Humor & Laughs

(03/31/2019)

The Chief of Staff of the Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in a recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-35 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up.

 

The chief of staff stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

 

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

 

The general turns to his aide and says, "Sign him up -- all the paper work done, everything, do it today!" The aide hustles the young man off.

 

The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

 

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

 

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need woodchoppers in the Air Force. What else do you know how to do?"

 

"I chop wood!"

 

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me. We don't need woodchoppers; this is the 21st century!"

 

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

 

"Of course we did," says the general, "But he's a pilot!"

 

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "I HAVE to chop it before he can pile it!"

​

(03/28/2019)

A Dad's kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

 

He noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and so he asked why it was so long.

 

"Because," his son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

​

(03/27/2019)

Little Tony was so happy to see his grandmother that he ran up and gave her a big hug.

 

"I'm so happy to see you, grandma. Now daddy will have to do that trick he's been promising to do!"

 

His grandmother was curious. "What trick is that, sweetie?"

 

The little guy smiled at her, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again!"

​

(03/23/2019)

The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated:

 

"Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good. Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run."

 

With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement:

 

"Now for the bad news. Private Peters will be driving the truck."

​

(03/21/2019)

After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital.

 

He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left.

 

Later, the wife's roommate commented: "Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine."

​

(03/20/2019)

Two hunters were dragging their dead deer down a trail back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

 

"Hey, I don't want to tell you what to do, but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

 

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

 

A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

 

"Yeah," the other added, "but we're getting farther away from the truck!"

​

(03/19/2019)

A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center and registered his qualifications.

 

He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favored formal attire, and was very petite.

 

The computer operated faultlessly. It sent him a penguin.

​

(03/18/2019)

In a rush to work one morning, a guy pulled up to the drive-through window at a fast-food restaurant and ordered some coffee. Because he was in a hurry, he asked them to put a couple of ice cubes in the coffee so it would cool down more quickly and he could drink it faster.

 

He sat there at the pickup window for a few minutes, wondering where they had to go to get his coffee, when a frustrated teenager finally came up and said, "I'm sorry for the delay, but the ice you wanted in your coffee keeps melting!"

​

(03/16/2019)

When the man came home, his wife was crying.

 

"Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.

 

"My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" the man asked.

 

"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you and marked private arrived. I opened it because I was curious."

 

"And?"

 

"At the end of the letter it was written: PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."

​

(03/15/2019)

A husband and wife had opposite work schedules. He worked during the day, and she worked at night.

 

One morning the wife noticed he had left a note to himself on the kitchen counter that read, "STAMPS!"

 

As a helpful surprise, she bought him some at the post office and put them on the counter before going to work.

 

The next morning she found the same note. "STAMPS!" was crossed out.

 

Underneath it he had written, "ONE MILLION DOLLARS!"

​

(03/14/2019)

One night at an economy motel, a guy ordered a 6:00 a.m. wake-up call.

 

The next morning, he awoke before 6:00, but the phone did not ring until 6:30.

 

"Good morning," a young man said sheepishly. "This is your wake-up call."

 

Annoyed, the guy let the motel worker have it. "You were supposed to call me at 6:00 AM!" He complained. "What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?"

 

"Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you probably wouldn't be staying in this motel!"

​

(03/11/2019)

Jack Benny and George Burns became friends when both were young performers working their way up through the vaudeville circuit, and they remained friends until Benny died. One day, they were lunching at a Hollywood restaurant, and Benny was wrestling with the problem of whether or not to butter his bread.

 

"I like butter on my bread," he said. "But my diet strictly forbids butter. Maybe I should call Mary and ask her what to do."

 

"Jack," Burns said, "don't be ridiculous. You're a grown man. You should be able to decide, without your wife's help, whether or not to butter your own bread."

 

"You're right," Benny said. "I'll just have the butter, that's all."

 

When the waiter arrived with the check, Burns pointed to Benny and said, "He's paying."

 

"What?" Benny said. "Why should I have to pay the whole bill?"

 

"Because if you don't," Burns said, "I'll tell Mary about the butter."

​

(03/10/2019)

A factory owner said to a store owner, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you."

 

"Wow, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I argue every bill and always pay late."

 

The factory owner said, "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred."

​

(03/09/2019)

A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place. They put up a big bold sign which read:

 

"WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"

 

Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign:

 

"WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS"

​

(03/07/2019)

Here is an explanation of the school homework policy:

 

Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner:

 

15 minutes looking for assignment.

11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.

23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.

8 minutes in the bathroom.

10 minutes getting a snack.

7 minutes checking the TV Guide.

6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.

10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.

​

(03/05/2019)

The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. The pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand.

 

Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer."

 

One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."

​

(03/04/2019)

A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the busy owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.

 

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

 

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

 

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

 

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."

​

(03/03/2019)

A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to Morris, the circus impresario.

"I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you."

He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off. He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars forward, then swoops upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground landing softly on the toe of one foot.

Morris stares blankly at him for a long time. Finally he says, "Is that all you've got? Bird imitations?"

​

(03/02/2019)

David filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station.

After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.

Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit.

Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.

"Great," David thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one's even better because it locks ..."

​

(03/01/2019)

A recently married man was walking with his father one day and said: "My new wife's cooking is so bad, we pray AFTER we eat!" 

​

(02/27/2019)

A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!" 

The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island."

There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here." 

As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something." 

"Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island? Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't go out to Coney Island?" 

​

(02/25/2019)

According to statistics, last year over 17 million American families paid a lot of money for things that looked funny and didn't work.

 

Seven million of these were antiques; the rest were college students.

​

(02/23/2019)

The IRS returned a tax return to a man in New Jersey after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.

 

In response to question23: "Do you have anyone dependent on you?", the man wrote: "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack-heads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, plus 650 idiots in Washington, and the entire group that call themselves politicians.

 

On the returned form, someone at the IRS had attached a Post-it Note beside the question with an arrow and the words: "Your response to question 23 is unacceptable."

 

The man sent it back to the IRS with his response on the bottom of the Post It Note: "Who did I leave out?"

​

(02/22/2019)

More GM 'help line' humor:

HELPLINE: "General Motors Help line, how can I help you?"

 

CUSTOMER: "Your car stinks!"

 

HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"

 

CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"

 

HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"

 

CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't start!"

 

HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"

 

CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash anymore!"

​

(02/20/2019)

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers.  But, imagine if they did . . .

 

HELPLINE: "General Motors Help line, how can I help you?"

 

CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"

 

HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"

 

CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"

 

HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."

 

CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

​

(02/19/2019)

VARIATIONS ON "IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING'

​

THE ORIGINAL VERSION:
If you love something,
Set it free...
If it comes back, it's yours;
If it doesn't, it never was yours.

​

THE PESSIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours;
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

​

THE OPTIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody,

Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.

​

THE SUSPICIOUS VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, ask her why.

​

THE IMPATIENT VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time limit,
forget her.

​

THE PATIENT VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait
until she comes back ...

​

THE PLAYFUL VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again. Repeat

​

THE LAWYER'S VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second
amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...

​

THE BILL GATES VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees
and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

​

THE STATISTICIAN'S VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high;
If she doesn't, your relationship was improbable anyway.

​

THE POSSESSIVE VERSION:
If you love somebody
don't ever set her free.

​

THE MBA VERSION:

If you love somebody
set her free...
instantaneously...
and look for others simultaneously.

​

THE PSYCHOLOGIST'S VERSION:

If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant;
If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme;
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

​

THE FINANCE EXPERT VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans;
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

​

THE MARKETING VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty;
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.

​

(02/18/2019)

A man driving his car down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle blocking the entire way. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a goober leaning on a fence.

 

"Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked.

 

"I reckon so," replied the goober.

 

Pulling ahead, the mans car was immediately swallowed by the puddle. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out and up to the surface. As his head broke the surface the man said to the goober, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!"

 

"Well, shoot!" he relied, scratching his head. "It only comes up chest-high on my ducks!"

​

(02/17/2019)

Dave went on a business trip for a few days.When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him.

 

"She spent every night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said.

 

"What an example of true love," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?"

 

"Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."

​

(02/14/2019)

A guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. He sees one on a perch with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to it's right leg. He asks the owner the significance of the strings.

 

"Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string he speaks French; if you pull the green string he speaks German," replies the shop keeper.

 

"And what happens if I pull both the strings?" our curious shopper inquires.

 

"I fall off my perch, you idiot!!" screeches the parrot.

​

(02/13/2019)

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

 

"Where's Henry?"

 

"Henry had a nasty fall and broke both of his legs. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."

 

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!"

 

"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

​

(02/11/2019)

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.

 

"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.

 

"He's not so smart," said one of the irked players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

​

(02/09/2019)

A guy was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to him struck up a conversation. Just as he was telling him that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead.

 

"Ah," he sighed, "that must be her checking out now."

​

(02/08/2019)

A salesman telephoned a household and a young boy answered. "May I speak to your mother?" the salesman asked.

 

The boy replied, "She's not here right now."

 

The salesman then asked, "Is there anyone else there?"

 

The boy replied, "My sister."

 

The salesman asked, "May I speak to her"?

 

The boy replied, "I guess so."

 

At this point there was a long period of silence on the phone. Then the boy returned and said, "Hello?"

 

The salesman responded, "It's you again? I thought you were going to get your sister."

 

To which the boy replied, "I tried, but I can't get her out of the playpen!"

​

(02/07/2019)

"How many politically-correct people does it take to screw in a light-bulb?"

 

"Look, I don't know, but that's not funny."

​

(02/03/2019)

An ice cream store employee is standing behind the counter on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant goobers. They come up to the counter, order 10 triple-scoop cones and take their order over and sit down at a large table. Then they begin chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

 

Soon, three more goobers arrive, take up their cones and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

 

Two more goobers show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

 

Finally, the tenth goober comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

 

The store employee can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the employee asks one of the goobers, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

 

The goober who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that goobers are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

​

(02/01/2019)

Home Mechanics Tools and Their Usage (Part 2):

 

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake set-up, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

 

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

 

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

 

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

 

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

 

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

 

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build up.

 

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

​

(01/31/2019)

Home Mechanics Tools and Their Usage (Part 1):

 

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of radar device to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

 

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

 

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

 

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

 

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the pessimism principle.
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 

VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing grease out of.

 

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for, the last 15 minutes.

 

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

​

(01/29/2019)  

After a lady's car had leaked motor oil on her cement driveway, she bought a large bag of cat litter to soak it up.

 

It worked so well, that she went back to the convenience store to get another bag to finish the job.

 

Remembering her, the clerk remarked, "Lady, if that were my cat, I'd keep it outside!"

​

(01/28/2019)

The mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses her children alike, right down to the youngest baby.

 

"When we had just four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn't lose any of them."

 

"Now," she added, looking around at her brood of nine, "I dress them alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."

​

​

(01/27/2019)

Old man Johnson limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doc, my right knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"

 

The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Mr. Johnson, just how old are you?"

 

"98!" Johnson announced proudly.

 

The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You're practically one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what do you expect?"

 

The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it don't hurt!"

​

(01/26/2019)

Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

 

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

 

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

 

"Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

​

(01/25/2019)

Tyler and Katz, two judges, were each arrested on speeding charges. When they arrived in court on the appointed day, no one was there, so instead of wasting time waiting around they decided to try each other. Motioning Tyler to the stand, Katz said, "How do you plead?"

 

"Guilty."

 

"That'll be fifty dollars and a warning from the court."

 

Katz stepped down and the two judges shook hands and changed places. "How do you plead?" asked Tyler.

 

"Guilty."

 

Tyler reflected for a moment. "These reckless driving cases are becoming all too common of late," he pointed out. "In fact, this is the second such incident in the last quarter hour. That'll be two hundred dollars and ten days in jail."

​

(01/24/2019)

One of a tellers jobs at a bank is to answer the phones and put callers through to the right person.

 

When a customer called one day asking to speak with a bank representative, the teller said, "Of course, Sir. What is it about exactly?"

 

Dryly, he replied, "It's about money."

​

(01/23/2019)

A jockey is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horse's trainer. The trainer tells the jockey that this is the worst horse he has ever seen. It has had 23 races and finished last in every one of them. If it doesn't win today the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning.

 

The jockey mounts up and takes the horse down to the start. The race begins and the horse is immediately 10 lengths behind the pack. So the jockey gives the horse a sharp thwap on the shoulder.

 

Nothing.

 

He then gives him a series of strikes on the rump.

 

Nothing.

 

He then gives him two wallops right on the hindquarters.

 

The horse comes to a sudden stop, turns to the jockey and says "Give it a rest with that whip, will ya, buddy? I have to be up at four in the morning to deliver milk."

​

(01/22/2019)

After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division,  aguy eagerly asked my Recruiter what he could expect from jump school.

 

"Well," he said, "its three weeks long."

 

"What else," the guy asked.

 

"The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said. "The second week, they separate the men from the fools."

 

"And the third week?" the recruit asked.

 

"The third week, the fools jump."

​

(01/21/2019)

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

 

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude . . .?"

 

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

​

(01/20/2019)

THINGS YOU LEARN FROM THE MOVIES:

 

- It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

 

- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

 

- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

 

- Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

 

- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

 

- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

 

- No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

 

- Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

 

- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. If they're villains, they will probably speak with an English accent.

 

- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

 

- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

 

- An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

 

- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

​

(01/19/2019)

A goober walks up to the return counter at Walmart and says to the clerk, "I'd like to return this thermos."

 

"Is it defective?" replies the clerk.

 

"Yes," says the goober, "it does not work the way it's supposed to. I was told it would keep hot things hot, and cold things cold and it doesn't do either."

 

"What did you put in it?" asks the clerk.

 

The goober says, "Two cups of coffee and an ice cream sandwich."

​

(01/18/2019)

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.

 

The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

 

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Wow doc, exactly what's my problem?"

