are you doing that for?”
The Nebraskan replies, “Man, we have so many of these things in Nebraska I’m sick of looking at them!”
Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.
Jennifer watched as the cashier rang up her purchases.
“Cash, check or charge?” She asked after folding the clothing items Jennifer had bought.
As she fumbled for her wallet The cashier noticed a television remote control in her purse.
“Do you always carry your TV remote?” The cashier asked.
“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the best retaliation.”.
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”
A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”
The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”
“Forget it, man, you’ll never hit her from here!”.
Marvin was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common sense.
He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. “I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”
His wife replies, “Why thank you, dear!”.
Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on the man’s shins.
He asked, “Do you play hockey, rugby, or any physical sport??
“No. I just play bridge with my wife.”
Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he’d become comfortable, the front doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on terry cloth slippers and a large towel, wrapped his head in a smaller towel, and went to the door.
A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any magazines. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.
The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and towels, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell, and hit his back against the hard porcelain of the tub.
Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor's office.
After examining him, the doctor said, “You know, you’ve been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax. Why don’t you go home and take a long hot bath?”.
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a hoot one way or the other.
A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.
The doctor remarked, "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery, so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The civil engineer interrupted and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled and said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"
As a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.
The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a checkout system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.
Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"
The Custodian looked at him gravely. "We trust them with the children, don't we?"
The story of Adam and Eve was being carefully explained in the children's Sunday School class. Following the story, the children were asked to draw a picture that would illustrate the story.
Little Bobby was most interested and drew a picture of a car with three people in it. In the front seat, behind the wheel was a man and in the back seat, a man and a woman.
The teacher was at a loss to understand how this illustrated the lesson of Adam and Eve.
But little Bobby was prompt with his explanation. "Why, this is God driving Adam and Eve out of the garden!"
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of school, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that year.
The local high school has a policy that the parent's must call the school if the student is to be absent for the day. Kelly, deciding to skip and go to the mall with her friends waited till her parent's had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call.
Kelly: "Hi, I'm calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.
Secretary at high school: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling?"
Kelly: "This is my mother."
A teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not an atheist."
Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a Christian."
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.
"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
She paused, and smiled. "Then I'd be an atheist."
A woman left work right away after receiving a call that her daughter was at home sick with a fever. She stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication but discovered when she got back to her car that she had locked her keys inside.
She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that her the fever was getting worse and suggested, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who had locked their keys in their car. Once back at her car, she had no idea what to actually do with the coat hanger. So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate and also very thankful for the assistance.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a professional!"
The little girl started: "Grandpa, I'm really proud of you,"
"You are? Why?" the old man asks her.
"I noticed that when you sneeze, you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth."
"Of course I have, dear," the old fellow says. "How else can I catch my teeth?"
A pastor just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.
The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.
"The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't stop talking!"
A little boy had just got home from Sunday School and mom was cooking lunch.
"Mommy, is it true that before you're born you're just dust and after you die you go back to being dust?"
"That's right son, why?"
"Well that's just what they said at church today."
"Run up stairs and wash your hands son, lunch will be ready in a few minutes."
About 10 minutes went by and she called out for him to come down. "I'll be there in a minute."
As they were about to sit down at the table, the little boy asked again about being dust before being born and after you die. Once again mother said "Yes, son".
The little boy looked at her and said, then you better get up to my room pretty quick, because something under my bed is either coming or going!!
A preacher's little boy inquired, "Daddy, I notice every Sunday morning when you first come out to preach, you sit up on the platform and bow your head. What are you doing?"
The father explained, "I'm asking the Lord to give me a good sermon."
The little boy said, "Why don't he?"
The 5-year son of a Baptist minister was finally able to attend "Big" church with his whole family and saw for the first time baptism by immersion, and he was totally absorbed by the ceremony. On the way home he asked his preacher Dad what it all meant and why all the people that morning took a "fast bath."
His father, worn out from his long Sunday morning duties, tried his best to explain in a simple way what baptism meant and why someone took a "fast bath" and got completely dipped.
So, of course, that afternoon, the little 5-year old boy proceeded to baptize his three cats - in the bathtub!
The kitten bore it very well, and so did the young cat, but the old family cat rebelled. It struggled with him, clawed, and got away. With considerable effort he caught it again and proceeded with the baptism, but the cat acted worse than ever and scratched the young lad.
