Humor & Laughs
Apr 2017-Jun 2017
a time to weep and a time to laugh Ecclesiastes 3:4a (NIV)
Four guys are driving cross-country together. Each man is from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Florida, and New York.
Shortly after the trip begins, the man from Idaho starts pulling potatoes from his bag and throwing them out the window. The man from Nebraska turns to him and asks, “What the are you doing?”
The man from Idaho says, “Man, we have so many of these things in Idaho, I’m sick of looking at them!”
A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins pulling ears of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window.
The Floridian asks “What are you doing that for?”
The Nebraskan replies, “Man, we have so many of these things in Nebraska I’m sick of looking at them!”
Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.
Three blondes are walking in the forest when they come across some tracks. The first blonde says "These are definitely rabbit tracks."
The second blonde says "Are you crazy? These are bear tracks."
The final blonde says "You're both wrong, these are moose tracks."
They argued for hours until the train hit them.
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit the hotel restaurant. Upon arriving to there, he ordered a glass of iced tea. When the large glass was placed between his hands. He exclaimed "Wow these glasses are big!" The bartender replied "Everything is big in Texas."
A little later the blind man asked the waiter where the bathroom was. The waiter replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped and entered the third door. This door lead to the swimming pool and he fell in by accident.
Scared to death, he started shouting "Don't flush, don't flush!"
Hymns for People Over 50
Give Me the Old Timers Religion
Precious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up
Just a Slower Walk with Thee
Go Tell It on the Mountain, But Speak Up
Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing
Guide Me O Thou Great Lord God, I've Forgotten Where I've Parked The Car
Count Your Many Birthdays, Count Them One By One
It Is Well With My Soul, But My Knees Hurt
There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. The boys say he is two bricks short of a load, or couple fries short of a happy meal.
To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.
One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
Junior said, "No sir, you see if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"
A blonde goes to the hospital with both of her ears burnt. The doctor asks her, "How did you manage this?"
The blonde replies, "Well I was ironing and received a phone call. I accidentally picked up the iron instead of the phone."
The doctor says, "That explains one ear."
She replies, "Well they called again!"
After suffering a heart attach and having quadruple bypass surgery, a man woke up to find himself in a Catholic hospital with nuns taking care of him. As they nursed him back to health, one of the nuns asked him if he had health insurance.
"No," he replied, "No health insurance."
"Do you have any money in the bank?" asked the nun.
"No. No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have any relatives you could ask for help?"
The man replied, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
At this the nun because irritated. "Nuns are not spinsters. Nuns are married to God!"
"OK, then," said the man. "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
A poster read: "God is dead" - Nietzche.
The graffiti underneath read: "Nietzche is dead" - God.
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting one day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
A knight and his men come back to the castle after a long day. The king asks him, "How are we faring?"
The knight replies, "Sire, I have been robbing, pillaging and burning down the towns of your enemies in the north all day long."
The king shrieks, "What?! I have no enemies in the north!"
The knight replies, "Oh. Well, you do now."
A man has a curse and is only able to say a single word every year. But if he doesn't say a word that year he can say two the next year, then three, and so on.
One day he meets a beautiful woman and wants to ask her to marry him, but he has no words saved up so he must wait four years.
So he waits four years and he is finally able to ask her the question. He looks her in the eyes and says "Will you marry me?"
She looks back at him with a smile and twinkle in her eye and replies "What?"
A mathematician, a statistician, and an accountant are all up for the same job. The board asks each of them the same question, "What is 100 + 200?"
The mathematician replies, "300."
The statistician replies, "300, with 95 % certainty."
The accountant says in a hushed voice, "What do you want it to be?" He got the job.
Little Tommy asks his mom if he can have some animal crackers. His mom gives him a box of crackers and tells him he can have a few.
His mom leaves and comes back in a few minutes finding all of the crackers on the floor with Tommy looking through them. His mother asks "What are you doing Tommy?"
Tommy replies "It said don't eat if the seal was already broken. But I can't find a seal!"
Mahatma Gandhi spent most of his time barefoot, covering his feet with calluses. He ate very little, which made him frail. His odd diet also gave him bad breath.
