Humor & Laughs
a time to weep and a time to laugh Ecclesiastes 3:4a (NIV)
Actual Elementary School Excuse Notes:
* "Jerry was at his grandmother's yesterday, and she did not bring him to school because Jerry couldn't remember where the school was."
* "Ronnie would not finish his work last night. He said his brain was too tired of spelling."
* "Eric hurt his knee in a karate tournament over the weekend. He won his age group, but was in too much pain to do his math assignment."
* "Amy did not do her homework last night because we went out to a party and did not get home until late. If she is tired, please let her sleep during recess time."
* "Henry stayed home because he had a stomach ache from eating too much frosting."
* "It was my fault Mike did not do his math homework last night. His pencil broke and we do not have a pencil sharpener at home."
* "Scott didn't practice last night because he lost his tooth in the mouthpiece of his trumpet."
* "Diane was late on Wednesday. She fell asleep on the bus and was taken back to the bus yard."
* "Cody was absent yesterday because we were out bowling until 2 AM."
* "Tommy wasn't in school yesterday because he thought it was Saturday."
The Importance of Proofreading:
~ IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."
~ It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.
~ There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.
~ There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.
~ In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake.
~ Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police farce. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police force.
~ In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.
~ Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."
~ In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.
~ The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.
The teacher was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.
"How would you feel," he asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"
"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."
"You Know You Are a Bad Cook When..."
- The last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire
- You make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your family and the surprise is that it glows in the dark!
- Your homemade bread can be used as a door stop.
- The leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter.
- Those annoying pest control companies keep pestering you, wanting to buy and patent your recipe for candy Christmas cookies.
- You forget and leave a gallon of your homemade ice cream on the porch overnight during a record busting heat - and the next afternoon, not only is it still solid, but it tastes better.
- You hate rice, but you keep finding it floating around in your beef stew.
- Your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crock-pot nine days old tastes like.
- Your family prays AFTER they eat!
Ten Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House:
If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.
Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.
Work in the kitchen whenever you can ... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.
If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a twelve-year-old.
Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning the switch "on"; or just paint over it.
Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.
Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.
If something looks level, it is level.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
Signs of the Times:
In a veterinarian's office:
"All unattended children given free kitten"
In the parking lot outside a veterinarian's office in Silverton, OR:
"Parking for customers only; others will be neutered."
In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."
In a non-smoking area:
"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On maternity room door:
"Push, Push, Push."
On the fence of someone's home:
"Salesmen welcome - dog food is expensive."
Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming."
In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully; we'll wait."
A man entered a drug store and asked to see the pharmacist. When the pharmacist came out, the man asked if he could give him a cure for the hiccups.
The pharmacist immediately reached out and slapped him across the face.
"What'd you do that for?" the man asked.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
"No," the man replied, "but I'd bet that my wife out in the car still does!"
A man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife's birthday.
"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.
"You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."
Two opposing county chairman were sharing a rare moment together.
The Democrat chairman said, "I never pass up a chance to promote the party. For example, whenever I take a cab, I give the driver a sizable tip and say, 'Vote Democrat.'"
His opponent said, "I have a better scheme, and it doesn't cost me a nickel. I don't give any tip at all. And when I leave, I also say, 'Vote Democrat.'"
The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention so he asked one of his employees, Jenkins, to write him a punch, 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.
"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded.
"Half the audience walked out before I finished."
Jenkins was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."
A limousine had encountered a red traffic light and was waiting for it to change when a small Yugo also drives up. The haughty businessman in the back of the limousine started bragging to the Yugo owner that his was the best car that money could buy: "This is the best limo that money can buy. It has ABS, airbags for all passengers, automatic climate control, onboard computer control system, photochromatic glass, mini bar, a television with wifi embedded in the roof, blah blah blah...."
At this point the Yugo owner interrupted.
"But do you have a DVD player in there?"
The light changed at this point, and the limo driver pulled off. The businessman felt a bit down that he didn't have this simple item, and that very day had one installed in the limo.
A few days passed by, and again the limo was at a traffic light when the businessman spotted the Yugo again. It was pulled over to the side of the road with the glasses all steamed up, and steam coming from a half-open window. Upon seeing this, the businessman got out of his car and knocked on the window of the Yugo. After a few moments, the Yugo owner poked his head out (which was dripping with water, by the way!).
"I installed a DVD player in my limo", said the businessman proudly.
The Yugo-man responded: "You got me out of the shower for THAT?"
Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago.
"The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.," a ticket agent said, "and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m."
"Would you repeat that, please?" Bob asked.
The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a reservation?"
"No," said Bob, "But I think I'll hang around and watch that thing take off."
A man walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes.
"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out." the clerk says.
"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."
A college professor asked his class a question. "If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?"
One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said, "Professor you're 44."
The Professor said, "You're absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"
The student said, "You see Professor, I have a brother; he's 22, and he's half nuts."
One of the requirements for new Army basic trainees at Fort McClellan was a demanding 12-mile march. They got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.
An hour later, feeling the heavy load of their packs, they wondered if the end would ever come.
"Men," the drill sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"
Revitalized, the recruits picked up the pace.
"And," continued the sergeant, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."
While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the highway.
By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around. The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant.
When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the old man said,
"While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too."
A company offered tours through the historic district, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing. While leading a group, one of the guides, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist.
He went to the hospital, and as he sat waiting in the emergency room, a policeman walked by.
Doing a double take at him in his 18th-century garb he asked, "Just how long have you been waiting?"
A manager was told by his doctor to take up some sport for exercise so he decided to play tennis.
After a couple of weeks, his administrative assistant asked him how he was doing.
"It's going fine," the manager said. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says: To the corner! Backhand! To the net! Smash! Go back!"
"Really? What happens then?" the woman asked enthusiastically.
"Then my body says, 'Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!'
A man was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.
The man thought, "Great, he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun, I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
As a man drove into a parking lot, he noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian.
She seemed oblivious, so he hit his car horn to get her attention.
She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.
The man rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right. "I'm fine," she assured me, "but I hate to think what could have happened to me if that dog hadn't honked."
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"
Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto, arrived in Israel.
In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver, "Say, is this really a healthful place?"
"It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said the tourist, "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
It was John's turn to drive the carpool into town on a day when a new member was traveling along for the first time. As they rode along he began to be suspicious of his new carpooling passenger. John checked to see if his wallet was safe in the pocket of his coat that was on the seat between them, but it wasn't there! Ah, just as he suspected! He immediately slammed on the brakes, ordered the fellow out, and said, "Hand over the wallet!"
The frightened carpooler handed over a billfold, before John drove off, leaving him alone at the side of the road.
When he arrived home that evening, he started to tell his wife about the experience. Just as he started to recount the whole story, she interrupted him, saying, "Oh, that reminds me, John. Do you know that you left your wallet at home this morning?"
While riding the bus, a woman noticed a young man, who was holding onto the same pole, staring at her. Eventually, he said, "Excuse me. This is my stop."
Since she wasn't blocking his way, she was confused. "Well," she said, "go ahead."
"And this is my pole," he said.
The woman was completely perplexed until the young man added, "I just bought it at the hardware store to hold up my shower curtain."
And with that, he picked up his pole and carried it off the bus.
The pastor gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal.
Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful - so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing."
The minister, of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man say, "Why, I felt like a new man when I woke up!"
Two cowboy friends, Wally and Dallas, each bought a horse one summer. They enjoyed riding around and doing the things that cowboys do.
When winter came, however, they did not want to pay to have their horses stabled for the winter. Instead, they decided to release them in a pasture and get them in the spring. Wally noticed a problem however, and he asked Dallas, "How will we know which horse is which when we pick them up?"
Dallas answered, "Well, I've been thinking about that, and I have the answer! We'll cut the mane off of my horse and we'll cut the tail off of yours. That way, we'll know which horse belongs to you and which belongs to me."
That seemed like a great plan, and so after the trimmings, the horses were released into the pasture. When spring came around, Wally and Dallas came to get their horses, only to discover that the mane and tail on the horses had grown back during the winter.
"Dallas, since the mane and tail have grown back, how do we know which is yours and which is mine?" Wally asked.
Dallas responded, "Well, I guess you'll have to take the black one and I'll take the white one."
And more ponderings:
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Do blind eskimoes heave seeing-eye sled dogs?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why call then hot water heaters if the water is already hot?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?
Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?
How did a fool and his money GET together?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
Comments Never Heard At Church:
Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
A policeman saw a man dressed in full cowboy garb -- hat, chaps, duster, six-shooters, boots, and spurs -- standing on a street corner in a busy city. He approached the cowboy and asked him his name.
"Call me Tex!" was the cowboy's reply.
"Well, Tex, where are you from, Texas?" the policeman asked.
"Nah, I'm from Louisiana, but I couldn't very well have you call me Louise!"
A family who had just moved into a new neighborhood was anxious to make a good impression. But the neighbors seemed cold and made no overtures of welcome.
The mother of the brood was overjoyed when finally her youngest son ran in and announced happily, "Mommy, the lady down the street asked my name today!"
"Oh, how nice!" exclaimed the mother enthusiastically. "And then what did she do?"
"Then she gave it to the policeman." the boy said.
Three pastors were having lunch together at a diner.
The first pastor said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything -noise, spray, cats - nothing seems to scare them away.
The second pastor then said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't go away."
With a grin on his face, the third pastor said, "I had the same problem so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!!!"
Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill."
Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. But, when the bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.
"Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie. So I rented him a tuxedo."
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
‘How was he killed?’ asked one detective.
‘With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied.
‘A golf gun! What is a golf gun?’
‘I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.’
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
Everything had been SO incredible! !! ! "You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No, " she replies… "You just happened to catch my eye."
The church held a "Marriage Seminar" and the Priest asked Luigi, as his 50th wedding anniversary approached, to share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the audience, "Well, I tried to treat her well and spend money on her. But the best thing I did was take her to Italy for our 20th anniversary."
The Priest said "Luigi, you are an inspiration to all husbands here today. Please tell the audience what you plan for your wife for your 50th anniversary."
Luigi proudly replied "I'm gonna go and get her."
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Aw, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on."
She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
How do you KNOW it's new and improved dog food?
Why do they put locks on the doors of 24-hour stores?
Why is it called rush hour when everything moves so slow?
Why do they call them express lanes when during rush hour everything is stopped?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
If sour milk is used to make yogurt, how do you know when yogurt has gone bad?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream containers?
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
Why do we send cargo by ship, and shipments by car?
Why call it a building if it's already been built?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
If the front of your car says 'DODGE', do you really need a horn?
What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
A mother thinks there’s something strange going on and eventually decides to take a DNA test. She finds out that their child is actually not related to her or her husband at all.
Wife: "Darling, there’s something really important that we need to talk about. I did a DNA test and Roger isn't our biological child."
Husband: "Of course he isn’t, don’t you remember? We were just leaving the hospital and the baby filled his diaper so you told me, ‘Go and change the baby, I’ll wait here.’”
Husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife, "He’s been crying the whole way home. Is he sick or something?"
"No," replies the wife, "he was just trying to tell you he isn’t our Frankie."
Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.
"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."
"NO!!!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"
Adam woke up suddenly, sweating all over.
“What’s the problem”, asked his wife. “Are you OK?”
“I just dreamed that I died!” responded a shaken Adam.
“And it was so bad up there, and that’s why you’re sweating all over?” asked his wife.
“You bet!” exclaimed Adam. “I got up there, and was right in front of God himself, when he suddenly sneezed…..and I didn’t know what to say to him! Whoa was that traumatic!"
Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
-- Sauce unknown
INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.
The kangaroo mother got incredibly itchy around her belly. She opened her pouch and yelled into it:
“How often have I told you not to eat the crunchy cookies in bed!”
Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.
"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything."
"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient.
To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
Two guys were taking their first trip on a train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."
Two Virginia rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"
The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.
The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"
The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.
The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".
The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.
The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"
The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.
The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"
The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.
Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Laws of Household Physics
Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:
1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.
2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.
3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.
4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.
5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.
6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.
7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.
8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.
9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.
10. What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice Krispies.
11. Place two children in a room full of toys and they will both want to play with the same toy.
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How in the world does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?'" The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me...is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say,'Hans Olaffsen.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"
"I say Sem Ting."
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"
The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?
"I know," said the Branch Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."
"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."
"Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.
He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"
They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"