Finally the boy threw the cat on the floor in disgust, and said: "Fine, be a Methodist if you want to!"
A priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper behavior for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.
"Don't play with your food," one second-grader cited.
"Don't be loud," said another, and so on.
"And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?" the priest inquired of one little boy.
Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap."
A man and his ten-year-old son were on a fishing trip miles from home. At the boy's insistence, they decided to attend the Sunday worship service at a small rural church. The father forgot to bring any cash, so he reached in his pocket and gave his son a dime to drop in the offering plate as it was passed.
As they walked back to their car after the service, the father complained. "The service was too long," he lamented. "The sermon was boring, and the singing was off key."
Finally the boy said, "Daddy, I thought it was pretty good for a dime."
A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.
Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.
The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."
A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."
The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"
Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back alley. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood.
"Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten." he pleaded.
The two social workers turned and walked away.
One remarked to her colleague, "You know the person that did this really needs help."
The pastor was looking over the crèche the day after Christmas when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing. He went outside and saw a little boy pulling a new red wagon. In the wagon was Jesus.
He walked up to the boy and said, "Hi, there. Where did you get the baby Jesus?"
The boy answered honestly, "In the church."
"Why did you take him?" the pastor asked.
"Well," said the boy, "I prayed to the Lord Jesus and asked him for a wagon for Christmas. I told Him that if He gave me one, I'd take Him for a ride in it."
By the time Bobby arrived, the football game had already started.
"Why are you so late?" asked his friend.
"I couldn't decide between going to church and going to the football game. So I tossed a coin," said Bobby.
"But that shouldn't have taken too long." said the friend.
"Well, I had to toss it 35 times."
A bald man was neurotic about his lack of hair. He had tried all sorts of treatments but without success. Then one day he passed a barber's shop with a sign in the window that read: 'Bald Men. Your Problems Solved Instantly. You Too Can Have a Head of Hair Like Mine For $1,000.' And beneath the sign was a photo of the barber with his flowing mane of hair.
So the bald man went into the shop and asked the barber: "Can you guarantee that for a thousand dollars my hair will instantly look like yours?"
"Absolutely," said the barber. "It'll take just a few seconds for us to look exactly alike."
"Right, then," said the bald man, handing over the money. "Let's go for it."
The barber took the money - and then shaved off his own hair.
A shipping magnate decided to conduct a tour of his business to see how things were going. Arriving at the docks where his ships docked, he noticed a young man leaning against a wall doing nothing.
Disgusted at this inactivity, the magnate walked up to the young man and asked him: "How much do you make in a day, son?"
The young man replied: "A hundred and fifty dollars."
The magnate pulled out his wallet and gave him a hundred and fifty dollars and told him to get off the docks and never come back.
A few minutes later, the company shipping clerk came over to the magnate and asked: "Have you seen the UPS driver? I asked him to wait here for me so I could give him this package."
A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door.
The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door.
"I cut the tree down," said the man. The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.
The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.
The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!"
The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?"
The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"
Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church.
"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.
"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.
"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.
"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.
"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.
"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.
"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.
"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.
"Pew," Charlie retorted.
"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."
A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.
She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled the women to achieve this reversal of roles? Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines!"
Little Johnny's class was having an English lesson and the teacher asked him to recite a sentence with a direct object.
Johnny thought for a moment and said: "Teacher, everybody thinks you are very beautiful."
"Why, thank you, Johnny," she said, blushing. "But what is the direct object?"
Johnny replied: "A good report card next month."
The new priest was nervous about hearing confessions, so he asked an older priest to sit in on a few of his sessions. After the young priest has heard several confessions, the older priest asked him to step out of the confessional so that he could give him a few suggestions.
The older priest advised: "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tried out the gesture.
"That's good," said the old priest. "Now try saying things like "I see, yes, go on" and "I understand. How did you feel about that?"
The new priest repeated what his colleague said and nodded sagely.
The old priest concluded with: "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "You're kidding! What happened next?"
The doctor told his patient: "I have some good news and some bad news."
The patient said: "Give me the good news first."
The doctor said: "They're going to name a disease after you."
Our church was saddened to learn this week of the death of one of our most valued members, Someone Else.
Someone's passing creates a vacancy that will be difficult to fill. Else has been with us for many years and for every one of those years, Someone did far more than a normal person's share of the work. Whenever there was a job to do, a class to teach, or a meeting to attend, one name was on everyone's list, "Let Someone Else do it." Whenever leadership was mentioned, this wonderful person was looked to for inspiration as well as results; "Someone Else can work with that group."
