(01/29/2017)

One of the New York churches is notorious for its exclusiveness. A bum took a fancy to the church, and promptly told the minister that he wished to join. The clergyman sought to evade the issue by suggesting to the man that he reflect more carefully on the matter, and make it the subject of prayers for guidance. The following day, the bum encountered the minister.
      
"I did my praying, sir," he declared, beaming, "and the Lord sent me an answer last night."
      
"And what was it?" queried the clergyman, somewhat at a loss. "What did the Lord say?"
      
"Well, sir, He asked me what church I wanted to join, I told Him it was yours.  And He says: 'Ho, ho, THAT church!' says he. 'You can't get in there.  I know you can't--'cause I've been tryng to get in there for ten years myself and I couldn't.'

 

(01/28/2017)

There are 3 fundamental truths about religion:

• Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Son of God.

• Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the Vicar of Christ.

• Baptists don't recognise each other at the bar on Saturday nights.

 

(01/27/2017)

NOTICE: Classes for men at our local learning centre for adults will be starting soon. Due to the high level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of ten applicants.
      
Topic 1: How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays. Step-by-step, with slide presentation.
      
Topic 2: The Toilet Paper Roll: Do They Grow On The Holders? Round table discussion.
      
Topic 3: Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat Up And Avoiding The Floor And Walls? Group practice.
      
Topic 4: Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Basket And The Floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.
      
Topic 5: The After-Dinner Dishes And Cutlery: Can They Levitate And Fly Into The Dishwasher? Examples on video.
      
Topic 6: Loss Of Identity: Losing The Remote To Your Partner. Helpline and support groups.
      
Topic 7: Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost. Real-life testimonials.
      
Topic 8: Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving simulation.
      
Topic 9: How To Be The Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation exercises, medication and breathing techniques.
      
Topic 10: How To Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering Birthday, Anniversaries, Other Important Date And Calling When You're Going To Be Late.

 

(01/26/2017)

Did you hear about the about the Southern Baptist who was in the habit of sneaking to the race track to bet on the horses?

One day he was losing badly when he saw a priest step onto the track, walk up to line-up and bless one of the horses on the forehead. The horse was a long shot, but the Southern Baptist thought, "With the priest's blessing, surely this horse will win." He placed a small bet and, sure enough, the horse came in first.

At the next race, the priest stepped onto the track and blessed another horse's forehead. Even though this horse was also a long shot, the Southern Baptist was a little bolder this time and placed a larger bet on that horse. Again, it won.

A third time, the priest stepped onto the track and blessed a horse on the forehead. Like the others, this horse was also a long shot. The Southern Baptist placed an even larger bet this time and, sure enough the horse won.

This pattern continued throughout the day with the priest blessing the forehead of a long shot horse, the Southern Baptist placing larger and larger bets and the horse always winning.

At the last race of the day, the Southern Baptist thought, "I have got to go for broke here." With great anticipation, he watched as the priest stepped onto the field one more time, walked up to the line-up and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. The Southern Baptist ran to the ticket counter and bet all he had on that horse.

The horse came in dead last!

As he was walking out, he saw the priest. Walking up to him, he demanded, "What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they won, even though they were long shots. Then at the last race you blessed a horse, I bet everything and the horse lost."

"That's the problem with you Protestants," said the priest. "You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."

 

(01/24/2017)

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"           

 

(01/23/2017)

Two bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -- 'Take a clean dish...'

 

(01/22/2017)

Father Brian, an elderly Catholic priest, was speaking to Father Karl, a younger priest, saying, 'You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.'

Father Karl nods, and the old priest continues, 'And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n' roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the rafters.'

'Thank you, Father Brian,' answers the young priest. 'I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.'

'All of these ideas have been well and good,' comments Father Brian wisely. But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.'

'But, Father Brian,' protests the young Father Karl, 'My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!'

'Indeed,' replies the elderly priest, 'And I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell" cannot stay on the church roof.'

 

(01/21/2017)

Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?" 
"It is" 
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?" 
"I can" 
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?" 
"I do" 
"Is he a member of your congregation?" 
"He is" 
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?" 
"He will". 

 

(01/20/2017)

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill." 

