(12/31/2018)

A man walked into a flower shop and after looking around for several minutes, asked the clerk if there were any potted geraniums he could buy.

 

"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "We don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"

 

Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

​

(12/28/2018)

A couple were on vacation and visited a church on Sunday. They like to sit close to the front, So they entered a pew in the second row.

 

Shortly after settling into the pew, an usher came up to them, tapped lightly on the bench, and said, "This pew is saved."

 

Her husband replied, "So are WE!"

​

(12/27/2018)

"I play golf in the low 80's," the little old man was telling one of the young boys at the club.

 

"Wow," said the young man, "that's pretty impressive."

 

"Not really," said the little old man.

 

"Any hotter and I'd probably have a stroke."

​

(12/26/2018)

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two guys are waiting.

 

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

 

The two guys just stare at him.

 

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.

 

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

 

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

 

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

 

The first guy turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

 

"Why?" says the other.

 

"That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

​

(12/25/2018)

What if Biblical characters could be recruited as high-tech promoters? Consider the following tech advocates and their ad slogans:

 

Noah for Match.com: We can find a mate for anything. Why not you?

 

Moses for the Excedrin Headache Resource Center (Excedrin.com):
Take two tablets and call me in the morning.

 

The dove for UPS.com: Guaranteed delivery in 40 days and 40 nights.

 

Adam and Eve for Dell: No Apples for us. We've learned the hard way.

 

Solomon for Microsoft: Don't cut the baby in half.

 

Joseph for Nikon Coolpix: Only Nikon can capture the 36-bit color of my megapixel dream coat.

 

Methuselah for AARP.org: Life begins at 960.

 

Pharaoh for Symantec: If only we'd had Norton AntiPlague 2002 in 2002 ... BC.

​

(12/23/2018)

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes: "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

 

After a very long silence in the classroom, little Morris raised his hand.

 

The teacher called on Morris for his answer.

 

With complete sincerity in his voice, little Morris answered, "A lawyer!"

​

(12/21/2018)

"How long have you been driving without a tail light, buddy?" demanded the policeman.

 

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a low moan. His distress was so great that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

 

"Aw, come now," the policeman said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."

 

"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "What happened to my boat and trailer?"

​

(12/20/2018)

Jill had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.

 

"Pretty good I think," replied Jill. "But if I go to work there, I won't get a vacation unless I'm married."

 

Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing and asked, "Is that what they told you?"

 

"No," replied Jill, "they didn't tell me that, but on the application it said, 'Vacation time may not be taken until you've had your first anniversary.'"

​

(12/19/2018)

Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, a woman received a jury-duty notice.

 

She called to remind the people at the clerk's office that she was exempt because of her age.

 

"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said.

 

"I've already done that," she replied. "I did it last year."

 

"You have to do it every year," she was told.

 

"Why?" came the response. "Do you think I'm going to get younger?"

​

(12/18/2018)

 A husband was standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his ample stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, his wife quipped, "I don't think that is going to help much, hon."

 

"Sure it does," he said. "How else can I see the numbers?"

​

(12/16/2018)

Little Jane was practicing the violin in the living room while her father was trying to read in the den.

 

The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Jane's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

 

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up and yelled above the noise, "Can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"

​

(12/15/2018)

When the car engine developed a slight knock, the husband asked his wife if she had bought special non-leaded or regular gas, but she couldn't remember.

 

"You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That could account for the roughness of the engine."

 

"No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly.

 

"Well, how much did it cost?" asked the husband probingly.

 

"It cost the same as always." said the wife. "I told the man to put in the usual ten dollars worth."

​

(12/14/2018)

A father worked as an accountant for the Air National Guard. Despite a regular adequate income he had a "poor" mindset, always unhappy about money matters and very vocal about it.

 

One year at an air show, in a crowd of many close-by people, his daughter looked up at him and said, "Dad, what do you do out here?"

 

He answered with a smile, "I pay the bills."

 

She looked at him in obvious dismay, looked around, looked back at him, and announced (to the delight of all around), "No wonder we're so poor!"

​

(12/13/2018)

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, she called him on her mobile phone.

 

The wife said, " Where are you? You know we have lots to do."

 

He said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about ten years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

 

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up… "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.

 

"Well, I'm in the gun shop next door to that."

​

(12/12/2018)

The Chocolate Night Before Christmas

 

'Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

 

While Mama in her girdle and I in chinstraps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

 

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

 

When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.

 

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

 

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

 

My droll little mouth and my round little belly,
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

 

And laying a finger beside my heartburn
Gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry--
If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.

 

And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
In the morning I'll starve... 'til I take that first bite!