 

The doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

​

(01/17/2019)

A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game. The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and was watching the action.

 

A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at the fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year."

 

His girlfriend snuggled closer and said to the surprised young man, "That's the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of how you said it, I accept!"

​

(01/16/2019)

The Pentagon recently unveiled its new super computer to the top brass. This fantastic device, capable of making bazillions of decisions in split nanoseconds, is designed to solve all military problems with the greatest of ease.

 

To test its capabilities, the brass poses a tactical problem to it and then asks for a decision, "Attack or retreat?"

 

The computer hums a bit, blinks a myriad of lights and answers, "Yes."

 

The brass, somewhat confused by this answer, replies, "Yes what?"

 

The computer instantly replies, "Yes, SIR!"

​

(01/15/2018)

Children's Attempts at Singing Well Known Hymns:

 

- Give us this day our deli bread!

 

- Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast.

 

- We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese.

 

- Gladly, the consecrated, cross-eyed bear.

 

- He carrots for you.

 

- Bringing in the sheets.

 

- Yield not to Penn Station.

 

- Dust around the throne.

 

- Praise God from whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures, HERE WE GO

 

- While shepherds washed their socks by night

 

- He socked me and boxed me with His redeeming glove.

​

(01/14/2019)

Over the years, people have come up with a number of great reasons to eat chocolate. The following 11 reasons are all viable options for yourself or a friend to eat chocolate with a clear conscience. ENJOY!

 

*Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable. To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

 

*Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

 

*If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

 

*The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

 

*Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

 

*If you eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

 

*Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

 

*Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

 

*A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

 

*If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

​

(01/13/2019)

A gentleman goes to an estate sale and notices that one of the items for sale is a large parrot. He has always wanted a talking bird, so when it comes up for bid he offers $50.

 

The bidding proceeds hot and heavy with someone always bidding ten dollars more than he until the parrot is finally sold to him for $1,500.

 

When he goes to get the bird, he asks the auctioneer, "Can the bird talk?"

 

The auctioneer replied, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"

​

(01/11/2019)

YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN TROUBLE WHEN:

 

Your accountant's letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.

 

Your suggestion box starts ticking.

 

You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.

 

The simple instructions enclosed aren't.

 

People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.

 

The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

 

Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the District Attorney is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.

​

(01/10/2019)

Two elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.

 

"I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That habit really bothers me!" the first one said.

 

"Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented, "but I broke him of that habit real quick."

 

"What did you do?"

 

"I hid his teeth!"

​

(01/09/2019)

"Doctor!" whined the patient. "I keep seeing spots before my eyes."

 

The physician scratched his head, "Why have you come to me? Have you seen an ophthalmologist?"

 

"No," replied the patient, "just spots."

​

(01/07/2019)

It seems this Goober was wanting a dog for a pet, so he went to the local pet store to buy one.

 

He asked the clerk "how much are your dogs?"

 

She replied, "They are $10.00 apiece."

 

The goober replied, "How much for a whole one?!"

​

(01/06/2019)

An elderly lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs.

 

Several months later, the doctor took off the cast.

 

"Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady.

 

"Yes," he replied.

 

"Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!"

​

(01/05/2019)

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE IN FOR A LONG SERMON:

 

1. There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.

1. The pews have camper hookups.

1. You overhear the pastor telling the soundman to have a few dozen extra tapes on hand to record today's sermon.

1. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.

1. The preacher breaks for an intermission.

1. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.

1. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet. 

1. The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys.

1. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass.

 

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE IN FOR A LONG SUNDAY SERMON 

1. The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch the super bowl" but it's only November!

​

(01/03/2019)

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop pretty high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. However, the next morning the kangaroo was out again, just roaming around the zoo.

 

The zoo officials raised the height of the fence to twenty feet. Again, however, the next morning the kangaroo was again roaming around the zoo.

 

This kept on, night after night, until the fence was sixty feet high.

Finally, the camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

 

The kangaroo replied, "Probably a hundred feet, unless somebody starts locking the gate at night!!"

​

(01/02/2019)

There were two Goobers walking toward each other down the street. One Goober was carrying a sack.

 

When they met up, the second Goober asked, "Whatcha got in that there sack?"

 

The Goober with the sack replied, "Just some chickens."

 

The second Goober said, "If I guess how many chickens are in that there sack, can I have one?"

 

The first Goober answered, "I'll give ya both of them if you get it right."

 

So, the second Goober thought and thought. Finally he guessed. "Five?"

​

(01/01/2019)

A young minister sitting down to dinner was about to say grace when he opened the casserole dish that his thrifty new bride had prepared from all of the refrigerator leftovers.

 

"I don't know," he said dubiously, "but it seems to me that I've blessed all this stuff before."

​