What did this make him? A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
A man joins a golfing tournament, but he is a terrible golfer. Lucky for him an evil leprechaun lives on the course and offers him a deal, "I will make you win this tournament, if you promise to never marry!"
The man agrees and indeed wins the tournament. Afterwards the leprechaun approaches the man, "Remember, you can't marry anybody now!"
Adjusting his collar the priest replies, "Yeah, whatever."
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
When a marathon runner had ill fitting shoes, he suffers the agony of defeat.
Gracie Allen's Recipe for the Perfect Roast Beef
1 Small Roast Beef
1 Large Roast Beef
Put both roasts in the oven.
When the little one is burned, the big one is done.
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
When a woman decided to send the old family Bible to her brother in another state, the postal worker asked her if there was anything breakable in the package. "Only the Ten Commandments," she replied.
A professor was giving a big test one day. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the graded tests back.
The student got his test back along with $56 change.
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
Kid: “Papa, are you growing taller all the time?”
Father: “No, my child. Why do you ask?”
Kid: “Because the top of your head is poking up through your hair.”
Q: Why did God create Adam first and Eve as second?
A: Because he wasn’t interested in listening to anyone telling him how to make Adam.
More church bulletin bloopers:
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
A wife hangs up after about a half-hour on the phone.
The husband is surprised, "Wow, that was quick - usually you women are at it for two hours at least!"
"Yeah, well, it was a wrong number."
An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:
"Don’t be nervous, son, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."
A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.
The surprised girl said, “What was that?”
The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”
The girl slapped him soundly.
“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning: Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies: “Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back: “Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
An optimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and thinks it’s an exit.
A pessimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and assumes it is an onrushing train.
The train conductor sees two stupid guys staggering on train tracks.
A high school girl, seated next to a famous astronomer at a dinner party, struck up a conversation with him by asking, “What do you do in life?”
He replied, “I study astronomy.”
“Dear me,” said the girl. “I finished astronomy last year.”
There's a dropout named Bobby and a super genius named Greg sitting on a bench waiting on a bus. The genius gets bored, leans over to the dropout and says, "Hey, I'll tell you what, I'll ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you have to give me five bucks. If you ask me a question and I don't know the answer I have to give you 50 bucks."
The dropout says, "Alright, man."
The genius asks the dropout, "What is the Pythagorian Theory?"
The dropout replies, "I don't know." and hands the genius five bucks.
"Okay," the dropout says, "What has three legs going up a hill and four legs going down?"
The genius thinks real hard and finally gives up. He hands the dropout 50 bucks then asks, "So, what is the answer?"
The dropout says, "I don't know." and hands the genius five bucks.
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken aback, and requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. The loan officer checked the records and told him, "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest." The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away.
"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow
The man smiled. "Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present.
Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. 'I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"
So Arnold says . . . . . . . .
"I'll be Bach."
Mrs. Fleshman goes to the butcher shop to buy a chicken for the Sunday meal. The butcher has only one scrawny chicken left. He puts it on the scale.
"Three pounds," he says.
"That's too scrawny; don't you have something bigger?" Mrs. Fleshman asks.
He pretends to rummage around, and then puts the same chicken back on the scale, while pressing with his thumb.
"Three and a half pounds," he says.
"That looks better," says Mrs. Fleshman. "I'll take them both
A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.
The two Americans just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."
"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"
A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance and see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
1) you have to be single and
2) you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun kisses him. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying his eyes out. "My dear child, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young CPA agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King, until he demanded silence.
"My sword! Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and we shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Fine. Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let this other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "Indeed, the accountant must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hack him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Precisely!" said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
One rainy afternoon I was driving along one of the main streets of town, taking those extra precautions necessary when the roads are wet and slick. Suddenly, my son Matthew spoke up from his relaxed position in the front seat. "Mom, I'm thinking of something."
This announcement usually meant he had been pondering some fact for a while and was now ready to expound all that his seven-year-old mind had discovered. I was eager to hear.
"What are you thinking?" I asked.
"The rain," he began, "is like sin. And the windshield wipers are like God, wiping our sins away."
After the chill bumps raced up my arms, I was able to respond, "That's really good, Matthew." Then my curiosity broke in. How far would this little boy take this revelation?
