Humor & Laughs

Feb 2017-Mar 2017

a time to weep and a time to laugh  Ecclesiastes 3:4a (NIV)

(02/15/2017)

(02/04/2017)

(03/31/2017)

Tom walks into his boss' office and tells him, "Sir, I know things aren't going the best around here but I have three companies that have contacted me recently. I would like a raise."

His boss agrees and after debating the amount for a while they agree on a 5 percent raise. When Tom gets up to leave his boss asks him, "What companies contacted you?"

Tom smiles and says, "The cable, electric, and water company."

 

(03/30/2017)

One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"


"I know, I know!" a little boy exclaimed, "pantyhose!"

 

(03/29/2017)

Actual Announcements from Church Bulletins

  • Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

  • The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

  • A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

  • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" – come early and listen to our choir practice.

  • Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8:00 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

  • Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

  • "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

  • The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

  • Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

  • Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

  • The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

  • Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

 

(03/28/2017)

A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said: "We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this," he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.

The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.

The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance.

"That's fine," he said; "Report for work at 8 tomorrow."

"But aren't you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk asked.

The sergeant grinned. "You passed the test when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine."

 

(03/27/2017)

Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
      
Love, Your $on.
      
The Reply:
      
Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
      
Love, Dad

 

(03/26/2017)

Notes found in hospital charts:

 

She is numb from her toes down.

While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Skin: somewhat pale but present.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

 

(03/25/2017)

A passenger train is creeping along, painfully slow. Finally, it creaks to a complete halt.

 

A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window.

 

"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again.

The woman sees the same conductor walking by again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

 

(03/24/2017)

An Eskimo got so cold while paddling his kayak that he built a fire to warm himself up. Naturally, the kayak sank, and he had to swim to shore in the icy waters.

This only goes to show that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

 

(03/23/2017)

Two men were walking through a forest and spotted an aggressive looking bear.

 

The first man took his running shoes out of his backpack and started to put them on.

 

The second man said "You really think you can outrun that bear?"

The first man replied "Don't have to... I just have to outrun you."

 

(03/22/2017)

A cheap man goes to a restaurant with his wife and son. When he gets there he asks the host "How are your prices?"

The host replies "Well kids eat free."

The man replies "My son is really hungry, he's going to have three plates."

 

(03/21/2017)

A man walks up to a janitor and asks him, "Don't you ever get tired of cleaning."

The man, taken back, says, "Excuse me sir. I'll let you know I have children at Harvard, Yale, and MIT."

The other man replies, "Oh really? I'm sorry, are they undergraduates?"

The janitor replies, "Nah, they're janitors."

 

(03/20/2017)

One reason the Armed Services have trouble operating jointly is that they have very different meanings for the same terms;
      
The Joint Chiefs once told the Navy to "secure a building," to which they responded by turning off the lights and locking the doors.
      
The Joint Chiefs then instructed Army personnel to "secure the building," and they occupied the building so no one could enter.
      
Upon receiving the exact same order, the Marines assaulted the building, captured it, and set up defences with suppressive fire and amphibious assault vehicals, established reconnaissance and communications channels, and prepared for close hand-to-hand combat if the situation arose.
      
But the Air Force, on the other hand, acted most swiftly on the command, and took out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

 

(03/19/2017)

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

 

(03/18/2017) 

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"

 

(03/17/2017)

This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

 

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.

 

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.

 

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

 

Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.

 

(03/16/2017)

Bob left work one Friday evening, but it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his friends and spending his entire wages.

 

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

 

He replied, "That would be fine with me."

 

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

 

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

 

But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

 

(03/15/2017)

A fire started in the grasslands close to a farm. The county fire department rushed to the scene, but the fire was more than they could handle. Someone suggested calling the volunteer fire department. Despite some doubt that they would be of any assistance, they were called.
      
The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firefighters jumped from the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the centre of the fire and leaving two parts which were easily put out.
      
As the farmer watched all this, he was impressed and grateful that his house and farm had been spared. He quickly got his chequebook and donated $1000 to the volunteer fire department.
      
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain how they planned to use the funds.
      