​

(12/10/2018)

While on maternity leave, a woman from her office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year-old son with her.

 

Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"

 

"What do you say?" she asked.

 

Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful."

 

The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.

​

(12/09/2018)

In one small rural town the sheriff also fulfilled the role of the town's veterinarian.

 

One night the phone rang, and his wife answered.

 

An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"

 

"He is, but tell me, do you need him as the sheriff or the vet?" the wife asked.

 

"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

​

(12/08/2018)

A young man is an avid listener to the city's police frequency, and he leaves the scanner on all the time.

 

One morning while making his bed, he heard the dispatcher say, "Car 34, there is a five-foot boa constrictor in someone's front yard. The resident wants a police officer to come and remove it."

 

There was a long pause, then some static.

 

Slowly, a voice said, "We can't get the car started."

​

(12/07/2018)

One day a young boy ran crying to his mother and rubbing his behind.

 

His mother said, "Bobby, why are you crying?"

 

"Because daddy hit his thumb with the hammer!" little Bobby wailed.

 

"Why, that's not something to cry over," his mother told him. "That should make you laugh."

 

Bobby rubbed his behind and said tearfully, "I DID laugh!"

​

(12/06/2018)

A woman brought her baby in to see the doctor, and he determined right away the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.

 

Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

 

The doctor looked at the bottle of eardrops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: "Put two drops in R ear every four hours."

​

(12/04/2018)

Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit.

 

Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of capris.

 

"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183."

 

Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"

​

(12/03/2018)

The following are notices that homeowners can place in a few strategic locations to keep burglars away:

 

Dear Butcher: Starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!

 

Dear Letter Carrier: We found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our mail-slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of the openings. PS: Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"?

 

Dear Exterminator: Be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!

 

To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck...

 

Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again.

​

(12/02/2018)

A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.

 

"What is it made of?" she asked.

 

"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.

 

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

 

"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

​

(11/30/2018)

Realizing at the last minute that it was his father's birthday, a teenage boy rushed to the corner store to grab a card.

 

He quickly found a son-to-father card but neglected to read it carefully.

 

Later when his father opened his gifts, he was surprised to read aloud, "Happy birthday to a wonderful Dad. Now that I'm a father too . . ."

​

(11/29/2018)

Cassie was a really good mom. When her children were growing up, her one son gave her more "stop and count to 10" periods than any of the others. Once, after her small son fell into the pond and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated Cassie sent him to his room while she washed and dried his clothes.

 

A little later, Cassie heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out, "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?"

 

There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."

​

(11/27/2018)

PHONE CALLS IN THE UK:

 

Caller: I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please.

Operator: I'm sorry, there's no such listing. Are you sure you have the spelling correct?
Caller : Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.

 

Caller: I'd like the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: I can't find a town called 'Woven'? Are you sure?
Caller: Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.

 

Caller: I'd like the RSPCA, please.
Operator: Where are you calling from?
Caller: The living room.

 

Caller: The water board, please.
Operator: Which department?
Caller: Tap water

 

Operator: How are you spelling that?
Caller: With letters.

 

Caller: I'd like the number for a Reverend in Cardiff, please.
Operator: Do you have his name?
Caller: No, but he has a dog named Ben.

 

Caller: The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators, please.
Operator: You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?
Caller: Er, yes.

​

(11/23/2018)

While talking with her semi-deaf uncle one evening, she noticed that his "hearing aid" was actually an earphone from a transistor radio. The wire had been cut and was sticking out of his shirt.

 

"How does that help your hearing?" She asked.

 

"Don't help my hearing none," he replied. "Makes people talk louder."

​

(11/19/2018)

A lady on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide, "Look at all those big rocks. Wherever did they come from?"

 

"The glaciers brought them down," said the guide.

 

"But where are the glaciers?" The lady asked.

 

"The glaciers," said the guide in a weary voice, "have gone back for more rocks."

​

(11/18/2018)

An anthropologist was assigned to Borneo, where he found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections.

 

At noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums.

 

"What are those drums?" asked the anthropologist, knowing he was in cannibal country.

 

The guide turned to him and said "No worry. Drums OK, but very bad when they stop."

 

They both went ghostly pale when the drums suddenly stopped. The guide crouched in the belly of the canoe and covered his ears.

 

"Do as I do! Very important!" intoned the guide with great urgency.

 

"Why? What does this mean?" asked the panicked anthropologist.

 

"Drums stop! Next come guitar solo!"

​

(11/12/2018)

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.

 

The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

 

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda shoppe. Ice-cream sundaes in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.

 

He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?"

