Humor & Laughs

Jan-Mar 2018

a time to weep and a time to laugh  Ecclesiastes 3:4a (NIV)

(02/17/2018)  (click on image to enlarge)

(02/02/2018)  (click on image to enlarge)

(01/20/2018)  (click on image to enlarge)

(03/31/2018)

It seems the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing.

They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: "Use a thawed chicken." 

 

(03/30/2018)

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap. 

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind. 

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was. 

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!" 

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"  

(03/29/2018)

Although there is a detailed concept of attitude control in flying an airplane, there is another method which you may prefer. For reasons that will become apparent, it is recommended for those pilots whose airplanes have large, easily cleaned cabins. Known as the "Cat and Duck Method" of instrument flight, it has received much publicity and is considered to have a great deal of merit by those who have not tried it. No reports have been received from those who did try it, and none are expected. Pilots are invited to assess its merits objectively.

Basic rules for the C&D Method of instrument flight are fairly well known and are extremely simple. Here's how it's done:

1. Place a live cat on the cockpit floor; because a cat always remains upright. It can be used in lieu of a needle and ball. Merely watch to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one.

2. The duck is used for instrument approach and landing. Because of the fact that any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane and follow it to the ground.

There are some limitations to the Cat and Duck Method, but by rigidly adhering to the following checklist, a degree of success will be achieved which will surely startle you, your passengers, and even an occasional tower operator.

1. Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up at all. It may be necessary to carry a large dog in the cockpit to keep the cat at attention.

2. Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all their time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a tight snap roll followed by an inverted spin.

3. Use old cats only. Young cats have nine lives, but old, used-up cats with only one life left have just as much to lose as you do and will be more dependable.

4. Beware of cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright, it will refuse to leave without the cat. Ducks are no better in IFR conditions than you are.

5. Be sure the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted ducks sometimes fail to realize that they are on the gauges and go flogging off in the nearest hill. Very nearsighted ducks will not realize that they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This maneuver is difficult to follow in an airplane.

6. Use land-loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break out and find yourself on final for a rice paddy, particularly if there are duck hunters around. Duck hunters suffer from temporary insanity while sitting in freezing weather in the blinds and will shoot at anything that flies.

7. Choose your duck carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks with geese because many water birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same direction as you. 

(03/28/2018)

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?"

"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"

"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."

"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"

"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!" 

(03/27/2018)

Some race horses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog." 

(03/26/2018)

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!" 

(03/24/2018)

Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued: 

First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." 

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." 

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." 

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?" 

Fourth Guy: "I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday." 

(03/23/2018)

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.

Finally the pro asks her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.

The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"

"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"

(03/22/2018)

Even more ponderings:

 

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? 

If you have your finger touching the rear view mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible? 

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC? 

If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with? 

Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one? 

Why does your nose run and your feet smell? 

Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing? 

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress? 

Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

 

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? 

Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together? 

Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream? 

If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong? 

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing? 

How can someone "draw a blank"? 

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"? 

Why is the word "abbreviate" so long? 

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? 

What is another word for "thesaurus"? 

(03/21/2018)

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.

"Ever have an accident?"

"Nope, nary a one."

"None? You've never had any accidents."

"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."

"Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"

"Heck, no. That varmint bit me on purpose."  

(03/20/2018)

And some more ponderings:

 

When they ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in? 

If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away? 

Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is? 

Why do 'tug' boats push their barges? 

Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there? 

Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting? 

Why does one get in trouble for WRECKless driving? 

Does a fish get cramps after eating? 

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? 

(03/19/2018)

Dating hints for gentlemen

There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date... 

I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired. 

I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you. 

I used to come here all the time with my ex. 

Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour. 

I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look. 

It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.   

 

(03/18/2018)

The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country's leader.

 

The decree was honored until there were so many Bengal Tigers running loose that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power.

 

This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game. 

 

(03/16/2018)

Are You Ready for Children?

Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. 

Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.) 

Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage. 

Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside. 

Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor. 

Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. 

Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. 

Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time. 

Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.   

(03/14/2018)

More Ponderings:

If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose? 

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? 

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen? 

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? 

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? 

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? 

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? 

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards? 

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? 

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?   

(03/13/2018)

Ponderings:

 

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? 

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? 

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? 

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? 

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots? 

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? 

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? 

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? 

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? 

(03/12/2018)

Two guys stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.

After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.

Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one guy says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."

The other guy replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either."

(03/11/2018)

A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.