 

(01/19/2017)

Young Jonathan was visiting a church for the first time. He checked all the announcements, posters and pictures along the walls. When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby verger, 'Who are all those men in the pictures?'

The verger replied, 'Why, those are our boys who died in the service'.

Dumbfounded, the Jonathan asked, 'Was that the morning service or the evening service?'

 

(01/18/2017)

Three boys on the playground were bragging about their dads. One said. “My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a song and they pay him $50.” “Oh, yeah. My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a poem and they pay him $100.” “That’s nothing,” said the third kid. My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a sermon and it takes six people to collect all the money in the room!”

 

(01/17/2017)

Two boys were walking home from church after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad"

 

(01/16/2017)

A man: God, how much is a million dollars to you?
God: It is but a penny.
A man: God, how long is a million years to you?
God: It is but a second.
A man: God, could you please give me a penny?
God: Sure, just a second.

 

(01/15/2017)

A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest were good friends. At a picnic one day, the priest was eating a ham sandwich. “You know,” he said to his friend, “this ham sandwich is delicious. I know you’re not supposed to eat ham, but I don’t understand why such a good thing would be forbidden. When will you break down and try it?” To which the rabbi replied, “At your wedding.”

 

(01/14/2017)

An Irishman moved into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walked into the local pub, and promptly ordered three beers. The bartender raised his eyebrows, but served the man three beers, which he drank quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man had finished the three beers and ordered three more. This happened yet again. The next evening the man again ordered and drank three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town was whispering about The Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broached the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers at a time?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replied. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank, as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and a source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then one day, the man came in and ordered only two beers. The bartender poured them with a heavy heart. This continued for the rest of the evening. "Each time he orders only two beers," the word flew around town. Prayers were offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender said to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know -- the two beers instead of three, and all..."

The man pondered this for a moment, then replied, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

 

(01/13/2017)

Two well worn bills arrived at the Federal Reserve Bank to be retired - a twenty and a one. As they traveled down the conveyor belt, they struck up a conversation. The twenty reminisced about the interesting life he had, traveling all over the country. "I've been to the finest restaurants, Broadway shows, Las Vegas , Atlantic City ," he said. "I even want on a Caribbean cruise. Where have you been?"

"Oh," said the one dollar bill, "I've been to the Methodist church, the Episcopal church, the Lutheran church."

"What's a church?" asked the twenty.

 

(01/12/2017)

A mother went to wake her son for church one Sunday morning. When she knocked on his door, he said, "I'm not going!"

"Why not?" asked his mother.

"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me. Two, I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why YOU WILL go to church. One, you're 47 years old. Two, you're the pastor!"

 

(01/11/2017)

It was the beginning of December. Their trip had gone reasonably well, and the family, ready to return home, had arrived at the ariport.
      
O'hare airport, long known for it's winter-weather flight delays and cancellations, long security-check lines, and lost luggage, had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
      
Going to check in thier luggage they noticed hanging mistletoe over the weigh in-scale. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier" parts.
      
The little boy in the famiy piped up and said, "Why is that mistletoe hanging up there?"
      
Without missing a beat, the father replies, "Well, my guess is so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

 

(01/10/2017)

Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.
      
One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?"
      
The man yells back, "About a half mile from town."
      
Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer."
      
The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?"
      
The first says, "That's easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant."

 

(01/09/2017)

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, at the end of the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was out and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.

The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and sisters, we are in great difficulty. The roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular.

 

(01/07/2017)

By the time Bobby arrived, the football game had already started. "Why are you so late?" asked his friend.

"I couldn't decide between going to church and going to the football game. So I tossed a coin," said Bobby.

"But that shouldn't have taken too long." said the friend.

"Well, I had to toss it 35 times."

 

(01/06/2017)

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene, what happened?" 
       
"Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up." 
       
"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?" 
       
"About 20 years, sir" 
       
"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done." 
       
"It was, sir."

 

(01/05/2017)

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.”

 

The woman responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.”

 

(01/03/2017)

An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him. “If you get in the car,” the driver says, “I’ll give you $10 and a piece of candy.”

 

The boy refuses and keeps on walking.