The captain replied, "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes on our fire truck fixed!"

 

(03/14/2017)

Farmers Fred and Luke were fishing on the side of the road. They made a sign saying "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!," and showed it to each passing car.
      
One driver that passed didn't appreciate the sign and shouted, "Leave us alone you religious nuts!"
      
All of a sudden they heard a big splash.
      
Fred grinned at Luke. "Do you think we should just put up a sign that says: 'Bridge Out' instead?"

 

(03/13/2017)

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
      
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
      
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
      
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

 

(03/12/2017)

Corporate Sociology 101: The Two Cow Explanation

 

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows.
You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

 

A SOCIALIST:
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

 

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So what?

 

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor.
You feel righteous.

 

A COMMUNIST:
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

 

A FASCIST:
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and sells you the milk.
You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

 

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

 

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

 

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

 

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

 

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

 

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

 

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

 

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows…
but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.

 

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

 

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows.
None of them belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

 

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You worship both of them.

 

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported otherwise.

 

(03/11/2017)

In the beginning, God created heaven and earth.

 

Shortly thereafter God was in receipt of a notice to show cause why he shouldn’t be cited for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary planning permit for the project, but was stymied by a Cease and Desist Order for the earthly part.

 

At the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

 

Then God said, “Let there be light.”

 

Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would it require strip mining? What about thermal pollution?

 

God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire, and provisional approval was granted with the proviso that no smoke would result.

 

The authorities demanded the issuance of a building permit, and (to conserve energy) required that the light be left off half the time.

 

God agreed, saying he would call the light “Day” and the darkness “Night.” Officials replied that they were only interested in protecting the environment, not in semantics.

 

God said, “Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed.”

 

The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.

 

Then God said, “Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth.”

 

Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

 

Everything went along smoothly until God declared that he intended to complete the project in six days.

 

Officials informed God it would take at least 200 days to review his many waiver applications and environmental impact statements. After that there would have to be a public hearing, and then there would be a 10-12 month probationary period before….

 

At this point, God created Hell.

 

(03/10/2017)

New Element Discovered

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named “Governmentium.”

 

Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311.

 

These 311 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

 

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

 

A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.

 

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutron exchange places.

 

In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

The characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that

 

Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is called “Critical Morass.”

 

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element which radiates just as much energy, since it has half as many peons, but twice as many morons.

 

(03/09/2017)

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
      
"You'll know tonight." he said.
      
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"

 

(03/08/2017)

Bill’s second Anniversary was coming up and if there was one thing that got his wife Suzy upset, it was not getting a thoughtful gift on a special occasion. Bill quizzed all his friends, co workers, clients and anyone he happened to bump into, as to what would be a good anniversary present.

 

He finally settled on a huge bouquet of flowers. Not willing to trust himself to pick out the right flowers, Bill called up a local flower shop with strict instructions to deliver the biggest most beautiful bouquet of flowers first thing in the morning with the following note “Happy Anniversary Year Number Two!”

 

The morning of the Anniversary Bill made sure Suzy would be the one to answer the door as he waited anxiously in the other room.

 

“WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT?!” Hollered Suzie angrily holding up his well thought out note, “Happy Anniversary You’re Number Two!”

 

(03/07/2017)

A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining of a terrible phobia. “Every time I lay down on my bed I get this terrible fear that there is something underneath.

 

“Wow” responded the psychiatrist “I’ve never heard of such a phobia, but like all phobias it can be treated, but it will likely take around 20 sessions.”

 

“OK” responded the lady “how much is each session?”

 

“Oh it’s just $80 a session, but trust me it’s well worth it.”

 

When the lady didn’t come back to the psychiatrist he gave the lady a call. “How come I didn’t hear from you? He asked.”

 

"Well” responded the lady “when I came home and told my husband about the cost he thought he would save some money, he just cut the legs off the bed!”

 

(03/06/2017)

Adam woke up suddenly, sweating all over.  “What’s the problem”, asked his wife. “Are you OK?”  

 

“I just dreamed that I died!”  responded a shaken Adam.