 

She says "No," and the silence returns.

 

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?"

 

Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

 

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"

​

  (11/11/2018)

An pet owner brought a litter of puppies to a veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. She loved them so much, she couldn't keep from remarking about their cute habits.

 

As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, the vet realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. She turned on the water faucet, wet her fingers, and moistened each dog's head when she had finished.

 

After the fourth puppy, she noticed the hitherto talkative client had grown silent. As the vet sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I never realized they had to be baptized."

​

(11/09/2018)

The teacher noticed that Mike had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention.

 

"Mike," she said. "If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are three dollars a dozen, how old am I?"

 

"Thirty-four," Mike answered without hesitation.

 

The teacher replied, "Well, that's not far from the truth. Tell me ... how did you guess?"

 

"Oh, there's nothing to it," Mike said. "My big sister is seventeen and she's only half-crazy."

​

(11/07/2018)

The preacher spent his whole sermon relating the evils of sin and how all men are sinners with no exceptions.

 

At the end of the sermon he asked rhetorically, "Now does anyone here think they are without sin?"

 

He had only to wait a few seconds before a man in one of the back pews stood up.

 

The pastor asked the man who had the audacity to stand after such a fiery sermon, "Sir, do you really think you are completely without sin?"

 

The man quickly answered, "No sir, I'm not standing up for myself, but for my wife's first husband."

​

(11/04/2018)

It has to be confessed that the minister was rather long-winded. During his sermon a young wife of the congregation remembered that she had left the Sunday dinner in the gas range without regulating the flame.

 

She hastily wrote a note and slipped it to her husband, who was an usher. He, thinking it was for the minister, calmly walked up and laid it on the pulpit.

 

The minister paused, took the note with a smile, which turned into a terrific frown as he read: "Please hurry home, and shut off the gas."

​

(11/03/2018)

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.

 

They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

 

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.

 

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

​

(11/01/2018)

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

 

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

 

"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

 

He yelled back, "Just do it!!"

​

(10/30/2018)

You need a new car when ...

 

- You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops behind you.

 

- You have to go to a repair center every thousand miles to get the duct tape replaced.

 

- You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get accused of stealing.

 

- The Blue Book lists your car under "Health Risk."

 

- The only thing holding your bumper on is the "Dukakis/Bentsen '88" sticker.

 

- You return to your car and find someone broke in and left a hundred dollars and a new stereo.

 

- Evel Knievel refuses a free lift.

 

- The valet puts on a crash helmet and full-body armor before parking your car.

 

- The guys at the repair shop refer you to as Dr. Kevorkian.

​

(10/29/2018)

Trying to control her dry hair, a woman treated her scalp with olive oil before washing it.

Worried that the oil might leave an odor, she washed her hair several times.

 

That night when she went to bed, she leaned over to her husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"

 

"No," he said, sniffing her.

 

"Do I smell like Popeye?"

​

(10/27/2018)

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

 

"Yes?"

 

"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"

 

The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15."

 

The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.

 

"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"

 

"8:25!"

 

The jogger said thanks and left.

 

Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!" Once again he settled back to sleep.

 

He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

 

"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!"

​

(10/26/2018)

A man was sleeping when his wife shook him and said, "Wake up, someone is breaking in!"

 

The man had gone through this almost every night for 20 years, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to go and check it out. This time, however, there was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house.

 

As the thief was about to flee the man said, "You have to come with me and meet my wife."

 

Astounded, the thief said, "Why would you want me to meet your wife?"

 

The man replied, "Well, she's been expecting you for 20 years."

​

(10/25/2018)

A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"

 

"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's father.

 

His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a rather strange ambition to have for a career."

 

"Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"

​

(10/24/2018)

A woman stood inside the front door, her arms full of coats. Four small children scurried around her.

 

Her husband, coming down the stairs, asked why she was standing there.

 

"Here," she said, handing him the coats, "This time you put the children into their coats, and I'll go honk the horn."

​

(10/23/2018)

An irritated father complained to his golf buddy.

 

"When I was a kid, my parents sent me to my room without supper if I misbehaved. But my son has his own color TV, telephone, computer, every computer game and CD player in his room!"

 

"So how do you handle it?" his friend asked.

 

"I send him to MY room!"

​

(10/22/2018)

ORGANIZATIONAL PHILOSOPHIES EXPLAINED:

 

Socialism: You have two cows. You keep one and the government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

 

Communism: You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.

 

Feudalism - You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

 

Fascism - You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

 

Totalitarianism - You have two cows. The government takes them both and denies they ever existed and drafts you into the army. Milk is banned.

