(09/30/2019)

On a U.S. cruiser the officer of the deck asked the starboard lookout, "What would you do if a sailor was washed overboard?"

 

"I'd yell 'Man overboard,' Sir" answered the lookout snappily.

 

"Good," said the officer. "Now what would you do if an officer fell overboard?"

 

The lookout asked, "Which one, sir?"

​

(09/28/2019)

THE INTERNET'S LAST PAGE:

 

You have been directed to the last page of the internet. We trust that you have enjoyed yourself.

 

Someone who loves you has sent this so they can have you back.

 

Don't be afraid . . . just stare at them and they will remind you what their name is.

​

(09/25/2019)

Before boarding a bus, a man asked the driver, "What is the fare to the train station?"

 

"Sixty cents," said the driver.

 

The man raced alongside the bus until the next stop and then gasped, "What is the fare now?"

 

"Ninety cents," said the driver. "You're running the wrong way."

​

(09/22/2019)

REASONS WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY (Part 3 of 3)

​

You get to jump up and slap stuff. 

One mood, all the time. 

You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him. 

Gray hair and wrinkles add character. 

Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 

You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back. 

You don't mooch off others' desserts. 

The remote is yours and yours alone. 

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. 

ESPN's sports center. 

You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. 

You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. 

You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom. 

If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed. 

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies. 

If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room. 

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 

You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. 

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?" 

Baywatch 

There is always a game on somewhere. 

​

(09/21/2019)

REASONS WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY (Part 2 of 3)

 

Your underwear is $10 for a three pack. 

The National College Cheerleading Championship 

None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry. 

You don't have to shave below your neck. 

If you're 34 and single nobody notices. 

Everything on your face stays its original color. 

Chocolate is just another snack. 

You can be president. 

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat. 

Flowers fix everything. 

You never have to worry about other people's feelings. 

You can wear a white shirt to a water park. 

Three pair of shoes are more than enough. 

You can eat a banana in a hardware store. 

You can say anything and not worry about what people think. 

Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. 

You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. 

You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by. 

Car mechanics tell you the truth. 

You don't care if someone notices your new haircut. 

You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking: He must be mad at me.

​

(09/20/2019)

REASONS WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY (Part 1 of 3)

 

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 

You know stuff about tanks. 

A five day vacation requires only one suitcase. 

Monday Night Football. 

Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. 

You can open all your own jars. 

Old friends don't annoy you if you've lost or gained weight. 

Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind. 

When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying. 

Guys in hockey masks don't attack you. 

You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. 

You can go to the bathroom without a support group. 

Your last name stays put. 

You can leave a hotel bed unmade. 

When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you. 

You can kill your own food. 

The garage is all yours. 

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 

You see the humor in Terms of Endearment. 

You never have to clean the toilet. 

You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes. 

Wedding plans take care of themselves. 

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. 

​

(09/19/2019)

A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the congregation, "For my text today, I will take the words, 'And they fed five men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes.'"

 

A member of the flock raised his hand and said, "That's not much of a trick. I could do that."

 

The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly: "And they fed five thousand men with five loaves of bread and two fishes."

Smiling, the minister said to the noisy man, "Could you do that, Mr. Perkins?"

 

The member of the flock said, "I sure could."

 

"How would you do it?"

 

"With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!"

​

(09/16/2019)

An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on-time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared, and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due to the increased traffic now leaving New York.

 

Sometime later he finally received his clearance and decided he would try to make up the time lost by asking for a direct route to Los Angeles. Halfway across the country, he was told to turn due south. Knowing that this turn would throw him further behind schedule, with some agitation he inquired to the controller about the reason for the turn off course.

The controller replied that the turn was for noise abatement.

 

The pilot was infuriated and said to the controller, "Look, buddy, I am already way behind schedule with all the delays you guys have given me today. I really don't see how I could be causing a noise problem for pedestrians when I am over six miles above the earth!"

 

The controller answered in a calm voice, "Apparently, Captain, you have never heard the noise of two 747's colliding!"

​

(09/14/2019)

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

 

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained.

 

"He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."

​

(09/12/2019)

A passenger on a Southwest flight says that he once faced a flight delay just before they boarded.

 

A flight attendant picked up the microphone and announced: "We're sorry for the delay. The machine that normally rips the handles off your luggage is broken, so we're having to do it by hand. We should be finished and on our way shortly."

​

(09/11/2019)

After a hardy Indiana rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.

 

The older of the two, a five year old, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother ran to the yard in a panic.

 

"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she said as she shook the older boy in anger.