It was common knowledge that Someone Else was among the most liberal givers in our church. Whenever there was a financial need, everyone just assumed Someone Else would make up the difference.
Someone Else was a wonderful person; sometimes appearing superhuman. Were the truth known, everybody expected too much of Someone Else. Now Someone Else is gone! We wonder what we are going to do.
Someone Else left a wonderful example to follow, but who is going to follow it? Who is going to do the things Someone Else did?
When you are asked to help this year, remember -- we can't depend on Someone Else anymore.
Two armed robbers tried to rob a country club where lawyers played golf. The lawyers put up such a fight that the crooks were forced to leave. Once they had made their getaway, the counted their loot.
"There's good news and bad news," said one robber to the other.
"How do you mean?" asked his accomplice.
"Well, the good news is we got away with sixty dollars. The bad news is, we went in there with eighty."
A man went to the dentist to have a tooth extracted.
"Don't worry," said the dentist. "This won't hurt much. By the way, what do you do for a living?"
"I'm an IRS tax auditor," replied the patient.
"Actually," said the dentist, "this might hurt a lot more than I thought."
A man went to see his doctor to see if he could prescribe something for a bad cold. The doctor gave him some pills, but they didn't work. On his next visit, the doctor gave him an injection, but that didn't work either.
On his third visit, the doctor told the man: "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish, open all the windows and stand in the draft."
"But doctor, if I do that, I'll catch pneumonia."
"I know," said the doctor. "But I can cure pneumonia."
An old man of ninety-one was sitting on a park bench crying. A passing police officer came over to ask him what was the matter.
"You see," said the old man. "I just got married to a twenty-five year old girl. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make love. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we make love."
The policeman said: "You shouldn't be crying. You should be the happiest man in the world."
"I know, said the old man. "I'm crying because I can't remember where I live."
A mother decided her daughter should have something practical for her tenth birthday and suggested opening a savings account in her daughter's name. The girl thought this was an excellent idea so they went to the bank to fill out the necessary forms.
"Since it's your account," said the mother, "and your so grown up now, you can fill out the form yourself. But it there's anything you don't understand or need help with, I'm right here."
The daughter did fine until she came to the space 'Name of your previous bank' which puzzled her. After a few moment's hesitation, she wrote 'Piggy'.
I have just uncovered alarming evidence that Jesus condoned bribery of the police force on a comprehensive scale. In his parable about settling with your opponent before going to court, he mentions that if you fail to do so you will end up in prison. 'You will not get out', he concludes, 'until you have paid the last copper'. (Luke 12:59, RSV).
Of course this could just be a corrupt text.
A lawyer's closing argument was dragging into its second hour when he suddenly stopped and told the judge: "Your honor, one of the jurors is asleep."
The judge responded: "You put him to sleep, you wake him up."
Following a late-night performance, an accordion player woke up in the morning and realized he had left his accordion on the back seat of his car, which was parked out in the street.
Convinced that the instrument would have been stolen overnight, he rushed out in his pajamas and, sure enough, he saw that the rear side window of the car had been smashed.
When he looked into the back seat, he saw that somebody had thrown in two more accordions.
A Scotsman visited London while on vacation but complained that the locals were unfriendly.
He told his friends: "At four o'clock every morning, they hammered on the door of my hotel room, and on the walls, the floor, and the ceiling. They hammered so loud I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes."
A pilot was flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than one mile visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.
Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey! Where am I?"
To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane."
The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport five miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 per cent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there I knew the airport was just 5 miles away."
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck???!!!"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?"
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did."
A man held a party where all the rich people attended. He had a pool with alligators so he announced that anyone who will swim across this pool and come out alive will be granted three wishes.
But no one wanted to go for the challenge. All of a sudden, there was a big splash and a man was swimming like a mad and came out alive.
So the host asked, "What are your three wishes?"
The man replied, "Give me a shotgun and two shells and show me the idiot that pushed me in ...."
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
A boy was sitting on a park bench with one hand resting on an open Bible. He was loudly exclaiming his praise to God. "Hallelujah! Hallelujah! God is great!" he yelled without worrying whether anyone heard him or not.
Shortly after, along came a man who had recently completed some studies at a local university. Feeling himself very enlightened in the ways of truth and very eager to show this enlightenment, he asked the boy about the source of his joy.