She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.

He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, "Who is it?"

He replied, "It's the plumber."

He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!"

He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!!!!!!!!"

Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, "Who is it?"; "Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!" he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.

The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body!" she exclaimed, "Who is it?!"

The parrot said, "It's the plumber."  

(03/09/2018)

The guide to wife translations:

 

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and rock him

The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.

The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.

 

(03/07/2018)

The guide to wife translations:

 

The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: I'm not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron

The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

(03/05/2018)

Dog Property Rules:

 

  1. If I like it, it's mine. 

  2. If its in my mouth, it's mine. 

  3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 

  4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 

  5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. 

  6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway. 

  7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine. 

  8. If I saw it first, it's mine. 

  9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 

  10. If its broken, it's yours. 

(03/04/2018)

A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.

But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "June."

"Yes, this is June."

"Will you marry me?"

"Of course I will! Who's this?"  

 

(03/03/2018) 

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family." 

(03/01/2018)

A young man was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.

That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.

As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.

The young man never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.  

(02/28/2018)

They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other.

Instead, they were giving each other written notes.

One evening he gave her a paper where it said:

"Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am."

The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock.

Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying:

"Wake up, it's 6 o'clock!"  

(02/27/2018):

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.

The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.

He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"  

(02/26/2018) 

Death by Pun......(The Last Part)

 

* What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
* England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
* I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
* I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
* All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
* I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
* Velcro - what a rip off!

 * Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

(02/25/2018)

Death by Pun......(Part Two)


* I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
* They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
* This dyslexic man walks into a bra to have a beer.
* I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
* A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
* When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
* What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds..
* I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
* Broken pencils are pointless.

(02/24/2018)

Death by Pun......(Part One)


* I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
* When chemists die, they barium.
* Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
* A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
* I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
* How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
* I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
* This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
* I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

(02/22/2018)

There were two Indians and a Polish fellow walking along together in the desert, when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a cave. 

He stopped and hollered into the cave... "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and then listened very closely until he heard the answer..."Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and ran in to the cave. 

The Polish fellow was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was that Indian goofy or something. 

"No", said the other Indian. "It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", and get an answer back, that means that she is in there waiting for you. 

Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" When he heard the return, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", off came the clothes and into the cave he goes. 

The Polack started running around the desert looking for a cave to find these women that the Indians had talked about. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave. 

As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Man! Look at the size of that cave! It's bigger then the ones that those Indians found. There must really be something really great in this cave!" 

Well... he took-off up the hill at a super fast speed. He got in front of the cave and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!! Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave. 

The next day in the newspaper the head lines read, Naked Polack Run Over By Freight Train!!   

 

(02/20/2018)

WOMEN'S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK 

  • Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany. 

  • Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 

  • What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. 

  • If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there. 

  • Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse. 

  • Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone. 

  • Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway. 

  • Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny. 

  • Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 

  • The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it. 

  • If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books. 

  • Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.   

(02/19/2018)

Three aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."  

 

(02/17/2018)

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. 

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?" 

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."  

 

(02/16/2018)

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"  

 

(02/15/2018)

FELINE PHYSICS LAWS (Final Part)

Law of Cat Embarrassment 
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter. 

Law of Milk Consumption 
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can. 

Law of Furniture Replacement 
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture. 

Law of Cat Landing 
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human. 

Law of Fluid Displacement 
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed. 

Law of Cat Disinterest 
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him. 

Law of Pill Rejection 
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity. 

Law of Cat Composition 
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.   

(02/14/2018)

FELINE PHYSICS LAWS (Part 2):


Law of Dinner Table Attendance 
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served. 

Law of Rug Configuration 
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long. 

Law of Obedience Resistance 
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something. 

First Law of Energy Conservation 
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible. 

Second Law of Energy Conservation 
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping. 

Law of Refrigerator Observation 
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat. 

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction 
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light. 

Law of Random Comfort Seeking 
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy 
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond. 

(02/13/2018)

FELINE PHYSICS LAWS (Part 1):

Law of Cat Inertia 
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse. 

Law of Cat Motion 
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction. 

Law of Cat Magnetism 
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric. 

Law of Cat Thermodynamics 
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat. 

Law of Cat Stretching 
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken. 

Law of Cat Sleeping 
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat. 

Law of Cat Elongation 
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it. 

Law of Cat Obstruction 
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic. 

Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop. 

(02/12/2018) 

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"

 

The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here." 