 

"We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said. "I was baptizing him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes."

​

(09/10/2019)

Contents of The Student Mind During Final Exams

10% The professor never covered this section!

10% Actual knowledge on the subject.

10% The Teaching Assistant is kinda cute!

10% I knew I should have read the book!

10% Soon this will all be behind me!

10% I hope the curve is really low!

10% PANIC ZONE!

10% Prayers for a flood, fire, tornado, hurricane, earthquake, etc...

10% Eeny, meeny, miny moe...

10% Summer break!

​

(09/09/2019)

A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

 

At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

 

The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'."

 

The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur and be careful."

​

(09/07/2019)

Soon after he got his penguin, a guy was driving in town one day with the penguin sitting on the front seat next to him. A policeman noticed the penguin in the car and motioned for the man to pull over.

 

The officer says, "What are you doing with that penguin?"

 

The man replies, "We are just going for an afternoon drive."

 

The officer says, "I want you to take that penguin to the zoo right away, or you will be in big trouble."

 

The man replies, "No problem, I can do that," and the policeman let them go on their way.

 

Two days later, the man and his penguin are going for a drive again with the penguin sitting in the front seat. This time the penguin has on dark sunglasses. When they pass through town, the same policeman spots the penguin in the car. He furiously motions for the man to pull over.

 

As soon as the car stops, he marches right up to the man and demands, "You are the same guy I saw two days ago with a penguin. What are you trying to do now? Don't you think that I can still recognize a penguin even if it has sunglasses on? I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo right away?"

 

The man replied, "Yes sir you did. I took him to the zoo yesterday. We had so much fun at the zoo that today I thought we would go to the beach!"

​

(09/05/2019)

The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (to do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). 

The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know It costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane? 

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"

​

(09/03/2019)

A high school history teacher was discussing Catholic church and the Pope with his class. One student asked how they chose a new Pope when one dies.

 

The teacher explained the process, finishing with, "So the Cardinals pick him."

 

A student in the back of class, asked, very seriously, "Why would they let a baseball team pick the next Pope?"

​

(09/01/2019)

A couple went to a very popular restaurant and it was very crowded. The husband went up to the hostess and asked, "Will it be long?"

 

The hostess, ignoring him, kept writing in her book.

 

He asked again, "How much of a wait?"

 

The woman looked up from her book and said, "About ten minutes."

 

A short time later, the couple heard an announcement over the loudspeaker: "Willette B. Long, your table is now ready."

​

(08/30/2019)

Gracie Allen's Classic Recipe for Turkey:

 

Ingredients:

- 1 large turkey

- 1 small turkey

 

Cooking Instructions:

Take the two turkeys and put them in the oven.

When the little one burns, the big one is done.

​

(08/28/2019)

After the dedication service of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

 

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

 

Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

​

(08/27/2019)

An aspiring young actor asked a young lady's father if he could have his daughter's hand in marriage.

 

The father said, "I would never let my daughter marry an actor."

 

The actor said, "Sir, I think you may change your mind if you see me perform. Won't you at least come and see the play?"

 

So the father went to see the play, and the next day he called the actor, "You were right. I did change my mind. Go ahead and marry my daughter. You're no actor."

​

(08/26/2019)

A families phone rang late one night, and the wife picked it up. She said, "KitKat," and hung up.

 

"Who was that?" the husband asked.

 

"Some boy for Carolyn," she said, referring to their daughter.

 

"What now?" he asked.

 

"He plans to ask Carolyn to the prom and wanted to know what her favorite candy is. He's going to put the invitation into a candy basket."

 

The next morning a basket of candy was on their porch.

 

"But, Mom," the daughter protested when she heard the story, "KitKat isn't my favorite candy."

 

"I know," her Mom said. "It's mine."

​

(08/10/2019)

After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room.

 

Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking was helping.

 

His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.

 

In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed, and then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"

​

(08/09/2019)

WEATHER FORECASTER:

 

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog. If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.

 

But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

 

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.

 

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

 

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

 

Sincerely, The CAT

​

(08/05/2019)

Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first said, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."

 

Immediately, a burly athlete walked up to the table and stated, "Angus MacLeod. Scotland. Shot-put." He opened his gym bag to display a shot-put to the registration attendant.

 

The attendant said, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."

 

HOT DOG! The first guy grabbed a small tree sapling, stripped off the limbs and roots, walked up the registration table and stated, "Chuck Wagon. Canada.
Javelin."

 

The attendant said, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"

 

The second guy grabbed a street utility manhole cover, walked up the registration table and stated, "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."