"Hey" asked the boy in return with a bright laugh, "Don't you have any idea what God is able to do? I just read that God opened up the waves of the Red Sea and led the whole nation of Israel right through the middle."
The enlightened man laughed lightly, sat down next to the boy and began to try to open his eyes to the "realities" of the miracles of the Bible. "That can all be very easily explained. Modern scholarship has shown that the Red Sea in that area was only 10-inches deep at that time. It was no problem for the Israelites to wade across."
The boy was stumped. His eyes wandered from the man back to the Bible laying open in his lap. The man, content that he had enlightened a poor, naive young person to the finer points of scientific insight, turned to go. Scarcely had he taken two steps when the boy began to rejoice and praise louder than before. The man turned to ask the reason for this resumed jubilation.
"Wow!" exclaimed the boy happily, "God is greater than I thought! Not only did He lead the whole nation of Israel through the Red Sea, He topped it off by drowning the whole Egyptian army in 10 inches of water!"
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor
questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
(07/16/2016) An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please." she answered.
"You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good", he answered.
A Mafia godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walked into a room to meet with his former accountant. The godfather asked the accountant: "Where is the five million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant didn't answer.
So the godfather asked again: "Where is the five million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupted and said: "Sir, this man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The godfather said: "Well, ask him where the money is."
The attorney, using sign language, asked the accountant where the five million dollars was. The accountant signed back that he didn't know what they were talking about. The attorney interpreted to the godfather that the accountant didn't know anything about the money.
Losing patience, the godfather produced a gun, put it to the temple of the accountant, cocked the trigger, and snarled: "Ask him again where my money is."
The attorney signed to the accountant: "He wants to know where the money is!:
The accountant signed back: "Okay! Okay! Okay! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard."
The godfather said: " So, what did he say?"
The attorney interpreted to the godfather: "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger,"
A bank had been robbed three times by the same bandit in the space of two months, and on each occasion he escaped with a substantial amount of cash. After the third robbery, a senior detective was brought in to try to solve the case. He quizzed the bank tellers in the hope of unearthing some clues.
"Have you noticed anything distinctive about the robber?" he asked.
"There is one thing," replied one of the tellers. "Each time he comes in, he's better dressed."
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for all of you," he said as he looked down at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumes dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked towards the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly at the door. A minute passed, but nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said: "Actually I made up the previous statement, but you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was actually killed and insist that you return a verdict on not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and the foreman announced a verdict of guilty.
"How could you come to that conclusion?" protested the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt! I saw all of you stare at the courtroom door."
The foreman replied: "That's true, we did look. But your client didn't."
The school teacher asked her class whether anyone could remember the chemical formula for water.
"Sure," said one student. "It's HIJKLMNO"
"It's what?" asked the teacher in confusion."
"Well, you told us last week that it was H to O."
Jesus walks into a restaurant and says to the hostess, "A table for 26 please."
Confused, the hostess does a quick head count, and says "But there are only 13 of you."
Jesus replies, "Yes, but we are all going to sit on the same side."
Once seated, the waitress asks the table, "Would anyone like to see a wine list?"
Jesus replied, "Water's fine, thanks."
A cop pulls a man over for speeding. He walks up to the car and says, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," he replied.
The cop looks up and down the highway. "What are you talking about? There is no traffic."
The man answered, "That's how far behind I am!"
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
(07/08/2016) No humor today.
A woman celebrating her eightieth birthday was surprised to receive a notice for jury duty. She called the county clerk's office to remind them that she was exempt due to her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption form", said the clerk.
"I've already done that," she protested, "I did it last year."
"You have to do it every year," the clerk insisted.
"Why? Do you think I'm going to get younger?:
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller; You don't love me any more..."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained four new families."
The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained six new families."
The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"
One balmy day in the South Pacific, a navy ship espied smoke coming from one of three huts on an uncharted island.
Upon arriving at the shore they were met by a shipwreck survivor. He said, "I'm so glad you're here! I've been alone on this island for more than five years!"
The captain replied, "If you're all alone on the island why do I see THREE huts."
The survivor said, "Oh. We'll, I live in one, and go to church in another."
"What about the THIRD hut?" asked the captain.
"That's where I USED to go to church."
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes, I do," she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car kissing?"
"Yes, I remember."
"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?"
"Yes, I do," she said.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today."
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."
To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"