Humor & Laughs

Oct 2020 - Dec 2020

a time to weep and a time to laugh  Ecclesiastes 3:4a (NIV)

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11/06/2019

(12/31/2020)

A circus owner walked into a restaurant to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.

 

The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

 

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the restaurant in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"

 

"So?," asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

(12/30/2020)

A woman answered the doorbell with a man standing on her porch. The man said, "I'm terribly sorry. I just ran over your cat and I would like to replace it for you."

 

The woman replied, "Well that's alright with me, but how are you at catching mice?"

(12/29/2020)

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees.

 

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The bartender pours the man a drink on the house and he puts the rat and piano away.

 

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.

 

The man reaches into his pockets again and pulls out the tiny rat and tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into a third pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

 

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

 

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"

 

"Don't worry about it," the man answered. "The frog was nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

(12/28/2020)

Jennifer was a pretty 18 year old girl.  In the week before Christmas she sauntered up to the Christmas decorations counter, and was trying to decide which of the many types of tinsel she would buy.

 

Finally, she made her choice and asked the young man who was manning the section.  "How much is this gold tinsel garland'"

 

The young man pointed to the Christmas mistletoe above the counter and said, "This week we have a special offer, just one kiss per yard".

 

"Wow, that's great", said Jennifer, "I'll take 12 yards".

 

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the boy measured out the tinsel, wrapped up the garland, and gave it to Jennifer.

 

She then called to an old man who had been browsing through the Christmas trees and said, "My Grandpa will settle the bill"'

(12/27/2020)

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.”

 

Intrigued, he walks in. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

 

“I've led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

 

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

 

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

(12/18/2020)

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

 

Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it.

 

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

 

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

 

Get off the merry-go-round!

(12/16/2020)

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?"

"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man.

"OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer.

"But it's only $500," replied the man.

"Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"

(12/15/2020)

A guy's sister had been ill, so he called to see how she was doing. His ten-year-old niece answered the phone.

"Hello," she whispered.

"Hi, Honey. How's your mother doing?" he asked.

"She's sleeping," she answered, again in a whisper.

"Did she go to the doctor?" he asked.

"Yes. She got some medicine," my niece said softly.

"Well, don't wake her. Just tell her I called. What are you doing, by the way?"

Again in a soft whisper, she answered, "Practicing my trumpet."

(12/14/2020)

A young mother was preparing breakfast for her two young sons--a five year-old and a three year-old. They were arguing over who would get the first pancake.

The mother, trying to instill good morals in her sons, asked them to remember WWJD. She said that Jesus would say: "Let my brother have the first pancake."

The 5 yr-old quickly turned to the 3 yr-old and said, "You play Jesus." 

(12/12/2020)

A preacher and a bus driver both passed away at the same time and were both entering Heavens gate. The Lord welcomed both the preacher and the bus driver in and took them to a place over looking a serene valley with beautiful soft rolling hills just beyond.

To the preacher he said, "My son, do you see that little cottage with the white gate and all the flowers down there in the valley? The one over there just beyond the creek?" The preacher said he did. The Lord then told him that this was now his heavenly home and this is where he would be spending eternity.

The Lord then turned to the bus driver and said, "My son, do you see that big stately mansion up there in the hills? The one just to the right of the waterfall where the golden path leads up to it?" The bus driver said he did. The Lord then told him that this was now him heavenly home and this is where he would be spending eternity.

With this the preacher turned to the Lord and with amazement exclaimed that there must be some mistake. "I have been your loyal servant all of my life." He went on to explain to the Lord that he was truly a man of God. The preacher said, "Lord, I accepted you as my savior when I was just a child. I studied your word as a young man, than preached your gospel the rest of my life. How can it be that I am to spend eternity in this small cottage when the bus driver gets the mansion in the hills?"

The Lord replied. My son, it is true that you have been my loyal servant. And, both of you have been in a position to influence my children.

However, while you preached, my children slept. It was while he was driving that they prayed!

(12/11/2020)

A salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in the department store. He was impressing the people who stopped to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.

Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said,

"And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside..."

(12/10/2020)

During a visit to a military medical clinic, a woman was sent to the lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months.

As he applied the tourniquet on her arm, he told her that taking the blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing her Air Force T-shirt he asked me what her husband did.

When she replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I thought."

(12/08/2020)

Sam Johnson goes to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gives him a clean bill of health.

"Sam, you're in excellent shape for an 85 year old man. But I'm not a magician - I can't make you any younger," says the doctor.

"Who asked you to make me younger?" says Sam. "You just make sure I get older!"

(12/07/2020)

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

 

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."

 

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

 

Cop lets him go.