(02/09/2018)

A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"

 

The bum said, "No."

 

The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"

 

The bum said, "No."

 

Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?" 

(02/08/2018)

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.  

(02/07/2018)

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really cares."   

(02/05/2018)

Dictionary For Women (Part One):

 

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet. 

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. 

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner." 

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them. 

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church. 

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks. 

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms. 

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game. 

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. 

(01/31/2018)

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."

"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."  

  

(01/30/2018)

A woman drove to the local grocery store to buy a turkey to prepare for Thanksgiving dinner.

She was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough for her entire family.

 

So, she asked a stock boy, "Excuse me, do these turkeys get any bigger?"

 

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

(01/29/2018)

A normally sweet Great Dane, Phil, has one quirk: he hates United Parcel Service drivers.

While walking Phil one day, around the corner of a house came a UPS man.

Struggling to keep hold of Phil, the owner tried to ease the situation and said, "As you can see, he just loves UPS men."

"Don't you feed him anything else?" he responded.  

(01/28/2018)

A Mother's Dictionary (Part Two):


Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

(01/27/2018)

A Mother's Dictionary:

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

(01/26/2018)

A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.

"That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor.

 

"I mean business," the city slicker replied.

A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said.

 

"Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.

"Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems."

 

"Problems?" asked the proprietor.

 

"Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together." 

(01/25/2018)

A man's car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.

Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story.

"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied.

"Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars."  

(01/24/2018)

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."   

(01/22/2018)

Working at a theater box-office ticket window poses many challenges in dealing with people.

When a disgruntled customer at a Broadway musical ticket window exclaimed, "No Tickets?" What do you mean NO TICKETS?"

The woman waiting on him smiled sweetly. "I'm terribly sorry, sir," she replied. "Which word didn't you understand?"  

(01/20/2018)

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

The man says, "Methodist."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"

"Baptist."

"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"

"Jewish." 

"Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well, the Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.  

(01/19/2018)

Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."  

(01/18/2018) 

If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.  

(01/16/2018)

Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are separated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before. 

"Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!" 

"Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil.

"I'll sue you if I have to," answered God.

"Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"  

(01/14/2018)

El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries. A freighter bound for Long Beach, California with a cargo of yo-yo's got caught in a particularly violent storm. It sank 65 times.   

(01/13/2018)

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" 

The man said, "I do Father." 

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." 

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" 

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. 

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. 

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" 

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." 

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" 

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."   

(01/12/2018)

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: 

"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."   

(01/11/2018)

Ten common fishing terms explained

Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit. 

Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook). 

Line - Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend. 

Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop. 

Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard. 

Rod - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish. 

School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead. 

Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard. 

Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one. 

Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.   

(01/10/2018)

A guy from Mississippi goes to Connecticut and sees some girls. He asks them, "What college do y'all go to?"

One of them responds daintily, "Yale."

He replies, "WHAT COLLEGE DO Y'ALL GO TO?"  

(01/08/2018)

A woman was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods. When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap.

 

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

 

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

 

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

 

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."

 

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

 

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

 

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

 

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

 

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

 

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue to feel good.

 

Male readers: Please scroll down.

 

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

 

Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.

 

Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.

(01/06/2018)

A 14-year-old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel.

 

"Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer."

 

"Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?"

 

"Can't and will not serve to anyone under age."

 

"Fine. Well what other things do you have?"

 

"Well for non-alcoholics I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?"

 

"Pop," goes the weasel.

(01/05/2018)

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

 

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, One for me...'

 

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. 'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

 

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

 

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, One for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...

 

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

 

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done....'

 

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

(01/04/2018)

A woman has a heart attack. During this, she dies and meets God. "Will I die?" she asked.

 

"No," God replied, "You will live for another 40 years, 2 months, and 8 days."

 

At this instant, she snapped back alive. After the heart attack, she decides to make the most of her life.

 

She gets a face lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even gets a surgery to change the color of her hair. After her final surgery, she walks out and gets hit by a car and dies. When she goes up in heaven and meets God, she's steaming.

 

"What was that!?" she asked.

 

"What?" God responded, "You died."

 

"You said I would live another 40 years!"

 

After God thought for a while, He said "Oh, I didn't recognize you."

(01/03/2018)

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "Why not, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini.

 

He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.

 

So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."

 

So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him change for a dollar. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.

 

"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."

 

And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

(01/02/2018)

A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour than we get paid for medical care."

"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every year."  

(01/01/2018)

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."  

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