 

The attendant said, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."

 

They scampered in, but suddenly realized the third guy was missing. They groaned, "OH NO." He's a doofus. They forgot to make sure he didn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.

 

They then spotted him walking with a roll of barbed wire under his arm. He walked up to the registration table and stated, "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."

​

(07/30/2019)

Little Johnny was left to fix lunch. When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea.

 

The two women then sipped their tea happily while having lunch.

 

"Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?" Johnny's mother asked.

 

"I couldn't find it Ma, so I used the fly swatter," he replied.

 

His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added: "Don't get excited, Ma, I used the old one!"

​

(07/29/2019)

A father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

 

The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was President."

​

(07/26/2019)

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

 

"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"

 

"Uh, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell convenience, so I made it risk."

​

(07/25/2019)

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour, but by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.  

​

(07/24/2019)

A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a collect telegram which read: "I am perfectly well."

 

A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel...collect...on which he had to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message:

 

"This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind."

​

(07/23/2019)

From an old-timer:

 "I've sure gotten old!

 I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

 I have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98, have lost all my friends.

 But, thank God, I still have my driver's license." 

​

(07/16/2019)

One day a man drove his secretary home after she fell quite ill at work. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

Later, that night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant.

 

Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.

 

"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

​

(07/15/2019)

Tips for student pilots (Part 2 of 2):

1.  Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction.

2.  Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

3.  There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

4.  You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

5.  Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

6.  If all you can see out of the windscreen is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

7.  In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

8.  Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.

9.  It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

10.  There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

11.  Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

12.  Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of takeoffs you've made.

13.  The three most useless things to a pilot are altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

​

(07/13/2019)

Tips for student pilots (Part 1 of 2):

1.  Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.

2.  If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller.

3.  Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is dangerous.

4.  It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5.  The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6.  The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7.  When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8.  A "good" landing is one from which you can walk away. A "great" landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9.  Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10.  You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11.  The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival equals a small probability of survival -- and vice versa.

12.  Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

​

(07/12/2019)

A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead elephant with a pigmy standing beside it.

 

Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?"

 

The pigmy said, "Yes."

 

The hunter asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"

 

"I killed it with my club."

 

The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"

 

The pigmy replied, "There's about 60 of us."

​

(07/11/2019)

As Barb was getting to know David and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other.

 

"They're so thoughtful," Barb said. "Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning."

 

After a time, Barb and David were engaged, and then married. On the way from the wedding to the reception, Barb again remarked on David's loving parents, and even the coffee in bed.

 

"Tell me," she said, "does it run in the family?"

 

"It sure does," replied David. "And I take after my mom."

​

(07/10/2019)

Several women, each trying to one-up the other, appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.

 

The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, "Okay, I'm ready to hear the evidence...I'll hear the oldest first."

 

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

​

(07/06/2019)

Benny wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. At his interview, the inspector asked him this question: "What would you do if you saw 2 trains heading for each other on the SAME track?

 Benny replied," I would switch the points for one of the trains."

 "Good. But what if the lever broke?", asked the inspector.

 "Then I'd run down to the signal box", said Benny, "and use the manual lever there."

 "What if lightning struck it?' asked the inspector.

 "Then..." Benny continued, "I'd run back into  the signal box & phone the next signal box."

 "What if the phone was engaged?"

 "Well.....in that case," persevered Benny, " I'd rush down out of the box & use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there..."

 "What would you do if THAT was vandalized?"

 "Oh, well then I'd run into the village & get my Uncle Toby."

 This bizarre response puzzled the Inspector, so he asked, "And just why would you do that??"

 "Because Uncle Toby... He's never seen a train wreck!!"

​

(07/05/2019)

BUMPER STICKERS:

 

* FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

* I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.

* I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always".

* What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

* Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded fire station?

* It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

* If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

* To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question.... ....or is it?

* Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.

* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

* I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. She gets mad if I interrupt her.

* Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

* A closed mouth gathers no foot.

* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

* Where there's smoke, there's dinner.

​

(07/04/2019)

*Hymns for the Aging*

 Precious Lord, Take my Hand (And Help Me Get Up)

 It is Well with My Soul (but my back hurts)

 Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing

 Amazing Grace (Considering My Age)

 Just a Slower Walk With Thee

 Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One

 Go Tell It on the Mountain (And Speak Up)

 Give Me that Old Timers Religion

 Blessed Insurance

 Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah (I've forgotten where I parked)

​

(07/02/2019)

I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.

 

Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.

 

"Great," he thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one's even better because it locks..."

​