 

“And it was so bad up there, and that’s why you’re sweating all over?”  asked his wife.

 

“You bet!”  exclaimed Adam.  “I got up there, and was right in front of God himself, when he suddenly sneezed…..and I didn’t know what to say to him!”

 

(03/05/2017)

At the urging of Harry’s wife and doctor, 50 year old Harry finally made it to the gym. After consulting with one of the trainers, Harry decided to try out a steep treadmill.

 

“Ok”, said the trainer “I’m going to set it for ten minutes, if you want to go longer just press start again.”

 

At first Harry was doing fine but after 5 seconds he started getting tired, and after a minute he jumped off gasping for breath. Walking to the side to sit down, he passed by a friend of his. “Man”, said Harry. “I could barely last a full minute on that treadmill.”

 

“Alright alright”, said his buddy, “no reason to brag!”

 

(03/04/2017)

For the umpteenth time Mrs. Youngston came to her pastor to tell him, "I'm so scared! Joe says he's going to kill me if I continue to come to your church."
      
"Yes, yes, my child," replied the pastor, more than a little tired of hearing this over and over. "I will continue to pray for you, Mrs. Youngston. Have faith - the Lord will watch over you."
      
"Oh yes, he has kept me safe thus far, only....."
      
"Only what, my child?"
      
"Well, now he says if I keep coming to your church, he's going to kill YOU!"
      
"Well, now," said the pastor, "Perhaps it's time to check out that little church on the other side of town."

 

(03/02/2017)

A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.
      
"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80 model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house and put it halfway up a mountain."
      

The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"
      
"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."

 

(03/01/2017)

A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines.

 

“Don’t know,” the woman said.

 

He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rear view mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U-turn and drove up to them.

 

“This is my husband,” the old woman said. “He doesn’t know how to get to Des Moines either.”

 

(02/28/2017)

Who Reads Newspapers?

 

The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

 

The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

 

The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.

 

USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t understand The Washington Post.

 

The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country, if they could spare the time.

 

The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

 

The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country.

 

The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who’s running the country, as long as they do something scandalous.

 

The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure there is a country, or that a country is a good idea in the first place.

 

The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.

 

The Chicago Tribune is read by people who live in the Midwest, which readers of the other newspapers don’t think is part of the country.

 

(02/27/2017)

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?" Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
      
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
      
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
      
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
      
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
      
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."
      
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
      
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
      
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And the Cat didn't give a hoot one way or the other.

 

(02/26/2017)

The two thousand member church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
      
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
      
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
      
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
      
After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
      
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

 

(I suspect that the results at FBCBF would be different, but who really knows?)

 

(02/25/2017)

Brian’s stress level was at unsurpassed levels.  His wife Maggie was in labor and Brian was sure it was time to head to the hospital. 

 

Breathing heavily, Brian grabbed the phone and called the doctor.  “MY WIFE, SHE’S READY, SHOULD WE COME?”

 

The doctor tried to relax the poor fellow, “Just try to relax, now tell me how much time elapses between the contractions?”

 

“SHIRLEY!”  Brian screamed on the top of his lungs,  “HOW MUCH TIME IN BETWEEN THE CONTRACTIONS? TEN MINUTES? OK, TEN MINUTES IN BETWEEN!”

 

“And is this her first child?” Questioned the doctor.

 

“NO YOU STUPID NITWIT, THIS IS HER HUSBAND!”

 

(02/24/2017)

Suzie was all alone. It was two months since her dear Herbie had passed, and she just couldn’t seem to move on.

 

“Listen here Suzie”, said her good friend Barbara, “maybe you should go see a psychic. One of my friends did it after her husband died and it made her feel so much better knowing that her dearest was happy.”

 

So that’s how, on the next Tuesday, Suzie found herself in a dim room with a crystal ball and a psychic talking in a calm voice.

 

“Is he here?” Suzie asked.

 

“Yes, I sense him,” was her reply.

 

“Can you ask him if he’s happy?” Suzie hesitantly asked.

 

“He’s putting his hand to his mouth like he wants to smoke” said the psychic.

