(06/29/2019)

When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

 

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

 

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

​

(06/13/2019)

A football coach was asked how he picked a team from a bunch of raw recruits.

 

"I hate to give away my secrets," he replied, "but I'll tell you. I take them out into the woods. Then, at a given signal, I start them running. Those that run around the trees are chosen as guards. Those that run into the trees are chosen as tackles."

​

(06/12/2019)

*A guide to a few of the more colorful Texan expressions:*

1.  The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving = Not overly-intelligent.

2.  As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party (self-explanatory).

3.  Tighter than bark on a tree = Not very generous.

4.  Big hat, no cattle = All talk and no action.

5.  We've howdied but we ain't shook yet = We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced.

6.  He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He has a pretty high opinion of himself.

7.  She's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth = That woman can talk.

8.  It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs = We really could use a little rain around here.

9.  This ain't my first rodeo = I've been around awhile.

10.  He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch = Not the most handsome of men .

11.  As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = Rather prone to boasting.

12.  You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits = You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is.

​

(06/11/2019)

Excerpts from letters sent to landlords:

 

1. "The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."

2. "This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."

3. "I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall."

4. "I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

5. "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."

6. "Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant."

​

(06/10/2019)

An elderly couple was just settling in to bed one night when the phone rang. The husband got out of bed and went into the living room (parlor) to answer the phone.

 

His wife could hear him say, "Hello?" Then he said, "Sure is." He hung up the receiver (remember those?) and went back to bed.

 

A minute later the phone rang again. The husband got out of bed and went into the other room and his wife could hear him say, "Hello?" again and then he said, "Sure is." again. He hung up the receiver and went back to bed.

 

The wife asked who it was. The man said he didn't know.

 

A minute later the phone rang again. The husband got out of bed and went into the other room and his wife could hear him say, "Hello?" Then he said, "Sure is." He hung up the receiver and went back to bed.

 

The wife asked again about the caller. The man said he didn't know who it was.

 

The wife then asked, "Well, what did the person say?

 

He said, "It's odd, a woman just keeps saying, "Long distance from Chicago."

​

(06/09/2019)

Betty was soon to be married. More than anything, she wanted to wear the wedding dress her mother was married in. Betty's mother was beaming with pride as she gave her consent.

 

Later in the evening, the family gathered in the living room to wait while Betty tried on the dress. When Betty entered the room, there was a chorus of approval. The dress fit perfectly and looked wonderful on her.

 

Tears ran down the face of Betty's mother.

 

Seeing this, Betty said, "Don't worry Mom, you're not losing a daughter, your gaining a son."

 

"Forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit into that dress!"

​

(06/08/2019)

An elderly pastor made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.

 

They came up with about 40 names.

 

He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

 

One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."

​

(06/07/2019)

The girl came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.

 

"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.

 

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

 

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. Surely there must be some mistake."

 

"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

​

(06/05/2019)

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and, as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel.

 

This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke.

 

One day as the man passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him, "Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents."

​

(06/04/2019)

A woman was driving her old beat up car on the highway with her 7 yr. old son, Little Johnny.

She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her. After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down the road she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit.

 

Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind. She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.

 

As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"

 

Little Johnny piped up from the back seat, "I do! Because you couldn't catch the other cars!"

​

(06/03/2019)

Five Englishmen travelling across Europe in an Audi Quattro arrive at a border crossing. The Customs agent stops them and says, "It's illegal to put five people in a Quattro."

 

"What do you mean it's illegal?" asks one of the Englishmen.

 

"Quattro means four," replies the border official.

 

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorted disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

 

"You can't pull that one on me," replies the Customs agent. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

 

The Englishman reply angrily, "Call your supervisor over.  I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

 

"Sorry," responds the official, "he can't come. He's busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno."

​

(06/01/2019)

A woman truck driver, decided to get a dog for protection. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men."

 

"Perfect," the woman thought and took the dog.

Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react. Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding.

 

As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.

​

(05/31/2019)

One day a State Trooper was pulling off an expressway near Chicago. When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car. The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car.

 

The trooper pursued him, pulled him over and walking up to the car he pulled the bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver.

 

The driver looked at the trooper and said, "No thanks, I just bought some."

​

(05/30/2019)

A lady who was speeding had an officer pull her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.

 

After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"

 

"Yes, I do, officer," she replied.

 

"Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"

​

(05/29/2019)

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal.

 

She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar. And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

 

"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

 

A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply.

​

(05/28/2019)

A few years ago, a guy decided to visit his brother who was stationed in Germany. The guy assumed that most Germans would speak English but found that many people spoke only their native tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train.

 

He punched the guys ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. The guy simply nodded from time to time to show him that he was interested.