 

A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. “How about $20 and two pieces of candy?”

 

The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.

 

Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side of the road. “OK,” he says, “this is my final offer. I’ll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat.”

 

The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. “Look,” he says to the driver. “You bought this ugly station wagon when everyone else got cool SUVs, Dad, but that doe sn’t mean I have to be seen riding in it!”.

 

(01/02/2017)

The Smith’s were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.

 

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose - how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.

 

The author assured the family he could handle the story as tactfully as possible and was given the go-ahead to write the book.

 

The book appeared. It said “Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution and was attached to his position by the strongest of ties. His death came as a great shock.”.

 

(01/01/2017)

Over breakfast, a woman said to her husband, “I’ll bet you don’t know what day this is.”

 

“Of course I do,” he answered, as if offended, and left for the office.

 

At 10:00 a.m., a dozen red roses arrived at the house. At 1:00 p.m., a two-pound box of chocolates was delivered. The designer dress arrived at 3:00.

 

When her husband came home, the woman ran to meet him and threw her arms around his neck, “I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!”.

 

(12/31/2016)

Did you hear about the TV weatherman who, despite his training and sparkling credentials, ran into a terrible unlucky streak?

 

He became something of a local joke. The town’s newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions. A year later, the paper reported that he’d been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.

 

Unable to handle the pressure, the station manager fired him.

 

So the meteorologist moved far away and applied for another job as a TV weathermen. When he got to the question on the application about why he had left his last job, he wrote, “The climate didn’t agree with me.”

 

(12/30/2016)

Bob had been shopping downtown all day with his wife and four little children. They were all so tired, he decided to take a taxicab home.

 

Approaching a cab driver, he demanded, “How much will you charge to drive us to the Bronx?”

 

“I figure $5 apiece for you and your wife,” said the driver. “I’ll take the four kids along for nothing.”

 

Bob turned to his children and said, “Jump in kids, and have a nice ride home. Momma and I will take the subway.”

 

(12/29/2016)

The little 6 year old boy moved to Mississippi with his family. Mom decided to take him for a walk in the woods shortly after they arrived. The little boy looked all around in wonder. He had always lived in the city and had never seen so many trees in one place.

 

As they walked along, he noticed a deer stand high up in a tree, and he said, “Look Mom, a tree house.”

 

Mom explained to him that it was not a tree house, but a tree stand — someplace to sit during deer season.

 

They walked quietly for a few minutes more, and he stopped and looked up at his mother.

 

“Mom, you were just kidding me right? There’s no way you will ever get a deer to climb that ladder.”

 

(12/28/2016)

Joe, the neighborhood chronic borrower, approached his neighbor, “Ray, may I borrow your axe?”

 

“Not today,” Ray replied, “I have to make soup.”

 

“What kind of excuse it that?!” demanded Joe.

 

“Well,” confessed Ray, “I admit its a lousy excuse. But, since you have not returned my drill, shovel and rake, one excuse is as good as another.”

 

(12/27/2016)

During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting.

 

The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up…

 

The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn’t know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a house-bound 98 year old man, who was one of the founders of their temple. Perhaps the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was. So he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.

 

The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, “Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?”

 

The old man answered, “No, that is not the tradition.”

 

The one whose followers sat asked, “Is the tradition to sit during Shema?”

 

The old man answered, “No, that is not the tradition.”

 

Then the rabbi said to the old man, “The congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand…”

 

The old man interrupted, exclaiming, “Yes! THAT is the tradition!”

 

(12/26/2016)

One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. There was a romantic full moon, and Huan Cho said, "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now. Lets just look at the moon", said Jung Lee.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Huan Cho Begged.

"But I had rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please Jung Lee, just once... play Weeweechu with me."

Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."

Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang... "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

 

(12/24/2016)

The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a Sarah, a young lady aged about 20 years old, walked up and sat on his lap.  Now, we all know that Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, 'What do you want for Christmas?'

 

'Something for my mother, please,' replied Sarah sweetly.

 

'Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and thoughtful of you,' smiled Santa. 'What would you like me to bring her?'

 

Without turning a hair Sarah answered quickly, 'A son-in-law.'