 

Bureaucracy: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.

 

Corporate: You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows and then act surprised when it drops dead.

 

Democrat Party: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow which was a gift from your government.

 

Clinton Foundation: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

 

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

​

(10/21/2018)

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded yes.

 

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.

 

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you are out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again, the boy nodded yes.

 

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."

​

(10/20/2018)

The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books.

 

Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain't got no crayons."

 

"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons. You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"

 

"Not really," Willie said. "What happened to all them crayons?"

 

(10/19/2018)

A woman was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where her husband was stationed in the military.

 

As she checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked her some standard security questions.

 

"Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.

 

She told him that her mother-in-law had given her a parcel to take to her son.

 

He looked at her very carefully and asked: "Does she like you?"

​

(10/18/2018)

An auto mechanic received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners."

 

Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a clunk.  He then made a left turn and again heard a clunk.

 

Back at the shop, he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem.

 

Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with this notation: "Removed bowling ball from trunk".

​

(10/16/2018)

A tiny sweet baby was born to a hillbilly and his wife.

 

They had always dreamed of having a child and naming her for the wife's beloved Aunt Rose.

 

But the baby was so tiny and precious, Rose was too much of a name for her.

 

They named her Bud instead.

​

(10/14/2018)

Many years ago before the days of cell phones and data, a guy driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio in his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance.

 

A Coast Guard officer responded, "Please give your location."

 

"I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish."

 

The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?"

 

"I-75, two miles south of Standish."

 

A longer pause. Then an incredulous voice asked, "Just how fast were you going when you hit shore?"

​

(10/13/2018)

The company  a guy worked for had an employee suggestion competition and the entire staff was asked to submit entries that would save money for the firm.

 

The winner was a man who suggested the company save paper by posting corporate memos on bulletin boards, instead of printing 200 individual copies for distribution.

 

He won a helium balloon with the company logo and one share of stock.

 

A memo announcing the winner went out to 200 people.

​

(10/12/2018)

MODERN TOOL DEFINITIONS:

 

Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one's enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

 

Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.

 

Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath.

 

Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.

 

Halogen Light - A work-light that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

 

Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.

 

Cell Phone - The handyman's 911.

 

Chain Saw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.

 

Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.

​

(10/11/2018)

A man was on a walking holiday in a foreign country. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a stranger's home for something to drink.

 

The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.

 

There was a wee pig running around the kitchen - running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention.

 

The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.

 

The housewife replied: "Ummm, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using"

​

(10/09/2018)

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.

 

Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini." The giant nodded.

 

"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"

 

Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled.

 

"Are you sure?" the deputy asked.

 

The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."

 

"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."

​

(10/08/2018)

John and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned a second wedding. They were discussing the details with their friends.

 

Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress.

 

Nancy replied, "Silver."

 

At that point, her husband chimed in, "Yep silver...to match her hair."

 

Shooting a glaring look at John's bald spot, Nancy's friend said, "So, John, I guess you are going barefoot."

​

(10/07/2018)

Jolene had wanted new kitchen cabinets for a long time, but her husband insisted they were an extravagance.

 

She went to visit her mother for two weeks, and when she returned, she was overjoyed to find that beautiful new cabinets had been installed in her kitchen.

 

A few days later, a neighbor came over to visit and after admiring the new cabinets, the neighbor added, "We were all so glad that the fire was confined to the kitchen."

​

(10/06/2018)

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.

 

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good, either.

 

On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stands in the draft.

 

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

 

"I know," said his physician, "I can cure pneumonia."

​

(10/03/2018)

The cop got out of his car and the kid that was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

 

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

 

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

 

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

​

(10/02/2018)

On one occasion William Howard Taft, in his work as an attorney, took a train to Somerville, about 40 miles north of his home in Cincinnati.

 

At the end of the day he knew that the policy of the railway was not to stop for just one passenger to board. He therefore sent this telegram: "Stop at Somerville for a large party."

 

As the train came to a halt, Taft began to board the train, and conductor asked, "Where's the large party?"

 

Taft, with all of his 335 pounds replied, "I'm the large party."

​

(10/01/2018)

A guy was checking out at the local Albertsons with just a few items and the lady behind him put her things on the belt close to his. He picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between their things so they wouldn't get mixed.

 

After the check-out kid had scanned all of the guys items, he picked up the "Divider" looked it all over for the bar code so he could scan it. Not finding the bar code, he said to him, "Do you know how much this is?"

 

A little astounded, he said to him, "I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today."

 

He said "OK," then he paid him for his things and left.

 

The kid had no clue what had just happened.

 

​