 

When he had gone, an American woman in the compartment leaned forward and asked if the man spoke German.

 

"No," he confessed.

 

"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."

​

(05/26/2019)

The hostess (with a daughter of marriageable age - of long duration) sent out an invitation to a military officer who was supposed to be the prospective suitor of her daughter's hand: "Mr. and Mrs. Dabney request the pleasure of Captain Black's company at dinner on the 16th of September."

 

She was somewhat dismayed to receive the enthusiastic reply: "With the exception of four men on leave, and two sick, Captain Black's company accept with much pleasure your invitation to dinner on the 16th of September."

​

(05/25/2019)

Three wives were bemoaning their husbands' attitudes towards leftovers:

 

"It gets rough," one said. "My husband is a movie producer and he calls them reruns."

 

"You think you have it bad," was the reply. "Mine is a quality control engineer and he calls them rejects!"

 

"That's nothing compared to me," said the third lady. "My husband is a mortician. He calls them remains!"

​

(05/21/2019)

A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so excited just thinking about his future.

He gets into a taxi and the driver says, "How are you on this lovely day?"

 

"I'm the Class of 2019, just graduated from Harvard and I just can't wait to go out there and see what the world has in store for me."

 

The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says, "Congratulations, I'm Mitch, Class of 1976."

​

(05/20/2019)

Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation."

 

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.

 

"My husband spends his nights ... calling out to owls," she said.

 

"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."

 

Then it dawned on them.

​

(05/19/2019)

A counselor helps coordinate support groups for visually-impaired adults. Many participants have a condition known as macular degeneration, which makes it difficult for them to distinguish facial features.

 

The counselor had just been assigned to a new group and was introducing himself. Knowing that many in the group would not be able to see him very well, he jokingly said, "For those of you who can't see me, I've been told that I look like a cross between Paul Newman and Robert Redford."

 

Immediately, one woman called out, "We're not THAT blind!"

​

(05/17/2019)

Nine-year-old Aaron came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost.

 

While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

 

"Well, Dad," said Aaron, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."

 

"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

 

"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his sister!"

​

(05/16/2019)

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

 

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD

 

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

 

National Enquirer: SHEEP MISSING ALL OVER WORLD

 

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

 

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

 

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

 

Readers Digest: BYE

 

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

 

TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

 

Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS. BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!

 

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 100 YEARS

 

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

 

Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

 

IBM: ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!

 

N.Y. Post: WHAASSSUP ?

 

Boston Globe: STRONG N.E. WINDS PREDICTED

 

North Korean Central News Agency: AMERICA BLOWS UP WORLD

 

Arizona Republic: TEMPERATURES EXPECTED TO HIT 1016 F TODAY

​

(05/14/2019)

A man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a birthday/anniversary card. The clerk replied, "We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?"

 

The man said, "You don't understand. I need a card that covers both events! You see, we're celebrating the third anniversary of my wife's thirty-fourth birthday..."

​

(05/13/2019)

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder.

 

The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over.

The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.

 

The startled passenger said, "I didn't mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something."

 

The Taxi driver said, "It's not your fault sir. It's my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years!"

​

(05/09/2019)

While a woman was dining out with her children, a man came over to their table, and they started talking. He asked where her kids go to school. She told him she home-schooled them.

 

With a raised eyebrow, he asked if her husband is the sole breadwinner for our family.

 

She said, "No, I also work . . out of our home."

 

Then, noticing her two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital her son was born in.

 

"He was born at home," she answered.

 

The man looked at her, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"

​

(05/07/2019)

More Church Bulletin Humor

 

Sermon Outline:
I. Delineate your fear
II. Disown your fear
III. Displace your rear

 

- Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.

 

- If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket.

 

- Nov. 11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club.

 

Women's Luncheon:
Each member bring a sandwich.
Polly Phillips will give the medication.

 

- Karen's beautiful solo: "It is Well With My Solo."

 

- Congratulations to Tim and Ronda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17.

 

- If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.

 

- We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.

 

- Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford."

 

- Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer.

 

- Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.

 

- Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.

 

- The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral.

​

(04/30/2019)

One day a man noticed an elderly lady slowly pushing a cart through the supermarket parking lot. Ever courteous, he insisted on taking it over for her.

 

The woman struggled alongside, doing her best to keep up.

 

At the entrance, he said, "Here you go, Ma'am," and gave her the cart.

 

Catching her breath, she said, "Thank you, but I was using it to lean on."

​

(04/28/2019)

Many years ago, a guy's father was visiting America, from Europe, for the very first time.

He said he wanted to go with the guy to the supermarket, so he invited him along.