So I asked, "Do you notice how the rain keeps on coming? What does that tell you?"
Matthew didn't hesitate one moment with his answer. "We keep on sinning and God just keeps on forgiving us."
Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.”
“Really? Why do you think so?”
“I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”
An elderly couple talk in the evening:
“Honey, I’m so sorry that I let out my anger at you so often. How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul moods?”
“I always go and clean the toilet when that happens.”
“And that helps?”
“Yes, because I’m using your toothbrush.”
A detective asks a woman, "So, your husband hanged himself?"
Woman replies, "Yes, that is correct."
The suspicious detective continues, "But why does he have all those bruises on his head?"
"The old fool used an elastic rope!"
A man and a woman are having a date.
The woman remarks, “You know, you look totally like my third husband!”
The man is startled and asks, “Really, Laura, how many times have you been married?!”
Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?"
Patrick: "It was really great mom! Today we made explosives!"
Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"
Patrick: "What school?"
Young Mia came home from Sunday School and told her mother that she had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named "Gladly".
It took her mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear."
These are questions that people actually asked of Park Rangers around the country.
Grand Canyon National Park
- Was this man-made?
- Do you light it up at night?
- Is the mule train air conditioned?
- So where are the faces of the presidents?
Everglades National Park
- Are the alligators real?
- Are the baby alligators for sale?
- Where are all the rides?
- What time does the two o'clock bus leave?
Denali National Park (Alaska)
- What time do you feed the bears?
- Can you show me where the yeti lives?
- How often do you mow the tundra?
- How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
Mesa Verde National Park
- Did people build this, or did Indians?
- Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
- Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
- Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?
Carlsbad Caverns National Park
- How much of the cave is underground?
- So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
- Does it ever rain in here?
- How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
- So what is this -- just a hole in the ground?
Yosemite National Park
- Where are the cages for the animals?
- What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
Yellowstone National Park
- Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
- How do you turn it on?
- When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
- We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?
More church bulletin bloopers:
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7:00 p.m. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the number and then sang “Happy Birthday” to him. But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.
“Don’t let it bother you,” said the stranger on the phone, “you folks need all the practice you can get.”
After his return from Rome, Will couldn’t find his luggage in the airport baggage area. He went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his bags hadn’t shown up on the carousel.
She smiled and told him not to worry because they were trained professionals and he was in good hands.
Then she asked Will, “Has your plane arrived yet?”
Mother took Willie to his first concert. The conductor was leading the orchestra and directing the soprano soloist as well. Willie was greatly interested.
“Mother, why is that man shaking his stick at the lady?” he asked.
“Hush; he is not shaking his stick at her.”
“Then what is she screaming for?”
Johnny had long heard the stories of an amazing 21st Birthday family tradition. His father, grandfather, and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Johnny‘s 21st birthday came around, he and his friend Jill took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Johnny stepped out of the boat, and nearly drowned! Jill just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Johnny went to see his grandmother. “Grandma,” he said, ‘it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?”
Granny looked deeply into Johnny‘s troubled eyes and answered, “Because your father, your grandfather, and your great-grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July.
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket, friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I'd like to hear them say...... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
“Look at ME!!” boasted the fit old man, pounding a very flat and firm stomach, having just finished 100 sit-ups before a group of young people.
“Fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t stay up late, and I don’t chase after loose women!!”
He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes aglitter, “And tomorrow — tomorrow, I’m going to celebrate my -90th- birthday!!”
“Oh, really?” drawled one of the young onlookers, “How?”
A few months before his sixtieth birthday, George began planning his party. He called up his 30-year-old daughter for some help.
“Why don’t you invite all your old high school buddies?” she asked. “That could be a lot of fun.”
“I’d like to bring all my high school buddies to the party,” said George, “but I don’t want to get arrested.”
His daughter laughed. “Why would you get arrested for bringing your high school buddies to your birthday party?”
“Don’t you know?” asked George. “Grave robbing is a crime.”
“Johnny, where’s your homework?” Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.
“My dog ate it,” was his solemn response.
“Johnny, I’ve been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?”
“It’s true, Miss Martin, I swear it is,” insisted Johnny. “I had to smear it with honey, but I finally got him to eat it.”
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non- antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable for the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways...