 

(12/23/2016)

Christmas downsizing

 

Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary: 

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance. 

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated. 

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French. 

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voicemail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. 

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order. 

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by Personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one. 

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement. 

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching. 

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. 

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work Congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed Congressmen this year. 

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line. 

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. 

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending. 

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number. 

 

(12/22/2016)

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...
I'd forgotten that batteries are never included! 

 

(12/21/2016)

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.

"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened."

 

(12/20/2016)

A Russian couple were walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" 

"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!" 

 

(12/19/2016)

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

 

(12/16/2016)

"Thanks for the electric guitar you gave me for Christmas," little Chris Cody said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best present I ever got." 
       
"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?" 
       
"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.

 

(12/15/2016)

A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked, 'Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery, so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world.'
      
he civil engineer interrupted and said, 'But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world.'
      
The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled and said confidently, 'Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?'

 

(12/14/2016)

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems. 
       
Rule #1: 
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. One guy owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why. 
       
Rule #2: 
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why. 
       
Rule #3: 
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why. 
       
Rule #4: 
Never buy men bathrobes. It was said once that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts. 
       
Rule #5: 
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips. 
       
Rule #6: 
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. They do not stink - they are earthy. 
       
Rule #7: 
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why. (ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!) 
       
Rule #8: 
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. No one knows why. 
       
Rule #9: 
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores.) It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. ("From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! thanks.") 
       
Rule #10: 
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. (No one knows why) Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?" 
       
Rule #11: 
Tickets to a Broncos game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why. 
       
Rule #12: 
Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker. 
       
Rule #13: 
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why. 
       
Rule #14: 
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

 

(12/13/2016)

Three contractors were touring the White House on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. when they each replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me your bids." 
       
First, the Florida contractor took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "I figure the job will run about $900 -- $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." 
       
Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick calculations and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700 -- $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." 
       
Finally, the guard asks the New York contractor for his bid. Without batting an eye, the contractor says, "$2,700." 
       
The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" 
       
"Easy," says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Missouri."

 

(12/12/2016)

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
      
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?"
      
He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.
      
"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.
      
"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.
      
"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook."

 

(12/11/2016)

Spotted in a toilet of a London office: 
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW 
In a Laundromat: 
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT 
In a London department store: 
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS 
In an office: 
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN 
In an office: 
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD 
Outside a secondhand shop: 
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? 
Notice in health food shop window: 
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS 
Spotted in a safari park: 
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR 
Notice in a farmer's field: 
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. 
Message on a leaflet: 
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS 
On a repair shop door: 
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

 

(12/10/2016)

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the minister with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." 
       
He passed the minister the cash and walked away satisfied. 
       
The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the minister looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" 
       
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." 
       
The groom leaned toward the minister and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." 
       
The minister put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, "The bride made me a much better offer."

 

(12/09/2016)

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war...could you help me?"
      
"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years.
      
The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight.
      
Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
      
When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability."

 

(12/08/2016)

Grandpa Jones was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now." 
       
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. 
       
"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

 

(12/06/2016)

Two boys were walking home from church after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"

The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad"

 

(12/05/2016)

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt."

His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

 

(12/03/2016) 

The new minister stood at the church door greeting the members as they left the Sunday morning service. Most of the people were very generous telling the new minister how much they liked his message, except for one man who said, "The was a very dull and boring sermon, pastor."

A few minutes later, the same man again appeared in line and said, "I don't think you did much preparation for your message."

Once again, the man appeared, this time muttering, "You really blew it. You didn't have a thing to say, pastor."

Finally, the minister could stand it no longer. He went to one of the deacons and inquired about the man.

"Oh, don't let that guy bother you," said the deacon. "He's a little slow. All he does is go around repeating whatever he hears other people saying."

 

(12/02/2016) 

Several children found a dead robin. Feeling that a proper burial should be performed, they secured a small box and some cotton batting, dug a hole in the back yard, and made ready to dispose of the deceased.

 

The minister's 5-year-old son was chosen to say the prayer. And so with great dignity, he intoned, "Glory be to the Father...and unto the Son...and into the hole he goes."

 

(12/01/2016)

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping"