Humor & Laughs
a time to weep and a time to laugh Ecclesiastes 3:4a (NIV)
Late one Saturday evening, a mother was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy grumpy voice she said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.
"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"
Since the mother didn't have any daughters, she knew the person had dialed my number by mistake.
"I'm sorry dear," the mother replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."
"Wow, Mom," the young woman's voice replied. "I didn't think you'd be this mad."
Mr. Lee was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When Mr. Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
Mr. Lee nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
Replied Mr. Lee, "No, from all that skipping."
FAMOUS SPORTS QUOTES:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
--Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle"
--Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
--Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker.
"You guys line up alphabetically by height"
--Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
--Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements
"I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class."
--George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
--Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
-- Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece.
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams".
"Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."
"Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk."
"Cancel one pint after the day after today."
"Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it"
"Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk."
"Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today."
"Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole."
"Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks."
"Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round."
"When you leave my milk, knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress."
A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like.
She said, "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.
At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
SIGNS YOUR CHURCH HAS SOLD OUT TO CORPORATE SPONSORS
- Taco Bell's talking dog now reading announcements.
- In Christmas play, Joseph seen drinking can of Coke.
- Greeters all dressed like Mr. Goodwrench.
- Personal pew licenses now sold.
- Baptismals include dolphin show from Sea World.
- Statue of Moses seen holding keys to a Jeep.
- The 12 disciples replaced by Disney characters.
- Scripture verses brought to you by Microsoft Office.
- Pastor doing subliminal product messages during sermon.
- Bulletin has coupon section.
- Choir members wear Dockers.
- In the restrooms, an attendant hands you a towel.
- There is a credit card swiper on the collection plate.
- Offering envelopes bearing Visa or MasterCard emblems on them.
- Handicap parking sponsored by the Family Medical Group, LLC.
- Wednesday night suppers sponsored by KFC.
- Sunday morning televised services sponsored by the FOX network.
- Church vans traded in for Ford Broncos.
- Church bell chimes to the tune of the NBC chimes.
- Choir robes with the Lands' End emblem on front.
- Sunday bulletins with the CNN logo.
- Free Perrier at all baptisms.
- Church flag football team sponsored by the NFL.
A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small notebooks?"
"Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."
The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"
"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.
The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?"
The manager shrugs, "Sorry."
"Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman.
"Nope. Don't have that."
"Well" the woman says, "If you don't have anything, why don't you close the store?"
The manager shrugs, "Can't. Don't have the key."
While visiting Annapolis, a tour group noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.
"What are they doing?" one of the tourists asked the tour guide.
"Each year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish this courtyard."
"So what's the answer?" the tourist asked him when the group was out of earshot of the freshmen.
The guide replied simply, "One."
Miss Smith and Little Johnny's parents were having a parent teacher conference.
Miss Smith said to the parents, "Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son."
Little Johnny's father asked, "What's that?"
"With grades like these, he couldn't possibly be cheating."
Liz goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.
Liz walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings."
"I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.
"Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"
A woman had a medical problem - her husband's snoring. So, she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."
He answered, "Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."
"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!"
"Hmm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
A man who worked the help desk for a large company received a call one day from a co-worker who called him because she couldn't figure out why her computer wouldn't come on.
So he asked her, "Did you plug it in?"
He then asked her, "Did you turn in on?"
She said, "Yes. What do you think I am? Some kind of idiot?"
So, he went to her cubicle to take a look at her computer.
She was perplexed. "See? I plugged the computer into the surge protector."
The guy goes, "Yea, but you plugged the surge protector into itself."
A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children. All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.
The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet for her response.
The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish!"
If the metric system did ever take over, we'd have to change our thinking to the following:
* A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.
* Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.
* Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
* Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
* Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.06 kilometers.
* Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.
The Importance Of Correct Punctuation
We've all been told how important it is to use correct punctuation. Well, here is a letter that illustrates the fact:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Wacky Product Warnings:
"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover."
On a public toilet: "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking."
"Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to forceful injection of water into body cavities, either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft."
On an electric router: "This product not intended for use as a dental drill."
On a novelty rock-garden set (called Popcorn Rock): "Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth."
Bill and Doug went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days.
As they slid in to a booth, Bill wiped some crumbs from the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some moisture from the table. The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus.
"No thanks," said Doug. "I'll just have a cup of black coffee."
"I'll have black coffee too," Bill said. "And please make sure the cup is clean."
The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off into the kitchen.
Two minutes later, she was back. "Two cups of black coffee," and she announced "Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"
"Everyone has feelings, except for snakes and principals."
- Donna Maria G, age 9
"Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you."
- Rob P, age 8
"If life gives you nothing but lemons, make up a better shopping list for it."
- Steven B, age 8
"Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God's Bill of Wrongs."
- Susie F., age 7
"Doctors automatically know what's wrong with you. They have a sick sense."
- Beau M., age 10
Five Toughest Questions Women Ask Men
What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly. Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is "Buy a Corvette.") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
W: Why not, don't you like being married?
M: Of course I do.
W: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
M: Okay, I'd get married again.