 

As he went up & down the aisles at the local supermarket, he constantly asked questions about products he saw.

 

"Vas diss?? Powdered orange juice??" asked the dad.

 

The guy said, "Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh orange juice."

 

A few minutes later, in a different aisle, dad blurted out, "Und vas dis?? Powdered milk?"

The guy said, "Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh milk!"

 

A few minutes later, in a different aisle, his dad yelled out, "Und give a look here!! Baby Powder!! Vat a country, vat a country!"

​

(04/27/2019)

Amy and Jamie are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time. One day Amy was upset because she thought her husband didn't find her attractive anymore.

 

"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cried.

 

"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replied Jamie.

 

"Yes," answered Amy, "but your husband's an antique dealer!"

​

(04/26/2019)

An American history professor at Mount Union College in Ohio, was asked to teach a medieval history class.

 

Not an expert on the Middle Ages, he was concerned about what he'd be able to offer the students. But his fears were soon laid to rest.

 

During the first class, he asked the students, "Why are you taking this medieval history course?"

 

A freshman piped up, "Because I really like the 1800's."

​

(04/17/2019)

A guys wife still uses curlers in her hair after she washes it. The other night she came into the Family Room as the husband was watching TV.

 

He stared at her funny because she said, "I just set my hair."

 

The last thing he remembers saying was, "Oh, really? And what time does it go off?"

​

(04/16/2019)

A husband and wife had made some changes in their lives. The husband had lost 50 pounds and after eight years of being a housewife, his wife had taken a job in a restaurant.

 

When she returned home after her first day at work, she gave her husband a big hug. He seemed to cling to her longer than usual.

 

"Did you really miss me that much today, dear?" she asked.

 

"No," came the reply. "But you smell so much like pancakes that I hate to let you go."

​

(04/14/2019)

Two people are discussing whether the state of Hawaii is pronounced 'Havaii,' or 'Hawaii.'

 

So there they stood arguing and arguing, until they decided to ask a person that was walking by.

 

So they asked the gentleman: 'Excuse me sir, is Hawaii pronounced 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?''

 

The gentleman said, 'Havaii.'

 

So they both looked at each other, and as the gentleman was leaving, one of the two said to him, 'Thank you.'

 

The gentleman replied by saying, 'You're velcome.'

​

(04/13/2019)

Redneck Airlines, Flight 101, is coming in for a landing, and the pilot is freaking out. The sweat is jumping off his brow.

 

The plane lands and comes to a screeching halt.

 

He turns to the co-pilot, and says, "Man, that is the shortest runway I ever landed on."

 

The co-pilot says, "Yeah, and so wide!"

​

(04/11/2019)

The interviewer examined the job application then turned to the prospective employee.

 

"I see you have put ASAP down for the date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course. However, I see you've put AMAP down for required salary. I don't believe I've ever seen that before, what does it mean?"

 

The applicant replied, "As Much as Possible!"

​

(04/10/2019)

How to use English Properly (Part 2 & The Last Part):

 

1. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

2. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

3. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

4. The passive voice is to be ignored.

5. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

6. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

7. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

8. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.

9. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

10. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

11. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

12. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

13. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

14. Who needs rhetorical questions?

15. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

16. And the last one...  Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

​

(04/09/2019)

How to use English Properly (Part 1):

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)

6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14. One should NEVER generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

​

(04/08/2019)

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"

 

"Well, Honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."

 

"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

 

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

 

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

 

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

 

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

​

(04/04/2019)

A woman was a mother's helper and the Mom of the family I worked for sat with her three oldest children and watched a PBS special showing the birth of a baby. The mom thought it would be a good starting point for answering questions about the facts of life.

 

As her five-year-old studied the baby coming out of the birth canal, he asked, "Mom, does that hurt?"

 

"Oh, yes, it does," she said, remembering her difficult deliveries.

 

"Wow," he continued in awe, "does it hurt the mother too?"

​

(04/03/2019)

Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea. She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he'd meet and so on.

 

Came the first day, he eagerly went off and came back home with a lot of glowing reports about school.

Next morning when she woke him up, he asked "What for?" She told him it was time to get ready for school.

 

"What? Again?" he asked.

​

(04/02/2019)

As in many homes on New Year's Day, a guy and his wife faced the annual conflict of which was more important - the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, the husband ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game. 

Several minutes later, his wife came downstairs and graciously even brought a cold drink for him. She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was. He told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing. 

"See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing." 

​

(04/01/2019)

The Smith’s were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose – how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.

 

The author assured the family he could handle the story as tactfully as possible and was given the go-ahead to write the book.

The book appeared. It said “Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution and was attached to his position by the strongest of ties. His death came as a great shock.”.

​