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"
A cleric found himself wondering whether there were any golf courses in Heaven. He even began to ask the question in his prayers. One day, in answer to his prayers, he received a direct answer from on high.
"Yes," said the Heavenly messenger, "There are many excellent golf courses in Heaven. The greens are always in first class condition, the weather is always perfect and you always get to play with the very nicest people."
"Oh, thank you," said the cleric, "That really is marvelous news."
"Yes, isn't it?" replied the messenger, "And we've got you down for a foursome next Saturday."
A sign was hung in an office window. It read:
Must type 70 words a minute.
Must be computer literate.
Must be bilingual.
An equal opportunity employer.
A dog was ambling down the street and saw the sign. He looked at it for a moment, pulled it down with his mouth, and walked into the manager's office, making it clear he wished to apply for the job.
The office manager laughed and said, "I can't hire a dog for this job."
The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer."
So the manager said, "OK, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted.
The manager said, "Alright, here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it."
Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.
The manager still wasn't convinced. "I still can't hire you for this position. You've got to be bilingual."
The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."
A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!" he whined.
"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" Oh my gaaad...", replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was,
"Where's my Rolex!!!!!"
A homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank-you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."
Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?"
"Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."
A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”
The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”
The little girl replied, “My homework.”
The new family in the neighborhood overslept and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus.
The father, though late for work himself, had to drive her. Since he did not know the way, he said that she would have to direct him to the school.
They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes – but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home.
The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she’d led him around in such a circle.
The child explained, “That’s the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It’s the only way I know.”
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.
She opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”
In first grade, the teacher was offering the class questions about the alphabet. “Can anyone tell me what comes after ‘O’?”
“I know.” – a little girl replied, holding up her hand.
“Very good.” said the teacher. “Tell the class.
“Yeah comes after O” was the reply.
A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding by. She arrives in front of God and complains, "I thought you said I had another 30 years."
God replies, "I didn't recognize you."
So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent. I'm really glad about that.
But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.
In Jesus name. Amen
Portsmouth, RI: Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he: 1. fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and 2. later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.
Lake City, Florida: Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chainsaw, which was not plugged in.
Ann Arbor News (crime column): A man walked into Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Bowling Green, Ohio, student Robert Ricketts, 19, had his head bloodied when he was struck by a Conrail train. He told police he was trying to see how close to the moving train he could place his head without getting hit.
In Wesley Chapel, Florida, Joseph Aaron, 20, was hit in the leg with pieces of the bullet he fired at the exhaust pipe of his car. When repairing the car, he needed to bore a hole in the pipe. When he couldn't find a drill, he tried to shoot a hole in it.
South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.
Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.
England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than rve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.
(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.
There is a story about a new clerk in a supermarket. A customer asked him if she could buy half a grapefruit. Not knowing what to do, he excused himself to ask the manager.
"Some nut out there wants to buy half a grapefruit..." he began, and, suddenly realizing that the customer had entered the office behind him, continued, " ... and this lovely lady would like to buy the other half."
The manager was impressed with the way the clerk amicably resolved the problem and they later started chatting. "Where are you from?" asked the store manager.
"Lancaster, Pennsylvania," replied the clerk, "home of ugly women and great hockey teams."
"Oh, my *WIFE* is from Lancaster," challenged the manager.
Without skipping a beat, the clerk asked, "What team was she on?"
Poor Leroy had fallen on hard times. He lost his job at the fertilizer plant, his wife had left him, his unemployment had run out, and he was evicted from his apartment. He packed what little he had in a knapsack, made a little sign that read "Will work for food" and set off down the road on foot.
Toward the middle of the day, he came to a farmhouse. He was getting very hungry, and so he knocked on the front door. A woman answered, and Leroy explained his situation, and how he could do most anything and how hungry he was.
At first the woman wanted no part of Leroy, but he persisted. Finally she asked "Can you paint?"
"Oh yes, ma'am," Leroy said, "I sure can paint. I've done a lot of painting. Just let me show you." The woman relented, found a can of paint and a brush and said, "You go around back and paint the porch, and I'll fix you dinner." Happily, Leroy went to work.
About 40 minutes later, Leroy appeared at the front door. "Are you finished so soon?" asked the woman.
