Humor & Laughs
a time to weep and a time to laugh Ecclesiastes 3:4a (NIV)
After the baby was baptized, her four-year-old brother was crying inconsolably in the back seat of the car.
"What’s the matter Johnny?" asked his concerned mother.
Johnny replied: "That man said that he hoped our baby would be raised in a good Christian home… I just want her to stay with you guys."
The church is struck by lightning. The insurance company refuses to pay out for damages incurred, as there is a specific disclaimer clause for "An act of God", which, amongst others, lightning is classified as.
The Pastor goes to every household and asks for a donation to rebuild the church. One Christian farmer protested, "I'm sorry, Pastor, but I can't give money to somebody who set his own house on fire!"
Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. Johnny asked his mom, “Where’d he come from?”
“He came from heaven, Johnny.”
Johnny responded: “Wow! I can see why they threw him out!”
The story of Adam and Eve was being carefully explained in the children's Sunday School class. Following the story, the children were asked to draw a picture that would illustrate the story.
Little Bobby drew a picture of a car with three people in it. In the front seat was a man and in the back seat, a man and a woman.
The teacher was at a loss to understand how this illustrated the lesson of Adam and Eve. Little Bobby was prompt with his explanation. "Why, this is God driving Adam and Eve out of the garden!"
A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.
"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."
The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"
"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."
"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."
Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he’d become comfortable, the front doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on terry cloth slippers and a large towel, wrapped his head in a smaller towel, and went to the door. A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any magazines. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.
The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and towels, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell, and hit his back against the hard porcelain of the tub.
Muttering under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.
After examining him, the doctor said, “You know, you’ve been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax. Why don’t you go home and take a long hot bath?”.
Things You Never Hear in Church:
Hey! It's MY turn to sit on the front pew!
I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went over time 25 minutes.
Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
I've decided to give our church the $500.00 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
Forget the denominational minimum salary: let's pay our pastor so she/he can live like we do.
I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
Since we're all here, let's start the worship service early!
Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
A Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog.”
One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother doing the dishes at the kitchen sink. She was noticing that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
After a while she said, "Why are some of your hairs white, Momma?" Her mother, wanting to get some sympathy replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this for a while, and then asked, "So, Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?”
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife…."
On a wintry day, a 90-year-old man was in the supermarket trying to pay for his groceries. Bundled up against the cold, his gloved hands were having trouble retrieving and counting the exact change.
The transaction evidently took too long for the man behind him in line, who muttered a curse.
Dad stopped counting, turned around, and warned, “Be quiet or I’ll write a check.”
A senior citizen was chatting with his 80-year-old buddy. "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Do I know her?"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Is she a good cook?"
"Nah, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!”
One day a famous man went to a nursing home to see all of his friends again and see how there were doing. When he got there EVERYBODY greeted him [because, of course, everybody knows him].
One man he noticed didn't come up to him or say anything to him, so later he walked up to the man and asked him "Do you know who I am?"
The old man replied "No, but you can go to the front desk and they'll tell you.”
Grandma Annie’s first great-grandchild was born. After a few weeks, when the parents said they needed a little break, Grandma Annie was given the job of watching the child.
During the day Annie’s friend Ruthie comes to visit. “Let me see the little cutie,” says Ruthie.
“Not yet”, Annie responds.
About five minutes later Ruthie asks again. Again, she is refused.
So, in a little bit Ruthie asks one more time and is refused again. “What are you waiting for?”, Ruthie shouts out.
“I’m waiting for her to cry. “ says Annie.
“Why??” Ruthie exclaims.
“Because I forgot where I put her.
A young man who volunteers to sing to patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in the Bronx and took his musical instruments along. He told some jokes and sang some songs at the patients’ bedsides.
When he was finished for the afternoon he said, in all sincerity, “I hope you get better.”
One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.”
"The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation..
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought... He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
A guy noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. He stopped and asked him what was wrong. He told him, "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
The guy said "Well, then why are you crying?"
The old mad added, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite biscuits, cleans the house and then watches sports on television with me for the rest of the afternoon."
The guy said, "Well, I still don't know why you're crying."
He said, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then we cuddle until the small hours."
The guy asked "Well then, why in the world would you be crying?"
The old man replied, "I can't remember where I live."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now writes error messages for Microsoft.
Rumor has it, Billy Graham Ministries is starting up an Emotional Support Group for middle-aged men experiencing hair loss. Apparently, they close every meeting with the benediction: "Go, and thin no more!"
A guy strikes up a conversation with a lumberjack that he meets in a bar.
"How many trees do you think you've chopped down?" the guy asks.
"Exactly 2,742," the lumberjack replies.
"How do you know?"
"Because every time I chop one down, I keep a log."
The Sunday School teacher was describing that when Lot's wife looked back at Sodom she turned into a pillar of salt, when Bobby interrupted. "My mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced, "and she turned into a telephone pole."
Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Ireland. One is holding a cross and the other a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money into the hat of the man with the cross. Soon, the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.
A priest watches for a while and then approaches the men. He says to the man with the Star of David, "Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions holding a Star of David."
The man turns to the one with the cross and says, "Moishe, can you imagine, this goy is trying to tell us how to run our business?"
How many members of the Tate family belong to your church?