(12/05/2020)

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

 

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

 

"No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep and I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, and when I get out, I remember I left my wallet in my car. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, and just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison."

(12/04/2020)

A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?"

 

He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later."

 

The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, and love you too."

(12/03/2020)

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch.

 

At the counter, the husband asked the waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"

 

She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

(12/01/2020)

Two guys have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. They need to buy another one, but only have $500.

 

One guy tells the other, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."

 

He goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, he goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. He is stumped on how to tell the other guy to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, he tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."

 

Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will he know to come with the trailer from just that word?"

 

He replies, "he doesn't read too well and he reads real slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

(11/30/2020)

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred.

 

Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a policeman approached him and asked, "What are you doing?"

 

"Playing a game," the boy replied.

 

"What is your name?" the officer questioned.

 

"Mind Your Own Business."

 

Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!"

 

The boy replied, "Why, yes."

(11/24/2020)

The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased with his meal that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.

 

"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."

 

"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported!"

(11/23/2020)

A lady was visiting a church one Sunday and the sermon seemed to go on forever. Many in the congregation fell asleep.

 

After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."

 

And the gentleman replied, " You're not the only one ma'am, I'm glad it's done too!!!"

(11/21/2020)

Jimmy was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the Pledge of Allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..."

 

When the teacher's eyes fell on Jimmy, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his behind.

"James, I will not continue till you put your hand over your heart."

 

Jimmy replied, "It is over my heart."

 

After several attempts to get Jimmy to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"

 

"Because, every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."

(11/19/2020)

Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

 

She returned to Kuwait after the war and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

 

Ms Walters approached one of the women for an explanation. “This is marvelous,” she said. “What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?”

 

The Kuwaiti woman replied, “Land mines.”.

(11/18/2020)

Over breakfast, a woman said to her husband, “I’ll bet you don’t know what day this is.”

“Of course I do,” he answered, as if offended, and left for the office.

 

At 10:00 a.m., a dozen red roses arrived at the house. At 1:00 p.m., a two-pound box of chocolates was delivered. The designer dress arrived at 3:00.

 

When her husband came home, the woman ran to meet him and threw her arms around his neck, “I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!”.

(11/17/2020)

Jennifer watched as the cashier rang up her purchases.

 

“Cash, check or charge?” the cashier asked after folding the items Jennifer had bought. As she fumbled for her wallet The cashier noticed a television remote control in her purse.

 

“Do you always carry your TV remote?” the cashier asked.

 

“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping for clothes with me, and I figured this was the best retaliation.”.

(11/16/2020)

Marvin was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common sense.

 

He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. “I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”

 

His wife replies, “Why thank you, dear!”.

(11/14/2020)

Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on the man’s shins.

He asked, “Do you play hockey, rugby, or any physical sport?”

 

“No. I just play bridge with my wife.”

(11/13/2020)

A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read “Unique Breakfast” so he walked in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.

 

“What’s your ‘Unique Breakfast?'” he asked.

 

“Baked tongue of chicken,” she replied.

 

“Baked tongue of chicken?… Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken’s mouth!” he fumed.

 

Undaunted, the waitress asked, “What would you like then?”

 

“Just bring me scrambled eggs,” the man replied.

(11/12/2020)

A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines.

 

“Don’t know,” the woman said.

 

He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rear view mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U-turn and drove up to them.

 

“This is my husband,” the old woman said. “He doesn’t know how to get to Des Moines either.”.

(11/11/2020)

A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago, biting his fingernails and sweating profusely. Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says, “Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?”

 

The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly. Seconds later she comes back with a drink. He downs it quickly and seems to calm down.

 

Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees him shaking and biting his nails again. She brings him another drink which he downs immediately. A half hour later she returns to see him shaking uncontrollably, and almost in tears.

 

“My goodness,” the flight attendant says, “I’ve never seen someone so afraid to fly.”

 

“I’m not afraid of flying,” says the man.

 

“Then what’s the matter?

 

“I’m trying to give up drinking.”.

(11/10/2020)

Bob had been shopping downtown all day with his wife and four little children. They were all so tired, he decided to take a taxicab home.

 

Approaching a cab driver, he demanded, “How much will you charge to drive us to the Bronx?”

 

“I figure $5 apiece for you and your wife,” said the driver. “I’ll take the four kids along for nothing.”

 

Bob turned to his children and said, “Jump in kids, and have a nice ride home. Momma and I will take the subway.”

(10/15/2020)

During a Law course class, the 'Audi Alteram Partem' rule was explained. Translated it means "To hear the other party."

 

After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule.

 

Responded one woman, "My husband."

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