W: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
M: Yes, I would.
W: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
M: Where else would we sleep?
W: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
M: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
W: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
M: Of course not, Dear. She's left-handed.
Question # 2: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
E. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. (Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by a TV sitcom, where the husband told his wife, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")
Question # 3: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear!"
Inappropriate responses include:
A. I suppose so.
B. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
C. That depends on what you mean by love.
D. Does it matter?
E. Who, me?
Question # 4: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
A. Compared to what?
B. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
C. A little extra weight looks good on you.
D. I've seen fatter.
E. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 5: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
A. Yes, but you have a better personality.
B. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
C. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
D. Define pretty.
E. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
The woman replied, "Then I'll be sure my family visits me twice a week."
Murphy's Laws For Parents
The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.
Leak proof thermoses will.
The chance of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.
The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.
Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.
The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.
Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.
Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.
Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.
The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she'd have children if she had to do over again.
"Sure," she replied, "but not the same ones."
They say that a preacher's wife is always his number one assistant. An example of this comes one Sunday morning after the preacher had finished his sermon. He went on a walk that afternoon with his wife and she asked him how he thought the church service went.
The Preacher shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, and I think the prayer and communion times went quite well, but," he continued, "I just don't think the sermon ever got off the ground."
The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, "Well, it sure did taxi long enough!"
A young man joined the Navy and soon after had to attend a wedding on Monday. He asked his commanding officer for a pass but was told he had to be back by 7 p.m. Sunday.
"You don't understand, sir," the young man said. "I'm in the wedding."
"No, YOU don't understand," the officer replied. "You're in the Navy."
An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost on the prairie. After what seemed like forever, they finally came to a city. When they saw a gentleman on the sidewalk they pulled up to the curb and the lady wound down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?"
The gentleman replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."\
The woman rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said, "We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"
A loaded SUV pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leapt from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.
A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."
The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."
Timmy had been misbehaving in children's church and was isolated from the other children for a time-out. After a while, he emerged and told his teacher that he had thought it over and then prayed about it.
"Fine," said his pleased teacher. "If you ask God to help you not to misbehave, He will help you."
"Oh, I didn't ask Him that," said Timmy, "I asked Him to help you put up with me."
A man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a birthday/anniversary card.
The clerk replied, "We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?"
The man said, "You don't understand. I need a card that covers both events! You see, we're celebrating the fifth anniversary of my wife's thirty-fourth birthday..."
A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.
As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!
After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.
The groom approaches the him and asks, "Why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that speech!"
"I know..." Says the priest, "but that was just my altar ego".
A man finds an ancient oil lamp and out comes an all powerful genie.
Genie: "You have 3 wishes."
Man: "I don't know, I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way."
Genie: "I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does!"
Man: "Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth."
Genie: "Aw, come on...."
A man walks into a bar with his dog.
"This is a talking dog. If this dog can answer my questions, who will buy me a drink?" he asks.
"You can have one on the house," the bartender says.
The man turns to his dog. "What goes on the top of a house?"
Man: "What does tree bark feel like?"
Man: "Who is the greatest baseball player ever?"
The bartender is clearly annoyed and snaps at the man. "That's enough. You and your dog, get out."
After the man and the dog are thrown out, the dog looks sadly at his owner. "Should I have said DiMaggio?"
An Uber passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look man, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as an Uber driver – I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
A fleeing Taliban fighter desperate for water was lost in the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried towards ‘the object' only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties. The Taliban fighter asked, "Do you have water?!"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban fighter shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"Okay" said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom".
Muttering, the Taliban fighter staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" the man asks.
"Well I'm not sure," said the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So the vet picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy and I can't hold him up any more."
A 14-year-old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel.
"Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer."
"Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?"
"Can't, and will not serve to anyone under age."
"Fine. Well what other things do you have?"
"Well for non-alcoholics I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?"
"Pop," goes the weasel.
A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says, "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."
The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer.
The bowl of pretzels then says, "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man."
Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender, "Hey what's going on, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!"
The bartender replies, "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hadn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah! So sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peking Duck."
Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?
Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one's mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: It's also mine
A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted.
The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his yard and ruining his flower beds. He had tried everything.
Two weeks later, a friend noticed his flower beds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom.
So the friend asked him, "How did you make your neighbor finally keep his hens in his own yard?"
"Well, one night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn't bothered after that."
As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a wooden box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.
For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying.
One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents
"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."
Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.
"Where did the $82,500 come from?" he asked.
"Oh, that's the money I made selling all the doilies."
On Monday a call came in to the school receptionist: "Hello. Please mark William absent today," said the man.
"Yes of course. May I ask why?" asked the receptionist.
"He is sick," said the man.
"No problem. May I ask who is speaking?" said the receptionist.
"My uncle." said William.
An Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning. An electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company would like to run a power line through his pasture.
The Amish man said, "No."
"Legally, that paper says we can." replied the worker.
As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field, the Amish man went to his barn and turned his bull into the pasture.
As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the Amish man hollered, "Show HIM your paper!"