There is old man Dic-Tate who wants to run everything, while Uncle Ro-Tate tries to change everything. There's sister Agi-Tate who stirs up plenty of trouble, with help from her husband, Irri-Tate. Whenever new projects are suggested, Hesi-Tate and his wife, Vege-Tate, want to wait until next year. Then there is Aunt Imi-Tate, who wants our church to be like all the others. Devas-Tate provides the voice of doom, while Poten-Tate wants to be a big shot.
But not all members of the family are bad. Brother Facili-Tate is quite helpful in church matters. And a delightful, happy member of the family is Miss Felici-Tate. Cousins Cogi-Tate and Medi-Tate always think things over and lend helpful, steady hands.
And of course there is the black sheep of the family, Ampu-Tate, who has completely cut himself off from the church.
How about it - do you know anyone in the "Tate" family?
(03/21/2021) One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"
"I know, I know!" a little boy exclaimed, "pantyhose!"
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping"
- You're running out of clean clothes and the robe saves on laundry.
- The church is usually crowded and you want to make sure you always have a seat.
- You've just been selected for jury duty and you want to get used to sitting with a large group of people.
- The collection plate is never passed to the choir.
- There's a clock in the back of the church and you want to know when one hour has passed.
- For years you have wanted to know who sits in the back of the church but were afraid to turn around and look.
- You've been known to nod off during the service and don't want the minister to catch you.
- The chairs for the choir are padded and are the most comfortable chairs in the church.
A man lay dying and he began to yell out, "I need a priest, I need a priest!"
Another man came along and asked what was wrong. The dying man said, "I need a priest to give me last rites, I'm dying," the man said.
"There are no priests around here, but maybe I can help." I'm not a religious person myself, but I have lived next to the Catholic Church my whole life and I hear their ritual all the time. I think that I can say it for you."
The dying man said, "Thank You."
So the helpful man leaned close to the dying man and in a soft voice repeated the ritual as he has heard it so many times: "B-6, N-33, G-52, I-24, ... Bingo.”
The Pastor came to visit the other day. He said that at my advanced age I should be thinking of the hereafter.
I told him, "Oh, I do it all the time."
"No matter where I am - in the living room, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I am always asking myself: 'Now, what am I here after?'"
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied,
"I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, its my face they would recognize."
Airline flight attendant: "Welcome aboard Stingem Flight XXX to YYY.' We are pleased to have some of the best pilots in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"
Fred was in his early 60's, retired and had started a second career in catering. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 2, 3, 5 minutes late. However, he was a good worker and very clever, so the owner was in a quandary about how to deal with it.
Finally, one day he called Fred into the office for a talk. "Fred, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a top class job, but you're being late so often is quite a worry."
"Yes, I realize that, sir, and I am working on it." replied Fred.
"I'm pleased to hear that, you are a team player. It's odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Navy. What did they say if you came in late then?"
"They said, "Good morning, Admiral".'
After his return from an overseas, a guy couldn't find his luggage in the airport baggage area. So he went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his bags hadn't shown up on the carousel.
She smiled and told him not to worry because they were trained professionals and he was in good hands. "Now", she asked him, "has your plane arrived yet?"
A man boasts to a friend about his new hearing aid, "It's the most expensive one I've ever had, it cost me $3,500."
His friend asks, "What kind is it?"
The man says, "Half past four."
A large factory in a small town will only recruit married men. One of the local women, a feisty young lady, was angry about this and demanded to speak to the manager to find out why.
She demanded to know, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous.......or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the Factory Manager replied. "It's because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut, and don't pout when I yell at them."
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman all entered a 26 mile long swimming race. After 12 miles the Scottish man gets tired and drops out. Then after 16 miles the English man gets tired and drops out. After 25 miles the Irish man decides he can't finish the race, so he turns around and swims back to the start.
Rosie buys a self-assembly, flat-pack, cupboard for her bedroom from her local Home Depot store. Reaching home she reads the instructions carefully, counts the pieces, then assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks great and she is delighted.
Now, Rosie lives near a railway line and as the train passes by the cupboard collapses. Undaunted by this misfortune she re-reads the instructions and reassembles the cupboard. Once more, another train passes and the whole cupboard collapses again.
Rosie, now frustrated and thinking that she must have done something, "wrong" re-re-reads the instructions and re-re-assembles the cupboard. Shortly, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses yet again for the 3rd time.
Rosie is now fed up and rather angry so she calls the customer service department at Home Depot. She is told that this is quite impossible and that they'll send along a carpenter to look at it.
The carpenter arrives and assembles the cupboard. Again, a train passes and the cupboard collapses. Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the carpenter decides to reassemble the cupboard and sit inside it to see whether he can find out what causes the cupboard to collapse.
At this point, Rosie's husband comes home, sees the cupboard and says, "Oh, that's a great looking cabinet," and opens it to look inside.
The carpenter, who had been wondering how to explain his position in Rosie's bedroom cabinet, blurts out, "You probably won't believe me, but I'm sitting here waiting for a train."
The hospital's consulting dietician was giving a lecture to several community nurses.
"The rubbish we put into our stomachs and consume should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is terrible. Fizzy drinks attack your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with msg. Vegetables can be disastrous because of fertilizers and pesticides and none of us realizes the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking water. However, there is one food that is incredibly dangerous and we all have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives. Now, is anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?:
A 65-year-old nurse sitting in the front row stood up and said, 'Wedding cake.'