 

“Oh, of course” said Suzie, “he needs a cigar. Herbie can never last more then a few hours without a cigar. I guess they don’t have cigars up there. Did he say where he is or how I could get one to him?” Questioned Suzie urgently.

 

“Hmm”, said the psychic. “I can’t seem to get that question across to him. But then again,” said the psychic after a brief pause, “he didn’t say anything about needing a lighter!” 

 

(02/23/2017)

A man was going to the county fair one day with a pig under one arm and a chicken under one arm, and a basket on his head. He came to a crossroads and didn't know which way to turn. While he stood there deciding, a young woman approached him, heading the same direction.
      
"Please, ma'am, I'm on the way to the county fair. Can you tell me which way to go?"
     

"Yes," she replied. "I'm on my way there, too. We'll go right down this way about a mile, turn left about a mile and a half, left again about a mile and we're right there."
      
He said, "Wait a minute... down here, turn left and left again? Couldn't we save a lot of time by walking through these woods?"
      
She replied, "Yes, we could. But I couldn't walk through those woods with you. Why... you might try to kiss me!"
      
"Listen," he said, "how could I possibly kiss anybody with a pig under one arm, a chicken under one arm and a basket on my head?"
      
"Well," she replied, "you could put that chicken on the ground, turn the basket upside down over the chicken, and I could hold that little bitty ole pig."

 

(02/22/2017)

When doing my para training with British Airborne we did our first two descents from 800 ft from a static Barrage-balloon with a cage suspended below,(the other six jumps from aircraft).
      
Standing in the door of the cage with no sound except the gentle breeze blowing past and a very long way down, a recruit was heard to ask the R.A.F. Dispatcher, "If the parachute doesn't open, how long will it take me to hit the ground from 800 ft?
      
The dispatcher calmly remarked, "You'll be about halfway through The Lord's Prayer".

 

(02/21/2017)

Why are there so many old people in Church? They're cramming for the final.

 

(02/20/2017)

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close. 

Note: mosquitoes are kown as the Minnesota state bird.

 

(02/19/2017)

Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.

 

(02/18/2017)

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”

The mother replied, ‘Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.’

The child thought about this for a moment then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”

 

(02/17/2017)

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man looked around and lowered his voice.
"I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105.
So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

 

(02/16/2017)

Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord”, and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning!”

 

(02/14/2017)

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10.'
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

 

(02/13/2017)

EPITAPH (In a cemetery in England):

Remember man, as you walk by,

As you are now, so once was I,

As I am now, so shall you be,

Remember this and follow me.

 

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent,

Until I know which way you went.

 

(02/11/2017)

These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.
      
A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"
      
The Saudi says, "What's a shortage?"
      
The Russian says, "What's meat?"
      
The North Korean says, "What's an opinion?"
      
The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me?? What's excuse me?"

 

(02/10/2017)

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday to spend the day hiking in the wilderness. Rounding a sharp bend in the trail, he collided with a bear and was sent tumbling down a steep grade. He landed on a rock and broke both legs.
With the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, the preacher prayed, "O Lord, I'm so sorry for skipping services today. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish—make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me!"
At that very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to his knees, clasped his paws together, and began to pray aloud at the preacher's feet: "Dear God, please bless this food I am about to receive."

 

(02/09/2017)

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding to the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room, the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over the toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

 

(02/08/2017)

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten The red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a hold ing cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."

 

(02/07/2017)

Christmas and Hanukkah to Merge

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance.

He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful.

 

(02/06/2017)

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying from copies, and not from the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.

"The word is 'celebrate'," says the old monk.

 

(02/05/2017)

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the monkey was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's The Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"? "Well," said the monkey, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother." 

 

(02/03/2017)

When a woman decided to send the old family Bible to her brother in another state, the postal worker asked her if there was anything breakable in the package. "Only the Ten Commandments," she replied.

 

(02/02/2017)

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The Manager replied, "Which one? We have, 'Barbie goes to the gym'for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95...
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 ...
and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."
"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad asked surprised.
"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."

are sleeping"

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