"Oh yes, ma'am," said Leroy, "but I think you ought to know that's not a Porsche, it's a Volvo."
Unfortunately many homes, yes even so-called Christian homes, are like the one in which the little girl pointed to the Bible on the mantle that was never opened, and said to her mother, "Whose book is that?"
Her mother quite startled by her daughters question replied, "Why honey, don't you know? That is God's book!"
The child demonstrating that she had a very practical turn to her mind said, "Don't you think that we had better give it back to him? No one around here ever reads it."
Karl Barth, Paul Tillich, Reinhold Niebuhr, and James Cone find themselves all at the same time at Caesarea Philippi. Who should come along but Jesus, and he asks the four famous theologians the same Christological question, “Who do you say that I am?”
Karl Barth stands up and says: “You are the totaliter aliter, the vestigious trinitatum who speaks to us in the modality of Christo-monism.”
Not prepared for Barth's brevity, Paul Tillich stumbles out: “You are he who heals our ambiguities and overcomes the split of angst and existential estrangement; you are he who speaks of the theonomous viewpoint of the analogia entis, the analogy of our being and the ground of all possibilities.”
Reinhold Niebuhr gives a cough for effect and says, in one breath: “You are the impossible possibility who brings to us, your children of light and children of darkness, the overwhelming oughtness in the midst of our fraught condition of estrangement and brokenness in the contiguity and existential anxieties of our ontological relationships.”
Finally James Cone gets up, and raises his voice: “You are my Oppressed One, my soul's shalom, the One who was, who is, and who shall be, who has never left us alone in the struggle, the event of liberation in the lives of the oppressed struggling for freedom, and whose blackness is both literal and symbolic.”
And Jesus writes in the sand, “Huh?”
An attendant on a cross-country flight nervously announced: "I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners."
When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight."
Her next announcement came an hour later.
"If anyone wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available!"
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating straight away.
“Johnny, wait until we’ve said our prayer,” his mother reminded him.
“I don’t have to.” – the little boy replied.
“Of course you do.” – his mother insisted. “We say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house,” Johnny explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”
A man is with his wife on his deathbed. He leans towards her, "Honey, I have one last wish. After I die, marry Joe."
She replies, "I thought you hated Joe?"
He looks her deeply in the eyes and with his last breath says, "I do."
Two boys were struggling with a huge table in a doorway. They pushed and pulled and upped it and downed it until both were exhausted.
Between gasps for air, one managed to say, “We better give up…’cause we’ll never get this table into the house.”
“Into the house?” screamed the other. “I thought we were moving it out of the house!”
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his lawyer neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"
The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98." said the butcher.
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.
Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150
A kid is standing alone in the batter's box with a bat and a ball. He throws it up and swings at it, "Strike one!"
He throws it up again, "Strike two!"
He throws it up a third time, "Strike three! You're out!"
He grabs the ball and says, "Boy am I a good pitcher!"
A vulture is boarding a plane carrying a couple of dead raccoons. But before he is able to get on, the flight attendant tells him, "I'm sorry sir, you're only allowed one carrion."
Johnny is on his grandpa's farm in the rabbit enclosure. The ground is covered in rabbit droppings. Johnny asks, "What are all of the pellets on the floor grandpa?"
His grandpa replies, "Oh those? Those are smart pills. You eat them and you get smarter."
Johnny likes the sound of that so he grabs a large handful of them and shoves them into his mouth, "Yuck! Grandpa, these taste terrible."
His grandpa replies, "See, you're getting smarter already."
A man and his wife are sitting inside, by the fire, when the radio announcer comes on: "We are expecting up to a foot of snow tonight, please make sure you are parked on the even-numbered side of the road." The wife goes out and moves her car.
The next day the same thing happens, and the announcer comes on: "We are expecting up to a foot of snow tonight, please make sure you are parked on the odd-numbered side of the road." The wife goes out and moves her car.
A few days later the same thing happens and the announcer comes on: "We are expecting up to two feet of snow tonight, please make sure you are parked on the-" but the power goes out in the middle of the announcement.
The wife freaks out, "Which side do I put my car on?!"
Her husband tenderly confronts her saying, "How about we just leave the car in the garage this time?"